Satan Praises GOP Lawmakers

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THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Satan made time in his busy schedule this morning to praise GOP governors, lawmakers, and presidential candidates for their swift condemnation of the Syrian refugee program over the last few days.

“There’s nothing I like more than a bunch of hypocrites,” said the Prince of Darkness, as he addressed a crowd of journalists gathered around the Gates of Hell.

“I just love it that these guys are rejecting widows and orphans from a war-torn land. It really warms the cockles of my heart, which were pretty fucking hot to begin with.”

Mephistopheles expressed his delight that Republicans had convinced a large portion of the American public, as well as some Democrat politicians, to support them in an effort to show the Christian Right’s true colors.

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The Prince of Darkness had to cut the press conference short because he is scheduled to speak at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz this evening.

“Why do you think Heaven has so many vacancies and we’re always packed?” chuckled Lucifer.

“It’s because it’s always easier to talk a good game rather than live it. Heaven is about as sparsely populated as North Dakota for God’s sake, even with all that free advertising Jesus gets.

“I’ll tell you one thing, it’s easier to yell at some poor woman as she goes into Planned Parenthood to get a breast exam than it is to actually show compassion for the less fortunate. We count on that down here.”

Beelzebub cut the presser short, telling reporters that he had to hustle because he was attending a meeting with ISIS leaders today before duties as the keynote speaker at a fundraiser for Ted Cruz early this evening.

 

 

 

Jesus Distances Himself From Christian Right

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ROME – (CT&P) – Jesus paused briefly to speak with a group of American reporters following his usual brunch with Pope Francis on Sunday to emphasize that he no longer wished to be associated with the Christian Right.

The Son of God addressed the journalists from the back of his new Rapturesaurus, Steve.

“I know this gets tiresome guys, but from time to time I feel it necessary to remind you that just because a group of dimwits claim to be acting in my name, it doesn’t make it so,” said the Prince of Peace.

“It may seem obvious to you, having college educations and all, but when Dad and I say ‘Love thy neighbor,’ we don’t mean ‘love thy neighbor unless he’s black, Mexican, poor, or gay.

“Another thing that really bothers me is this group of idiots that thinks the earth is 6,000 years old. Nothing is more irritating than a group of simpletons who want to teach kids that evolutionary theory is inspired by Lucifer. I know the dude. He could not care less about evolutionary theory. He’s much more interested in things like greed, to name one example.

“Anyway, I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t support any particular candidate for president, although I do like this Jewish dude named Bernie. He sorta reminds me of me when I was young and idealistic, before I had the chance to watch you cretins in action for 2000 years.

“You guys will have to excuse me now, I’m gonna take Steve on a couple of laps around Jerusalem. It seems that there are some Neanderthals with knives that need to be devoured. Later.”

Condemnation of Jesus’ statement was swift among conservative Christians organizations in the U.S., with most saying that Jesus did not know what the hell he was talking about.

Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association summed up their reaction best when he said, “If Jesus would just read the New Testament he’d find out that God hates immigrants, poor people, and above all fags!

“They’re all going to hell no matter what Jesus says!”

 

Religious Right Hospitalized After Choking On Compassion And Equality

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – Mr. Religious Right has been hospitalized in the nation’s capital today after a week-long assault by liberal thugs on the side of hope, compassion, and equal treatment under the law. Physicians say his condition is stable and are confident that he will pull through.

“Mr. Right is a resilient soul who has had to make adjustments in the past when it became apparent that his Neanderthal views on women’s suffrage, civil rights, and interracial marriage were about as popular as a turd in a punch bowl,” said Dr. Emilio Lizardo of George Washington Hospital, who is caring for the stricken Right.

“So we think that Mr. Right will eventually come around and join the majority of people in the country who are actually fine and decent human beings.”

The attacks on Right came hot and heavy throughout the week, with the removal of his beloved Confederate battle flag from state capitals and two supreme court decisions regarding health care for the less fortunate and marriage equality for all citizens being shoved into the yawning chasm of his mouth and down into his esophagus.

Dr. Lizardo told reporters that he was unsure how long Mr. Right was deprived of oxygen, but he felt that there was little damage done to Right’s brain.

“His brain is actually more similar to that of a reptile than a human being,” said Lizardo, “and we all know that many reptiles can go a long time without fresh air. So, I think he’ll be OK in the long run and go on to lead a somewhat normal life, albeit in the shadows of a more progressive and enlightened society.”

Mrs. Religious Right has been at Mr. Right’s bedside since he was admitted to the hospital, but she has declined to speak with reporters because she knows she was put on earth to be a helpmate to her husband and keep her mouth shut, which is why she was unaffected by the tsunami of good news this week.

Scott Walker Adopts Idiot Persona In Attempt To Woo Christian Control Freak Vote

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MADISON, WISCONSIN – (CT&P) – Governor of Wisconsin and fascist presidential candidate Scott Walker was chatting recently with right-wing radio host and lunatic Dana Loesch about his efforts to set up regulatory hurdles to abortion access in his state when, in an attempt to garner support from the Christian right, he displayed the level of intelligence normally only found in brain-damaged goats.

During a rambling and often incoherent diatribe in which he called teachers “servants of Satan,” and unions “the root of all evil,” Walker offered a bizarre and troubling defense of a law he signed that would require a woman to undergo a medically unnecessary ultrasound before exercising her constitutionally protected right to an abortion:

“I’m pro-life,” raved Walker. “I’ve passed pro-life legislation. We defunded Planned Parenthood and used the money to pay the lawyers we hired to sue teacher’s unions. We signed a law that requires an ultrasound. Which, the thing about that, the media tried to make that sound like that was a crazy idea. I mean, the media actually thinks that we have no right to control women’s private parts! Have you ever heard such nonsense?”

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Walker insists he is completely sane despite the fact he regularly roams the grounds of the governor’s mansion in a badger suit.

“You know, most people I talked to, whether they’re pro-life or not, I find people all the time that pull out their iPhone and show me a picture of their grandkids’ ultrasound and how excited they are, so that’s a lovely thing. I think about my sons are 19 and 20, we still have their first ultrasounds, as well as their first bowel movements. It’s just a cool thing out there. In fact, I can’t go anywhere without thousands of people coming up to me with ultrasounds, chest x-rays, and MRI films of their Uncle Bob’s enlarged prostate.”

“I think we need to make sure that women fully appreciate that male politicians and a bunch of religious zealots are the ones who can best decide when they should reproduce and when they shouldn’t. It says so in the Bible, and the Bible is never wrong.”

“I think the next logical step is to sterilize women against their will if they don’t agree with our policy,” said Walker, as he fumbled with the two steel balls he always carries in his right hand. “If they won’t obey the Good Book, then we’re just going to have to make sure they can’t get pregnant. It’s the Christian thing to do.”

Loesch closed the interview by thanking Walker for his comments and praising his obsessive desire to control vaginas, ovaries, and uteri for the benefit of society as a whole.

Although Walker has been described as “legally insane” and “power mad” by several psychiatrists in the Madison area, he currently leads the Republican pack in the latest poll of likely Republican voters, which begs the question:

“Just what the fuck is wrong with those people?”

Georgia Florist Provides Long-Awaited Answers On Sin, Ten Commandments

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – For centuries scholars, philosophers, representatives of the church, and lay people alike have puzzled over just which sins were the most heinous, and in which order the Ten Commandments should be ranked. It has been the subject of debate for over 2000 years within the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Now the definitive answers have come from a surprising source; professional florist, part-time Biblical scholar, and full-time homophobe Mrs. Melissa Jeffcoat.

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Mrs. Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus appears in her dreams regularly and gives her advice on important decisions. She said that he also told her that the CIA had planted listening devices in her flower shop.

Jeffcoat, who runs a florist shop in rural Jeff Davis County, has been studying the problem for decades and made her findings public during an interview with Gary Tuchman of CNN.

Mrs Jeffcoat told Tuchman that under no circumstances would she provide flowers for a same-sex couple’s wedding, because choosing to be gay is by far the worst sin anyone could possibly commit. Mrs Jeffcoat went on to say that she  was not going to be the “tool of Satan” by providing lovely flower arrangements for an event sanctioned by Lucifer.

Tuchman countered by saying, “In the Ten Commandments, it says you can’t commit adultery,” adding, “It says you need to honor your father and mother.”

When Tuchman asked whether she would provide flowers for an adulterer or someone who had “dishonored” their parents, she said she would not have a problem serving them.

“Well, why would you serve them but not serve someone who is gay?” the reporter asked.

“It’s just a different kind of sin to me,” Jeffcoat replied. “I just don’t believe in it. Adultery, murder, bestiality, cannibalism, genocide, they all pale in comparison to being gay.”

When Tuchman inquired of Jeffcoat how she came up with her rankings of different sins, she said after years of research and praying over the problem, Jesus came to her in a dream in the form of a velociraptor and pointed a six- inch claw at a smouldering rose bush. The voice of God came out of the bush and told her that he hated fags worse than anything and then proceeded to rank various sins in order of their importance, from murder all the way down to forgetting to floss your teeth before bed.

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Jeffcoat said that sometimes Jesus appeared as a white man with a beard riding a Tyrannosaur that he called “Spike.”

“I don’t know why God chose me,” said Jeffcoat, “but we all know he works in mysterious ways, and this sure as hell is no exception.”

Jeffcoat told Tuchman that Raptor Jesus now regularly appears in her dreams providing her guidance on everything from romance to grocery shopping. “Lately he’s been telling me to buy a shotgun and go on a multi-state murder spree, but I think I’m going to wait till after the June rush to do that,” said Jeffcoat.

Jeffcoat’s son Carlton, who is apparently as wacked-out as his mother, told CNN that everything his mother said was entirely accurate and true, because it was the word of God. He is currently studying to become a Southern Baptist minister in order to amass a fortune on television and avoid paying taxes on any of it.

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Jeffcoat’s son Carlton is studying to be a Southern Baptist minister so he can fleece gullible believers and use the cash to live an extravagant lifestyle

“I serve a God who’s higher than any Supreme Court judge, that’s called the judge of the universe,” he told Tuchman. “I don’t care what anybody else says, I know what’s right and what the good Lord wants, and by God he wants us to hate fags. I’m just as bigoted and hateful as any other redneck down here and I’m sure as hell not gonna change just because we have a dictator for president.”

When Tuchman asked him what President Obama had to do with it, Carlton said, “He’s the source of all evil in the modern world, God told me so, and besides, I heard it on Fox.”

Georgia Company To Fill Void Left By Memories Pizza

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – A pizza chain headquartered in the mountainous region of north Georgia has stepped up to fill the gaping void left by the closure of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Considered a “mainstay” in Walkerton, the pizzeria is now closed and may not reopen. Memories owners Kevin O’Connor and his daughter Crystal closed the restaurant after a withering assault on social media and numerous vicious phone calls.

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Co-founder of Deliverance Herbert “Cowboy” Coward told Wolf Blitzer that his establishments have always encouraged love and intimacy between family members, even cousins.

Herbert “Cowboy” Coward, co-founder and CEO of Deliverance Pizza, a chain of family restaurants headquartered in the north Georgia town of Dillard, told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his company was eager to take up the slack.

“We currently have 11 units scattered throughout the mountains of north Georgia, but we’ve been thinking of expanding out-of-state, and the O’Connor’s loss just might be our gain,” said Coward.

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All Deliverance units boast live music on Friday and Saturday nights.

Deliverance, which specializes in pizzas featuring wild game toppings blended with pork, is by far the most popular pizza in rural areas of north Georgia. In fact, Deliverance outsells Pizza Hut and Domino’s combined. The chain’s most popular pizza, called “The Squeal,” features a combination of ham, venison, and pork sausage toppings.

“We’ll probably start by making the O’Connors an offer on their shop and go from there,” said Coward.

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Coward told Blitzer that he looks forward to the day that marriage equality was a reality in Georgia so he could marry Ned, his partner of over 40 years.

“But I want to make one thing clear from the outset Wolf; Deliverance Pizza has always been a gay friendly establishment. A good portion of our business comes from the red-hot gay wedding pizza catering industry, and we want to hold onto to those customers like a you would a fattened sow.”

“We’ve always supported gay marriage, whether it’s forced or by consent. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing two members of the same-sex declare their love for one another, even if one partner is a little reluctant at first. I can remember when Ned and I first got together. It was rocky times for a while but once we settled down no one could pry us apart, and we still feel that way to this day!”

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Many Deliverance pizzerias have outdoor playgrounds so the kids can entertain themselves while waiting on their pizza.

On an appearance on Fox News, where the O’Connors have become instant heroes, anchor Neal Cavuto asked Crystal if they would accept Coward’s offer or were her and her dad planning on reopening their restaurant.

Crystal replied, “Are you kiddin’? Hell no we ain’t reopenin’ the fuckin’ restaurant! This GoFundMe crap is the shit! It’s better than winning the goddam lottery! When this cash runs out we’re gonna bad-mouth another minority group. Right now it’s a toss-up between the blacks and the Messicans…we just ain’t done decided which one yet.”

It should come as a surprise to no one that Neanderthals from across the country have contributed close to $700,000 to the O’Connors through the GoFundMe website to date, and the flow of cash shows no signs of abating. It seems that bigotry and hatred are alive and well in America today.

 

Scientific American Takes An In Depth Look At The Tea Party

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – This month’s edition of Scientific American is somewhat of a departure for a magazine that normally steers well clear of politics. It boasts several well-researched articles examining the right wing in general and the Tea Party in particular.

“We wanted to highlight how a group could overcome the serious handicaps of its individual members to become a viable political force in our society,” said SA editor Michael Moyer. “The rise of the Tea Party, the Christian Right, and their propaganda arm, Fox News, illustrates how a species crippled by superstition, racial hatred, and lower than average IQ’s can rise to a position of prominence in the modern nation state.”

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SA editors did an in depth study of just how dumb and reactionary the supporters of the Tea Party really are.

The issue, which is on news stands now, traces the growth of the Tea Party from a ragtag army of inarticulate individuals all the way to this year’s midterm elections, when an alarming number of the insecure cretins won national political office.

“We tried to get inside the minds of these people, as frightening as that prospect was,” said Moyer. “We really wanted to find out what made these people tick. We placed particular emphasis on finding the common threads that unified this group of backwoods bumpkins.”

“What we found was fear. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, fear of minorities, fear of science, fear of gay people, fear of just about any fucking thing you could imagine. The overwhelming consensus was that this group of people yearns to return to the days before the Enlightenment, where their outdated ideas and archaic societal standards ruled with an iron fist.”

The SA team spent a great deal of time analyzing the movement’s leaders Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, and a host of other kooks such as Steve King and Louie Gomhert.

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Editor Michael Moyer said that “All one has to do is observe this movement’s kooky and incoherent leaders to realize that they should not be taken seriously.”

“One only has to look at the leadership of this movement to see how incoherent and insane their beliefs really are,” said Moyer. “If you go back and examine some of the speeches and statements made by Bachmann and Palin over the last decade, it reads like something out of H.P. Lovecraft. Nothing makes sense. For example, last weekend in Iowa, Palin was apparently possessed by one of her demons and began writhing around the podium and speaking in tongues. It was truly scary.”

Although the writers and editors at SA came to no definitive conclusions about the future of the right wing and the Tea Party, Moyer said that they will most likely be swept away by the tide of history.

“To paraphrase Huxley, extinguished theologians, and in this case reactionary political factions, lie about the cradle of progress as the strangled snakes beside that of Hercules,” said Moyer.

Although many midterm Congressional races were won by Tea Party supported buffoons, the facts seem to support Moyer’s argument.

Gay marriage, Obamacare, and decriminalization of marijuana, three policies that the far right is rabidly against, are more popular than ever and gaining national acceptance.

“It gives us hope for a bright future in which the voices of these kooks are drowned out by the voices of reason and science,” concluded Moyers. “I am a fervent supporter of free speech and support these people’s right to be as ignorant as they want to be, but I fully believe that they will be remembered by history as the wingnuts they truly are.”