Rubio Pulls An Ohio State; Claims Victory After Finishing Third

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – In a scene that no doubt reminded Alabama and Clemson supporters of petulant Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about their wonderful 2015 season, Marco Rubio climbed the podium Monday night to declare victory in the Iowa caucuses, a contest in which he finished third behind Antichrist Ted Cruz and up-and-coming fascist Donald Trump.

“For months, they said we had no chance,” said the part-time senator from Florida. “They told me I had no chance because my hair wasn’t gray enough and my jackboots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line, that I needed to be proven against tougher competition. But tonight here in Iowa the people of this great state have sent a very clear message, that we are the national champions!”

Despite being defeated by real men when push came to shove, Rubio droned on for hours about how he had defeated cupcake establishment rivals in a long and glorious season during the campaign in Iowa.

“This victory is unprecedented in the annals of politics, and will go down as one of the greatest comebacks in coaching history!”

On Tuesday morning political pundits wondered aloud just what type of drugs Rubio has been ingesting, but speculated that they are the same type readily available throughout the State of Ohio.

Rubio faces an uphill challenge in his next gridiron battle, taking place in a matter of days in New Hampshire, where the Coaches Poll has him a distant second behind Trump, 36 to 15. But hope springs eternal, and Rubio has confidence that his newly hired offensive speech coordinator will help pull him through.

“Our win in Iowa will give us the momentum we need to pull off this thing in the 4th quarter,” said a thirsty Rubio. “We’re going all the way to number one!”

Rubio is scheduled to meet with Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer on Friday to get some tips on how to spin a second defeat in a row just in case things don’t go according to plan.

 

 

Obama Signs Executive Order Forcing Ohio State To Play Tougher Schedule

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama signed an executive order today that will force Ohio State to play a tougher schedule each year or be banned from whining like a bunch of pussies, according to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

At a press conference this afternoon Earnest told reporters that the entire country was “sick and fucking tired” of Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about how great they are and how they could have beaten Alabama or Clemson easily if only they had been in the college football playoff.

The order calls for Ohio State to play at least one game per year against a quality opponent from outside the Big Ten, preferably a team from the SEC or ACC. Cupcakes such as Wake Forest and Vanderbilt are excluded from the list of possible opponents. If Ohio State refuses to schedule a team that actually has quality players on it, there will be a gag order placed on all players and fans.

Any coach, player or fan who disregards the order and runs his or her fucking mouth will face heavy fines and possible jail time.

Ohio governor and presidential candidate John Kasich called the order just another example of Obama run amok issuing edicts like a despot.

“Obama is a tyrant, that much is clear,” said Kasich.

However, the order has been greeted with approval from nearly every corner of the country excluding the State of Ohio. Even fellow GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas, praised the action.

“I can’t tell you how sick we are of that idiot Urban Meyer and those Buckeye bumpkins going on and on about how great they are,” said Huckabee. “I used to think that Obama was the Antichrist, but in his last year in office he seems to have found the Lord. It’s a great day. SEC! SEC! SEC!”