Fox To Air ‘So You Think You’re A Sprinter’ In September


NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox has announced that it will air its newest reality show, So You Think You’re A Sprinter, in late September. The show will be shot live on location in a number of major metropolitan areas around the country.

The innovative program will feature unarmed black teens attempting to flee police custody while avoiding flying billy clubs, Tasers, and gunfire from a variety of military grade weapons.


Cops who successfully neutralize contestants through the use of brute force, electric shock, machine gun fire, or any other civil rights violation will be awarded the Bedford Forrest Medal of Gallantry, a small cash prize, and an all expenses paid trip to the Annual FOP Dog Killing Festival in Little Rock this spring

The show will consist of eight one-hour episodes during which the number of contestants will be whittled down through a process of exhaustion, depression, life threatening back injuries, and death, all at the hands of rogue cops.

During the last episode, if any of the original contestants are still alive, they will be forced to run  a gauntlet of angry white rednecks armed with deer rifles who will be chosen at random from rural areas in Florida, Texas and Arkansas.

Executives at Fox are quite optimistic that the show will be a hit, citing the success of an entire news channel devoted to the kind of people who would really enjoy just this kind of thing.

The show is expected to air on September 25th, and will be going up against the new offering from Bravo, Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip; ABC’s popular docudrama Last Terrorist Standing, a cautionary tale about five dumbass Arab goat herders duped into joining ISIS; and CBS’s controversial new red state sitcom about how zany  gay marriage can be in ‘The Land That Time Forgot.” It will be called How I Met Your Scrotum.


Georgia Company To Fill Void Left By Memories Pizza


ATLANTA, GEORGIA – (CT&P) – A pizza chain headquartered in the mountainous region of north Georgia has stepped up to fill the gaping void left by the closure of Memories Pizza in Walkerton, Indiana. Considered a “mainstay” in Walkerton, the pizzeria is now closed and may not reopen. Memories owners Kevin O’Connor and his daughter Crystal closed the restaurant after a withering assault on social media and numerous vicious phone calls.


Co-founder of Deliverance Herbert “Cowboy” Coward told Wolf Blitzer that his establishments have always encouraged love and intimacy between family members, even cousins.

Herbert “Cowboy” Coward, co-founder and CEO of Deliverance Pizza, a chain of family restaurants headquartered in the north Georgia town of Dillard, told Wolf Blitzer of CNN that his company was eager to take up the slack.

“We currently have 11 units scattered throughout the mountains of north Georgia, but we’ve been thinking of expanding out-of-state, and the O’Connor’s loss just might be our gain,” said Coward.


All Deliverance units boast live music on Friday and Saturday nights.

Deliverance, which specializes in pizzas featuring wild game toppings blended with pork, is by far the most popular pizza in rural areas of north Georgia. In fact, Deliverance outsells Pizza Hut and Domino’s combined. The chain’s most popular pizza, called “The Squeal,” features a combination of ham, venison, and pork sausage toppings.

“We’ll probably start by making the O’Connors an offer on their shop and go from there,” said Coward.


Coward told Blitzer that he looks forward to the day that marriage equality was a reality in Georgia so he could marry Ned, his partner of over 40 years.

“But I want to make one thing clear from the outset Wolf; Deliverance Pizza has always been a gay friendly establishment. A good portion of our business comes from the red-hot gay wedding pizza catering industry, and we want to hold onto to those customers like a you would a fattened sow.”

“We’ve always supported gay marriage, whether it’s forced or by consent. There’s nothing quite as beautiful as seeing two members of the same-sex declare their love for one another, even if one partner is a little reluctant at first. I can remember when Ned and I first got together. It was rocky times for a while but once we settled down no one could pry us apart, and we still feel that way to this day!”


Many Deliverance pizzerias have outdoor playgrounds so the kids can entertain themselves while waiting on their pizza.

On an appearance on Fox News, where the O’Connors have become instant heroes, anchor Neal Cavuto asked Crystal if they would accept Coward’s offer or were her and her dad planning on reopening their restaurant.

Crystal replied, “Are you kiddin’? Hell no we ain’t reopenin’ the fuckin’ restaurant! This GoFundMe crap is the shit! It’s better than winning the goddam lottery! When this cash runs out we’re gonna bad-mouth another minority group. Right now it’s a toss-up between the blacks and the Messicans…we just ain’t done decided which one yet.”

It should come as a surprise to no one that Neanderthals from across the country have contributed close to $700,000 to the O’Connors through the GoFundMe website to date, and the flow of cash shows no signs of abating. It seems that bigotry and hatred are alive and well in America today.


Frustrated Arizona Senators Propose Legislation For Return To Rule By “Divine Right”


PHOENIX-Republican state senators, frustrated by Governor Jan Brewer’s pragmatic veto of their bigoted anti-gay laws and desperate to stamp out societal progress in all its forms, are discussing proposals for legislation that would change the form of Arizona’s government. Yearning for the “good old days” of feudalistic society, the legislation would bring back a system where nobles (right wing politicians and bureaucrats in this case) and church officials would rule by divine fiat. The proposed laws would usher in a new “Dark Age” in Arizona and have been severely criticized by the more enlightened members of the legislature.


The proposed legislation would bring back an improved and updated form of the Spanish Inquisition featuring “enhanced interrogation techniques” perfected by the Bush Administration

The legislative package is co-sponsored by Senator Phil Scrotum (R-Snaketown) and Senator Ralph Smegma (R-Bagdad), two politicians well-known for their reactionary views. The new system would allow the neo-nobility and representatives of the church to rule by “Divine Right.” The two groups would have weekly meetings and cooperate to issue edicts to the general population concerning all aspects of everyday life. The edicts would then be enforced by a huge contingent of armed thugs wearing stylish new uniforms adorned with symbols of the church.

“God hates fags and illegal immigrants,” said Senator Scrotum during a recent appearance on Glenn Beck’s radio program. “We can’t sit still for Brewer’s veto of our state-saving anti-gay legislation. She should not be governor anyway. It says quite clearly in the Bible that women are the ‘weaker vessel’ and should obey the men.”


The new park in downtown Phoenix will be called “Chop Chop Square” and will feature toys and goodies for the kids and free books and short stories by Kafka and Dostoevsky for the adults

Senator Smegma, who was also on the show, said “Phil is right! God hates fags, illegal aliens, Injuns, drug users, poor people, black folks, liberals, climate scientists, evolutionary biologists, and just about everyone in the Pacific Northwest. He also wants women stay where they belong; at home raising the kids.” Senator Smegma seemed to lose his composure a bit at this point as he raised his voice and said “But most of all God hates Obamacare and MSNBC!”

An integral part of the new legislation involves instilling abject fear in the general population. “The good citizens of Arizona have to realize that we know what is best for them, and disobeying our commands will result in the most severe punishment. Therefore we intend to bring back public executions. We have plans to construct a new square in downtown Phoenix for just this purpose. It will feature refreshments for the kids and religious trinkets and reading material for the adults. We conducted an online poll and the consensus is that the guillotine would be the best method for dispatching evildoers and heretics,” said Senator Scrotum.


Sheriff Joe Arpaio won the design contest for Arizona’s new guillotine

Glenn Beck was mightily impressed by the plans and expressed his enthusiasm several times during the broadcast. “I really think you guys are on the right track! Have you sought any guidance from fanatical religious scholars or historical revisionists like I do on occasion?”

“Yes,” said Senator Smegma. “We’ve made contact with high-ranking members of the Taliban to get advice, seeing as how our views on gay rights and equality for women coincide with theirs in so many ways. They’ve been a great help. We also have aides working with historians specializing in the study of the Old South plantation system. We want their input as well. We have great confidence that we can maintain and improve the tried and true ‘old white male’ power structure. The future for Arizona looks very bright indeed.”

The bulging package of legislative reform has been dubbed the “Scrotum-Smegma Bill” and is scheduled to come up for a vote early next month.