New Information Reveals Kentucky Clerk To Be Adulterous Bovine Who Should Be Stoned To Death

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LEXINGTON, KY – (CT&P) – The Kentucky county clerk facing potentially stiff penalties for refusing to issue same-sex marriage licenses has been married four times, raising questions of hypocrisy and selective application of the Bible to her life.

The marriages are documented in court records obtained by U.S. News, which show that Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis divorced three times, first in 1994, then 2006 and again in 2008.

She gave birth to twins five months after divorcing her first husband. They were fathered by her third husband but adopted by her second. Davis worked at the clerk’s office at the time of each divorce and has since remarried.

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Davis has on multiple occasions refused to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples and threatened to cast spells on them if they did not leave her office.

Davis has described her desire to strictly adhere to the Bible in stark terms and thus far has shown no sign of bending to court orders on same-sex marriage. She said Tuesday she fears going to hell for violating “a central teaching” of the Bible if she complies with the orders.

Davis’ struggle to exempt herself from the Supreme Court’s June decision legalizing same-sex marriage has excited some Christian conservatives but legally has proven futile: The Supreme Court refused her request Monday that the justices intervene, and a federal judge will decide Thursday whether to hold her in contempt or sentence her to be stoned to death for the whore that she is in accordance with the biblical law that she holds so dear.

Davis did not respond to an emailed request for comment, and her office’s phone line was busy throughout the day Tuesday.

The leader of the organization providing her legal representation, Mat Staver of Liberty Counsel, says he’s not sure precisely how many husbands Davis has had, or how many men she has picked up in sleazy bars and brought back to her trailer.

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Mat Staver, Davis’ attorney, said the case highlights the need for more goats and sheep to be raised in Kentucky so men would not be reduced to fighting over hideous beasts like Davis.

“I know she was married more than once – I’ve heard three times,” said Staver. “It’s a matter of fact that she’s been married multiple times. It’s also a matter of fact that this woman fucks like a rabbit. If it’s hot and hollow, she’s on it like white on rice.

Staver says “it’s not really relevant, it’s something that happened in her past-what’s really relevant here is the fact that there were four guys desperate enough to want to marry this cow. She has the IQ of a turnip and is about as attractive as a rattlesnake. Given the choice of her or celibacy, I can tell you I’m going for abstinence.”

Stavers said that according to the Bible her conversion to Christianity about four years ago wiped her slate clean. “Her past habits of jumping from bed to bed and reproducing like some kind of rodent is something that’s not relevant to the issue at hand,” he said.

“Mrs. Davis leads a godly lifestyle now centered around telling strangers how they should live their life and who they should sleep with. Since she’s been born again, she can be an odious, repellent, bigoted bitch during the week and be forgiven on Sunday. It’s a great system.”

If Davis is not sentenced to die, pundits predict that she will be removed from her post and be forced to seek new employment. Staver told Sean Hannity, a Fox News tumor and big fan of vile and disgusting individuals, that people should not worry about Davis because she currently has job offers from Chick-fil-A, Hobby Lobby, and the Taliban.

Creation Museum Unveils New Exhibit

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PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Religious kook and bigot from hell Ken Ham took time off from predicting the imminent destruction of earth at the hands of an all-loving creator today in order to announce the opening of a new exhibit at the Creation Museum.

The exhibit will feature what creation scientists believe is the first automobile made by the hands of man.

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Another creationist archeological team in Italy is confident that it will soon unearth the economy rental that St. Paul drove to Rome.

According to Ham, the vehicle, which he dubbed the “Palestine Cruiser,” was discovered at an archeological dig in Israel. The dig was co-sponsored by the Creation Museum Foundation for Making Cash Off the Weak-Minded and the Jesus Is Coming Back Soon To Kick Your Ass Fund.

Ham claims that the vehicle is the very same one that transported Jesus and three of his disciples (they drew lots and the rest had to walk) from Bethany to Jerusalem.

“The idea that the Son of God would ride a donkey into town is just ridiculous,” said Ham during an interview with Fox News.

“We always suspected that the donkey theory was wrong from the beginning. Some Biblical scholars have him riding on the back of a Velociraptor or T-Rex, but we at the Creation Foundation considered that idea silly. Everyone knows that at that time people only rode herbivores such as Triceratops  or Stegosaurus, although the “Steggies,” as we like to call them, could be rough on the old scrotum.”

The exhibit is set to open on Monday and Ham says that the first week is already sold out.

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Although Ham was disappointed that he was unable to pull the wool over the eyes of Kentucky politicians and claim tax exempt status for his ridiculous Noah’s Ark project, construction continues apace.

“We had hoped to time the opening of the Ancient Auto wing of the museum with the completion of our Noah’s Ark exhibit, but because of cost overruns and the Satanic plot to deny us tax exempt status that project has been delayed,” said Ham. “It seems to be taking us a bit longer than we thought to complete the Ark and place all the stuffed animals inside it.”

In fact, the project is taking over ten times as long as it supposedly took Noah, who according to the Bible was fucking 600 years old when he built the craft and loaded it with two of every species of animal on earth.

Regardless, Ham says that tickets to the exhibit are sold out for a full year after its completion and that Creation Construction LLC is currently breaking ground on a 1000 room hotel and casino in Petersburg so that he can house the weak-minded twits that come to see the abomination.

“Like Donald Trump says, there’s one born every minute,” concluded Ham.

 

Creepy Creationist Ken Ham Admits To Lifelong Goat Fetish

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PETERSBURG, KENTUCKY – (CT&P) – Creationist huckster and miscreant Ken Ham went off the rails again last week when he attacked the oversexed and apparently perpetually horny Miley Cyrus in a rambling, nearly incoherent essay on his blog, which is read by at least two or three dozen fellow fruitcakes.

Ham, an ignorant twit who would have been much more comfortable living in the Middle Ages, used Bible verses and sixth grade debate tactics in an attempt to criticize Cyrus’ sexual preferences and refusal to believe fairy tales from an ancient text written by people who thought thunderstorms were a form of punishment from God.

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Ham, who fleeces thousands of ignorant Bible-thumping dunderheads each year at his absurd Creation Museum, has become more and more irrational since his kooky Ark project failed to gain tax exempt status.

The unbalanced charlatan, who actually believes the earth is around 6,000 years old, seemed particularly interested in Cyrus’ lack of desire to have sex with animals or participate in pedophilia.

“Why not involve an animal?” Ham told the Reverend Billy Buttocks during an interview on the Jesus Channel. “On what basis does she decide that? Besides, if there’s no God and she’s just a result of evolution, then she is merely an animal anyway. And those she interacts with sexually are just animals—so why not any animals?”

Then Ham made a startling confession.

“We are all born with a strong desire to  fuck animals,” said Ham. “It’s the way God made us. Every person on earth wants to have sex with furry four-legged creatures, and the only thing that holds us back are the rules set forth in the our Holy Book. I know I have to read my Bible every morning to remind myself how important it is not to go outside my office and copulate with one of the  ungulates that we keep here at the Creation Museum Petting Zoo.”

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Ham, seen here feeling up a Velociraptor, has apparently been obsessed with bestiality since he was a small child in Australia, where he was suspected of having sex with an entire pack of dingos when he was 12 years old.

“Sometimes I wake up all sweaty and aroused after dreaming of taking Snowball or Squealer out behind the maintenance shed and fucking their brains out,” said Ham, as his eyes rolled back in his head.

The revelation that Ham is sexually attracted to a variety of species of which he is not a member was shocking enough, but he then went on to admit that he was a secret pedophile.

“Why have sex with only those over the age of 18? On what basis does Cyrus decide that? If there’s no God, why have any age restriction? On what basis would she argue against pedophilia? Why not do whatever anyone wants to do? Well I’ll tell you why! It’s because of the rules and regulations set forth in this dusty book written before mankind knew what the fuck electricity was! It’s the only thing that keeps us in line, I tell you. Without the Bible, we would just be savages running around fucking everything from Coke bottles to tapirs!”

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Architects designing Ham’s lunatic Ark project were shocked by his demands that they design a “love room” to hold goats in place while Ham had his way with them. “We’ll have to stay on board til the waters subside, and it’s going to get awfully lonely,” said Ham.

Although most Americans were shocked by Ham’s confessions, Fox News numbskull Sean Hannity was quick to come to his defense, citing Kentucky’s Religious Freedom Restoration Act, which encourages all sorts of abominations as long as they are done in the name of God.

However, coworkers and close friends of Ham were not surprised by his statements.

“Why the hell do you think we keep such a close eye on kids when they tour this place?” said an aide to Ham.

The aide spoke on condition of anonymity because the last employee to speak publicly about Ham’s psychological problems was crucified on the $3 million “Calvary Kiddie Ride.”

“Ken has always been one weird son of a bitch,” said the aide. “He is constantly staring longingly at the pens holding our sheep and cows, but his favorites are those young attractive goats. He says their eyes are the gateway to Heaven, or some such bullshit.

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Sadly, the animals around the Creation Museum’s petting zoo have come to know Ham all too well and will do just about anything to avoid the horny bastard.

“You have to remember that Ken was deported from Australia because authorities there perceived him as threat to wildlife, children, and critical thought,” continued the aide. “He tried to move to western Europe, but as it turns out the only country that would have him was the United States. He’s really found a home with these suckers in the Bible Belt, let me tell you.”

Although authorities in Boone County where Ham’s God-O-Rama theme park is located have heard weird stories coming from behind the walls of the  “Koresh Compound” as they call it, no charges have been filed against Ham or his employees up to this point.

“We look the other way when it comes to animals,” said Sheriff Billy Bob McSneed, “after all, that’s part of growin’ up around here, but we damn sure draw the line when it comes to little kids. I can’t arrest the kook for thinking about buggering those children, but if he lays a hand on them, he’s gonna see some Kentucky straight justice in a hurry. Prayin’ won’t do a damn bit a good.”

 

 

 

DuggarMingle.com To Launch This Summer

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LITTLE ROCK, ARKANSAS – (CT&P) – TLC has announced in a press release this morning that they are sponsoring a new website, DuggarMingle.com. The dating site will be up and running sometime this summer and is designed to help Duggar singles find other Duggars for friendship, romance, pedophilia, or Bible study.

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Jim Bob Billy Joe Frankie Ray Bosyphilis Duggar, the family patriarch and instigator of all this religious nonsense told reporters that he was delighted that cousins, aunts, uncles, and other members of the extended family would now be able to log on and find perverts and pedophiles they could hook up with. “After all, spice is nice but incest is best,” said Duggar.

“We thought a dating site would help Duggars find other family members who had the same interests in incest, pedophilia, and weird Bible verses so they could get together and ‘be fruitful and multiply,'” said Ezekiel Koresh, TLC’s Vice President of Depraved Christian Cults.

 

“It should also help to keep some of these perverted liaisons below the radar so we can continue to rake in the cash from this group of freaks. The last thing we need now is another scandal,” said Koresh.

Jim Bob Billy Joe “Randy” Duggar, family patriarch and misguided religious freak, told TLC that he thought the website was a “great idea.”

 

“When your moral code is based on a text that was written before man knew any better than to keep feces out of his water supply, you’re going to have some reprobates and deviants crop up in the dozens of spawn you produce,” said Duggar. “It’s inevitable. I just hope we can keep the genetic mutations and incidence of congenital disorders down to a manageable level.”

TLC hopes that the site will be up and running before the popular Fourth of July Pro Life Family Coitus Festival held each year in Wandering Schlong, Arkansas. Former governor and presidential candidate Mike Huckabee will be the keynote speaker at the event.

Satan To Kickoff Tour Of Southeast With Visit To SeaWorld

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THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.

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Satan decided to open his tour at SeaWorld because it represents so much that he adores about human beings.

“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?'”

According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.

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Journalists dread Satanic news conferences because they are obliged to tread water the entire time Balthazar is speaking

The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.

 

Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending  a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.

 

Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.

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Mephistopheles will wind up his tour of the Southeast with a visit to his good friend and follower Judge Roy Moore of Alabama. “He is one of His Majesty’s favorites,” said Balthazar. “No one can twist God’s word to suit his own hatred better than Roy! He really makes Christians look awful. We love him!”

 

Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.

Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.

“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”

Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.

“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.'”

Jesus Vehemently Denies Torture Allegations

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ROME, ITALY (CT&P) – After a meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican earlier today, Jesus paused to speak with reporters regarding recent torture allegations made by the American Family Association’s Director of Issues Analysis and borderline psychopath Bryan Fischer. Jesus flatly denied that he supported torture in way whatsoever.

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Jesus told reporters that although he was against torture, having been a victim of it himself, he fully supported “no-knock” warrants made legal by the Patriot Act

“I just want to make it clear that I do not support torture in any of its many forms,” said the Prince of Peace. “This is about the millionth time I’ve had to correct that idiot Fischer. I really don’t know why all you talking monkeys continue to listen to him.”

The controversy erupted earlier this week when Fischer defended the CIA’s use of torture, saying that liberals “would drag the Bible’s heroes before the courts at Nuremberg and charge them with crimes against humanity” and suggesting on his radio program that Jesus would support the use of torture in a time of war.

Fischer went on to rant that “Christianity is not a pacifist religion. The God that we serve is described in Exodus 15 as a ‘man of war.’ Now we often think of gentle Jesus, meek and mild, but let’s not forget, according to Romans 19:13, when he comes back … he will be riding a white horse and wearing his own robe, dipped in blood. That is a robe that is worn by a warrior who is inflicting casualties on the foe. So this is gentle Jesus, meek and mild; when we comes back, his robe is going to be dipped in blood because he too is a warrior.”

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Jesus said that Fischer was also wrong about “the whole white horse thing” as he had long since traded the horse in for a Messiahraptor

Jesus seemed surprised that in this day and age anyone would listen to someone who has such a tenuous grip on reality.

“What is it about ‘turn the other cheek’ that this bigoted imbecile does not understand? Anyone who actually believes the tripe coming out of Fischer’s mouth needs to have his head examined,” said the Lord of Light. “This guy is literally brimming with hatred for just about anyone except straight white males over the age of 65. Frankly, I’m surprised that the son of a bitch has not been committed.”

Jesus was in Rome attending meetings with Pope Francis and a group of architects reviewing Heavenly expansion plans after Francis reduced entry requirements, allowing millions of pets to gain access to the Pearly Gates.