Canadian Response To Terrorist Shooting Slowed By Authorities’ Need To Speak Two Languages At The Same Fucking Time

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OTTAWA, ONTARIO (CT&P) – A masked gunman killed a soldier standing guard at Canada’s war memorial Wednesday, then stormed Parliament in an attack that was stopped cold when he was shot to death by the ceremonial sergeant-at-arms. Canada’s prime minister called it the country’s second terrorist attack in three days.

Investigators offered little information about the gunman, identified as 32-year-old petty criminal Michael Zehaf-Bibeau. But Prime Minister Stephen Harper said: “In the days to come we will learn about the terrorist and any accomplices he may have had.”

In a televised address to the nation, Canada’s prime minister said Wednesday’s fatal shooting of a Canadian soldier in Ottawa and a hit-and-run that killed another earlier this week are grim reminders that Canada is not immune to terrorism.

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Canadian law enforcement authorities insist on addressing suspects in both English and French because so many of the world’s terrorists were born in Paris.

Harper said the two separate attacks will strengthen Canada’s resolve to work to keep Canada safe and work with allies around the world to fight terrorist organizations.

“But let there be no misunderstanding, we will not be intimidated. Canada will never be intimidated,” said Harper.

After the nearly twenty-minute speech, Prime Minister Harper then proceeded to repeat himself word-for-word in French, so no one who lives in Quebec would get their feelings hurt. The repetition turned what would have been an uplifting address to the nation into an almost hour-long marathon of political correctness run amok.

“It’s another example of why the Canadians are so difficult to work with,” said Andrew McCabe, head of the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division. “Every time I call up my counterpart in Ottawa the son of a bitch has to repeat every thing he says to me over the phone in French. It’s absolutely ridiculous.”

Current head of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson agreed with McCabe, and told reporters that Zehaf-Bibeau could have been apprehended before he got to the parliament building if the cops that were chasing him just shot his ass instead of trying to address him in two different languages.

“We think our friends from north of the border could decrease their response time by half just by dropping this idiotic regulation that law enforcement personnel have to repeat themselves in French every time they address a suspect,” said Johnson.

“I mean how ridiculous is it that you say “HALT! Stop or I’ll shoot!”, then immediately have to say “HALTE! Arrete ou je tire!” said an exasperated Johnson.

“The next thing you know they’ll have to include Arabic so as not to offend the fucking terrorist they are trying to apprehend!”