Belgium Raises Terror Threat Level To Clusterfuck

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BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Prime Minister Charles Michel raised Belgium’s terror threat level to Clusterfuck today after several cowardly religious kooks blew the shit out of the airport and subway in Brussels.

Clusterfuck is Belgium’s highest terror alert level, and its interior minister has ordered extra soldiers deployed to the streets and security at its ports and borders. All airport operations have been stopped and incoming flights diverted, while public transport has been halted in Brussels and trains and subway stations have been closed.

However, none of these actions are expected to do shit to help the situation because the terrorists are already in Belgium and have been for years.

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Colonel Kurtz appeared on a special edition of Wolf Blitzer’s The Situation Room, which showed the same clips of the Brussels bombings over and over again until Kurtz ripped his own head off.

Experts agree that Belgian authorities continue to ignore the root of the problem, which is the fact that they have a neighborhood in the heart of Brussels that acts a veritable welcome center for murderous goat-fucking Islamic thugs.

“Molenbeek is a neighborhood where bloodthirsty 7th Century Neanderthals can kick back and relax for a while, confident that none of the other residents will turn them in,” said Colonel Walter E. Kurtz (USA-Ret) earlier today on CNN.

“Until the Belgians grow a set of balls and plow through that miserable shithole with tanks and flamethrowers they’re going to continue to have this problem.

“As it turns out, it’s not such a great idea to invite a bunch of folks from a completely different culture into your country and then alienate the fuck out of them, denying them meaningful work and encouraging a sense of hopelessness in their youth. It’s slightly counterproductive.

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General Ripper called in to Blitzer’s show from Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha, Nebraska

“Now you have a bunch of disaffected people holed up together in what amounts to a slum with a bunch of bombs, rockets, and automatic weapons. What the fuck do you think is gonna happen?

“As far as I’m concerned what that neighborhood sorely needs right now is a bunch of heads on pikes. That’ll act as a little wake up call for those sitting on the fence. Then if we can manage to pry Belgian politicians’ heads out of their asses long enough to help these folks become real members of society, we might get somewhere.”

Although most pundits agree with Colonel Kurtz that integration is the key, U.S. Air Force General Jack Ripper told the same CNN panel that it’s too late to repair the mistakes of the past.

“The best solution here is to nuke Molenbeek and any other hotbed of Islamic terror festering in Europe, and I’ve already started the ball rolling,” said Ripper.

“My boys will give us the best kind of start, fourteen hundred megatons worth, and you sure as hell won’t stop them now,” chuckled General Ripper.

Although it looks like General Ripper exceeded his authority in this instance and his actions have not been condoned by the United States or NATO, it seems it’s too late to do anything about it, so expect a change of scenery the next time you travel to western Europe.

Belgium Unable To Find Its Ass With Both Hands

Belgian soldiers patrol in central Brussels as police searched the area during a continued high level of security following the recent deadly Paris attacks

 

BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Belgian security forces have been unable to locate Belgium’s ass despite days of searches and dozens of raids on likely targets throughout the country, according to Prime Minister Charles Michel.

“We know our ass is around here somewhere, but we just can’t find it,” said Michel at a press conference this morning.

“I want to assure the Belgian people and citizens of the world that this does not mean that Belgian security is lax or that our intelligence services are in any way incompetent. It’s just that we can’t seem to find anything that might lead us to the current location of our own ass.”

Despite offers from French and U.S. intelligence services to help Belgium find its ass, Prime Minister Michel insists that Belgium can do it on its own.

“We don’t need anyone poking around Belgium looking for our ass. We’re perfectly capable of finding it on our own,” said the exasperated PM.

Satan “Slightly Annoyed” By Red Devils’ Loss To Catholics On Saturday

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX (CT&P) – At press conference this morning on the banks of the River Styx, Satan told reporters that he was “annoyed, and more than a little pissed off” with Belgium coach Marc Wilmots for not coming up with a more intelligent game plan against Argentina.

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The Prince of Darkness spoke to reporters briefly before appearing as keynote speaker at a Tea Party fundraiser in Virginia’s 7th District

“Yeah well, I’m annoyed as hell,” said Satan. “All we did was chase those damn Christians all over the field and we seemed to have no real plan of attack. We looked disorganized and unable to maintain possession of the ball, and possession is supposed to be one of our specialties!”

The quarter-final match was in effect decided in the eighth minute by the Apostle Gonzalo Higuaín’s half volley off a deflected pass. The goal was made possible by Our Savior Lionel Messi charging the defense and drawing Belgian defenders to him like Roman soldiers to a weekend picnic and crucifixion.

The Argentines then used their superior ball handling abilities to fend off the spawn of Satan for the next eighty minutes plus stoppage time. Belgium pushed forward throughout the rest of the game but was lacking in offensive fluency, often resorting to floated crosses that Argentina’s defense cleared with relative ease. Except for a last-minute flurry of desperate shots, the Belgians offered no real threat to the Soldiers of God.

The next opponent for the Messiah and his disciples will be the largely agnostic thugs from the Netherlands, featuring the demon-possessed midfielder Arjen Robben. The game is scheduled to be played Wednesday at Arena Corinthians, São Paulo at 4:00 Eastern.

The loss knocked Belgium out of the tournament.

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Although extremely agitated by the Red Devils’ loss, Satan could not resist getting Lionel Messi’s autograph outside Argentina’s dressing room.

When asked about Messi’s performance in the tournament so far, Satan said “Look, I know he’s the Son of God and all, and he’s been trained by the Inquisition in Barcelona since he was 13, but he’s only one man! If we can’t come up with a game plan to neutralize one man’s influence then I don’t hold out much hope for the future.”

“I swear to God I don’t know what to do with this coach,” said an exasperated Satan. “I give him all the young talent anyone could want, and we get a disappointing result like this. I mean, holy shit, most of our opponents don’t even believe in evolution! If we can’t even defeat a bunch of morons and dim wits then we might as well give up.”

Coach Wilmots’ contract with Mephistopheles and the Red Devils is not up for another 25 years, so a buyout seems unlikely. He is currently receiving two soccer cleats full of gold each month for services rendered to the Belgian team.