Ben Carson Exchanges Soul For Seat In Trump Cabinet

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

MIAMI – (CT&P) – Former neurosurgeon, presidential candidate, and person with a good reputation Dr. Ben Carson unwittingly traded his soul for a seat in Donald’s Trump’s cabinet yesterday when he endorsed the insecure fascist lunatic for President of the United States.

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Biblical scholars were quick to point out that Carson was probably visited by Satan himself and he just mistook him for a messenger from God. “Now Carson will more than likely spend eternity in Hell,” said one bishop. “Republicans make this mistake all the time.”

Carson told a reporter “I prayed about it a lot, and I got a lot of indications, people calling me that I haven’t talked to for a long time saying, ‘I had this dream about you and Donald Trump’ — I mean, just amazing things…”

Carson said that a friend he had not talked to since he performed brain surgery on him called and told him that he had a dream about Carson, Trump, and a giant hedgehog named Spiny Norman eating Trump steaks in the White House.

Carson immediately interpreted the dream using the Holy Scriptures as a guide, and determined that he was meant to serve in a future Trump administration.

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Carson is expected to be put in charge of the planned ‘Ministry of Silly Walks’ should Trump be elected president. “We can’t afford to put that idiot in a position where he has to make important decisions,” chuckled Trump.

He also said that he while sleepwalking through a wooded area over five miles from his home, he suddenly woke up and saw stars in the sky. “That was a clear indication from God that I needed to endorse a guy who has no love or respect for anyone but himself,” said Carson, as he tried his best to keep his eyes open.

Carson said that the real clincher was when Joseph, disguised as Lucifer dressed in a Technicolor jacket, came to him in a dream and told him to endorse Trump. Later in the dream Joseph gave him plans for nuclear pyramids that would power the United States forever and ever and ever.

“I knew then what I had to do,” said Carson.

 

Trump praised the decision and told Carson how much he appreciated the endorsement despite having previously called him a “Somnambulant religious kook with pathological tendencies who would be a danger to himself and everyone around him if he could stay awake long enough to do any damage.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

Ben Carson Hires Cadaver Dogs To Search For His Campaign

Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson makes a face during a speech at the National Association of Latino Elected and Appointed Officials (NALEO) convention in Las Vegas, Nevada June 17, 2015. REUTERS/Steve Marcus - RTX1GZ5C

 

DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Armstrong Williams, Ben Carson’s “business manager,” friend, and likely the only person on his campaign staff by the end of the week, told CNN today that the former neurosurgeon was bringing in cadaver dogs to search for his once relevant campaign.

“Dr. Carson is puzzled over what’s happened to his front-runner status,” said Williams. “Ben feels, as do I, that it’s time to take drastic action and pull out all the stops to try to figure out what went wrong and regain momentum.”

The dogs are being recruited from a variety of law enforcement entities across the United States and specialize in detecting dumb ideas, archaic ideals, religious bullshit, and utter lunacy.

Williams said that with any luck the canines will be able to track down the campaign and restore its former luster.

“We think the campaign, and Dr. Carson’s reputation, may be hiding somewhere between Joseph’s Discount Grain Pyramid and a Popeye’s chicken organization somewhere in downtown Baltimore. Wherever it is, we’ll be sure to find it!”

 

CNN Moves GOP Debate Venue To Some Beer Hall In Munich

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Jeff Zucker, president of CNN Worldwide, announced this morning that Tuesday’s Republican presidential debate would be moved from The Venetian in Las Vegas, Nevada to the Bürgerbräukeller Jr, a large beer hall in Munich, Germany.

Zucker made the announcement during an appearance on CNN’s New Day, hosted by noted intellectual Chris Comatose.

“We thought that the change of venue was appropriate given what is going on in today’s Republican Party and the atmosphere would better reflect the ideas and policy proposals of the front runners for the nomination,” said Zucker.

Reaction to the move was mixed among the candidates with some backing the change wholeheartedly and others worried that it might disrupt campaign schedules.

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz both told Sean Hannity on his radio show that they felt right at home in Munich and looked forward to meeting hair-challenged supporters in the region.

However, some candidates such as Jeb Bush were uncertain about the last minute change because Germany had accepted so many Syrian refugees in recent weeks.

“I think we could be opening ourselves up to a security risk,” said Bush. “The vast majority of those refugees are Muslims, and I just don’t see how Germany could be as safe as the good ole USA where all us Christians live.”

Perhaps the most confusing response came from the Carson Campaign.

“I’m really looking forward to visiting Germany,” said Carson. “I’ve never been to South America before.”

Zucker dismissed criticism from right wing radio that the change of venue was a liberal media conspiracy to make the Republicans look like a bunch of clowns.

“They certainly don’t need our help to do that,” chuckled Zucker.

 

 

Desperate Carson To Lobotomize Another Set Of Twins On National Television

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.

Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.

In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.

“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.

“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”

Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.

“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”

 

 

 

God Withdraws Support For Carson Campaign

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ROME – (CT&P) – At a press conference just outside the Vatican this morning God announced that he would be withdrawing his support for the Carson Campaign effective immediately.

God told reporters that after reviewing Dr. Carson’s statements regarding a variety of issues he could no longer support the retired neurosurgeon for the GOP nomination.

“In the end it was really not a hard decision,” said God. “This guy does not know his ass from a hole in the ground on most subjects, and he’s clueless when it comes to foreign policy. He would be an absolute disaster as president.

“At first I thought because he was a neurosurgeon he would be a smart dude, capable of making the hard the decisions a president has to make every day,” said the Creator of the Universe. “But I’m surprised this guy can wipe his own ass. I mean he is dumb! It just goes to show you that you don’t have to be some kind of genius to crack a head open,” chuckled the omniscient deity.

The American public apparently agrees with God’s assessment as Carson has been steadily slipping in the polls lately. Most pundits attribute the slide to the increased attention Carson received when he briefly led the Republican field.

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Most people agree that Dr. Carson is a little touched, just not by God

“The more you look at Ben Carson, the more you see a simple-minded chowderhead incapable of critical thought,” said GOP political consultant Karl Rove. “Hillary would chew him up and spit him out like a plug of tobacco.”

When a reporter from CNN informed him of God’s decision, Carson accused him of being part of a liberal media conspiracy inspired by Satan.

“All you guys are just out to get me,” whispered a rapidly blinking Carson, as he twirled his hands in semi circles.

“I feel the fingers of God gently touching me telling me I’ll be President someday.”

When journalists contacted God for a response, he denied he had ever touched Carson gently or otherwise.

“I never fingered Dr. Carson in any way whatsoever,” said Jehovah. “What do you think I am, some sort of pervert? I’ve never touched the son of a bitch in my life. He’s out of his small mind.”

 

 

Carson To Visit Refugees In Jordan

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AMMAN – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and simpleton Dr. Ben Carson is visiting Jordan today in an attempt boost his foreign policy chops and prove to people he knows where it is, according to a spokesman within the Carson Campaign.

“I find when you have firsthand knowledge of things as opposed to secondhand, thirdhand, or fourteenth hand, it makes a much stronger impression,” Mr. Carson said in an interview before his departure, planned for late Thanksgiving Day on a charter aircraft.

“That’s why I never read any books other than the Bible. You just can’t be sure that anyone who writes something down knows what they are talking about. It’s much better to visit places, force your eyes open with toothpicks, and look around for yourself.”

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Dr. Carson is expected to highlight the plight of refugees fleeing the civil war in Syria

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a veterinary hospital. He is bringing dog biscuits and chew toys to distribute to the puppies.

Although aides to Dr. Carson said that the visit to Jordan was his idea, rumors persist that he was asked to go by the CIA as part of a plan to confuse our enemies in the Middle East.

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Carson’s Secret Service detail will make the trip with him in order to protect him from terrorists hiding within the crowds of desperate refugees

“Our intelligence services feel that if Carson roams around the Middle East making incoherent speeches and whispering weird shit about the pyramids, ISIS and other terrorist groups will make the assumption that they have already won and quit trying to kill us,” said Mike Morell, former deputy director of the CIA.

“The idea is, once our enemies see how inept and ignorant our presidential candidates are, they’ll assume we are already on the road to ruin and they’ll redirect their effort to other targets.”

Dr. Carson is expected to wander around aimlessly in the Middle East for a few days before returning to make idiotic statements back here at home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

In a surprise visit, he plans to go to the Azraq refugee camp in northern Jordan, where he will visit a clinic and a hospital. He is bringing soccer balls and Beanie Babies to distribute to children.

 

Carson Advises Hostages To Rush Terrorists

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MALI – (CT&P) – Dr. Ben Carson called a press conference this morning to address the ongoing hostage crisis at the Radisson Blu Hotel in Bamako, Mali.

The hotel is the site of an ongoing terrorist attack and hostage situation. Latest reports state that there could be dozens of hostages still being held in the hotel and its environs.

Dr. Carson told reporters that the best thing the captives could do would be to “charge the terrorists.”

“If I were there I would get everyone together and charge the gunmen,” whispered Carson. “They might get some of us but we would overwhelm them. If anyone in that hotel can hear me, CHARGE!!!”

When a reporter pointed out that it might be unwise to rush terrorists that were equipped with automatic weapons and suicide vests Dr. Carson seemed to lose his train of thought and began waving his arms and blinking rapidly as he responded.

“When ants encounter a preying mantis they don’t sit around and let themselves be eaten,” said a semi-conscious Carson. “The Bible says that locusts help free the Israelites. We need to learn to be more like locusts if we’re ever going to defeat the terrorists.”

A security and terrorism expert interviewed on CNN after Carson’s press conference said that as usual Carson has no idea what the fuck he’s saying.

“Anyone who takes advice from this dude on anything, much less terrorism, needs to have his head examined, and not by Dr. Carson,” chuckled the expert.