Esctatic Weather Channel Breaks Out Orgasmitron In Honor Of Hurricane Matthew

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – The Weather Channel announced that because of the size and intensity of Hurricane Matthew management has deemed it necessary to pull its patented orgasmitron out of storage in the basement of their headquarters on Peachtree Street. “We just felt like it was the prudent thing to do,” said Weather Channel President David Clark.

“The last time I saw the team this horny was during Hurricane Katrina in 2005,” he said. “Katrina hit in August, and by May of 2006 the hospitals in metro Atlanta were literally overrun with newborns.

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Clark asked residents of Atlanta to do their part to help by contributing any sexy outfits or bondage equipment they currently aren’t using.

“It was one helluva party. By the time all the bodies were counted, we went through over three 55 gallon drums of cinnamon flavored Astroglide, twelve 32 oz containers of Studmaster Male Prolong Cayenne Pepper Sauce, an entire case of Viagra, and God knows how much alcohol, blow, and amphetamines.

“We hope the orgasmitron will help satisfy some of our female staff during the storm because frankly some of us are getting up there in age and we just don’t think we can keep up with a storm of this size.

“If anyone would like to help come by our offices. We have drop-off bins set out on the sidewalk for any lubricant, sex toys, or bondage costumes and equipment you may want to contribute.

“Don’t forget that we’re here to protect you, the public. The life you save may be your own!”

DeKalb County To Overhaul Burglary Squad

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – After the latest in a string of fiascos perpetrated by the DeKalb County Burglary Response Unit, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation has recommended that the unit be completely revamped and manned with new personnel who are actually able to differentiate their asses from holes in the ground.

The decision was made to reorganize the unit after three officers decided to storm a dwelling near downtown Atlanta on Monday like members of Seal Team 6 attacking an Afghan village.

Georgia Bureau of Investigation officials said DeKalb County Police Department received a report of a suspicious person Monday night in a southeast Atlanta neighborhood where many of the single-story homes look similar.

“All the houses down there have roofs and front doors,” said Lieutenant Martin Chowderhead of DeKalb County’s Ass Covering Unit. “It can be very confusing.”

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This is not the first time the Burglary Squad has caused a stir. In April the team plowed into a group of schoolchildren on a field trip to Fernbank Science Center while pursuing a woman who had stolen a water pistol from a toy store. Seven kids were killed and a dozen more seriously injured.

Three officers arrived at the residence and attempted to contact any occupants in the home. When no contact was made, the officers went to the back of the home and gained entry to it through a screened porch. The Georgia Bureau of Investigation said police went through a “reportedly unlocked door.”

Upon entry, the officers encountered a dog.

Following their training as police officers, the two officers fired without hesitation at the approach of a living mammal. No thought was given that a burglarized home would probably not contain a fucking live barking dog. The animal was killed almost instantly in hail of gunfire, but the cops’ blood lust was not quite quenched.

When the owner of the home appeared to find out who had murdered his family pet, the officers let fly with another volley, shooting the innocent man in the leg and wounding one of their own in the abdomen.

In a statement, the Georgia Bureau of Investigation said, “Early investigation indicates that the injured officer was likely shot accidentally by one of the other officers on the scene, who were firing wildly at anything that fucking moved.”

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The squad has over time garnered the reputation of a group of dolts who often inadvertently kills those whom it is charged to protect. “I’d rather be captured by the Taliban than be rescued by the Burglary Squad,” said DeKalb County resident Morris Goldblatt. “It’d be much safer.”

The injured officer, who was taken to the hospital, is in “serious but stable condition,” said Steven Fore, a DeKalb County Police spokesman. The officer “lost a lot of blood” Monday, but will likely survive to be awarded the DeKalb County Medal of Valor for Courage in the Face of Unarmed Civilians, said Cedric Alexander, DeKalb County’s public safety director.

However, GBI spokesman Scott Dutton said it was too early in the investigation to determine exactly who fired the gunshots. Dutton said he did not know whether anyone in the home was armed beside the police officers, and just because no firearms were found in the home or within a one mile radius of the site that did not mean that some crafty undocumented worker from Mexico or even a space alien could have been involved.

GBI officials said there is no evidence the residents had committed any crimes in their entire fucking lives and were watching television when the Burglary Squad swooped in on them like Force 10 from Naverone.

The homeowner, who was shot in his leg, was treated at a hospital and released. His name was not released and he declined to comment, because he intends to sue the fuck out of DeKalb County.

DeKalb County Police asked its friends at the  Georgia Bureau of Investigation to take over the investigation into the incident so it would appear to the public that a higher authority was actually doing something constructive to protect the citizens of DeKalb from brain-damaged, trigger happy police officers.

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A study commission by the Georgia House of Representatives found that over the last five years the Burglary Squad has caused three dozen deaths and over 17 million dollars worth of damage to infrastructure and private property in and around DeKalb County.

In a statement released Tuesday, the bureau said after the investigation is completed, “it will be turned over to the district attorney for any action the district attorney deems appropriate.”

The three officers who perpetrated the debacle, Officer Mike Dimbulb, Officer Titus Dullard, and Sergeant Billy Joe Numbnuts were reassigned to desk duty while the investigation is active.

Officer Fore told 11 Dead or Alive News that Chief Cedric Alexander originally wanted to assign the nitwits to janitorial duties for two weeks as punishment for leaving living witnesses to the giant clusterfuck. However, several mid level personnel who personally know the officers in question expressed concern that they would create an environmental disaster if given access to harsh cleaning chemicals.

The shooting happened in a neighborhood about 5 miles from downtown Atlanta, which is normally a safe area unless you happen to be an unarmed black male minding your own fucking business.

 

Confused Man Searches For His Penis Inside Atlanta Airport

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ATLANTA – (CT&P) – A disoriented 50-year-old man wearing an AR-15 rifle around his neck entered Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport today and wandered around aimlessly looking in rubbish bins and behind newspaper stands, according to reports from the Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

When approached by airport security personnel he reportedly said that he was “searching for his penis.”

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Before moving to Atlanta Mr. Cooley was the winner of the Chicagoland Small Penis Competition for three years running

The man, Jim Cooley, lives with his wife and daughter in an abandoned hunting shack located in a wooded area north of Atlanta. He regularly shows up in parks and public buildings around the city and asks passers-by if they have seen his penis and testicles.

Although originally from Chicago, Illinois, Cooley came down south in attempt to get away from people who ridiculed his paranoid fantasies about the federal government coming to take away his guns and sexual organs. Cooley is said to have settled in Georgia because of its borderline-insane firearms laws.

While many passengers were terrified at the gun-carrying man walking freely around the airport, Cooley was breaking no law because the State of Georgia actively encourages mentally unstable residents to arm themselves to the teeth and wander around aimlessly.

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Mr. Cooley lives with his wife Ethyl and their daughter Chloride in an abandoned hunting shack adjacent to a toxic waste dump

“He wasn’t hurting anyone and did not act threatening,” said Edward Dimbulb, a security guard at the airport. “We all kind of felt sorry for the old bastard. I mean it’s a hell of thing to have a dick so small that you can’t find it.”

Sergeant Robert Dogkiller of the Atlanta Police Department told the Journal-Constitution that although it was perfectly fine that Cooley was in the busiest airport in the fucking world with a loaded assault rifle, the APD had to remove Cooley when he stuck his hand down his pants and began weeping in front of a group of schoolchildren in route to North Korea to study civics.

“We southerners don’t want our kids exposed to anything that might lead them to believe that touching their own sexual organs is OK,” said Dogkiller. “If they need to examine something they can examine their Bibles.”

Cooley was removed without incident from the airport and transported to the edge of the woods where he lives. His dark red ’75 pickup was impounded but will be returned to him as soon as he coughs up the $5000 fine for parking in a handicapped zone.

 

 

Weather Channel Warns Nervous Viewers About The Downright Weird Physical Properties Of Water

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ATLANTA, GEORGIA (CT&P) – In a litany repeated over and over again ad nauseam weather cretins stationed all over the Southeast and Eastern seaboard warned angst ridden Weather Channel viewers that the physical properties of water, or H2O, changes as outside temperatures drop to around 32 degrees Fahrenheit.

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Cantore warned viewers that “Only a fool messes around with such a dangerous substance as water.”

“Water is downright weird,” said Weather Channel veteran reporter Jim Cantore. “As it gets cold outside, water can mysteriously change into things like sleet, ice, freezing rain, or in some conditions even snow.”

“Some of these substances, such as ice, can be very slippery to walk or drive on,” warned Cantore with a very serious look on his face. “So whatever you do, don’t leave your home if it’s cold outside. You run the risk of freezing to death on a deserted highway only a short distance from the safety of your warm crib.”

Cantore told viewers that anyone forced to travel in temperatures lower than 50 degrees should pack a survival kit and bring it along with them.

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Cantore said that many an idiot has met his death by hanging around outside in subzero temperatures when intelligent people were inside in front of a fire.

Cantore advised that the kit should contain distilled water, freeze-dried emergency rations, toilet paper, a flask of brandy attached to a St Bernard, a flare gun or “Very pistol,” space blanket, compass, signalling mirror and a three-day supply of amphetamines in order to stay alert.

Cantore also said that if you are dumb enough to leave your home during the winter months you should take along the weakest member of your family in case you run out of food and are forced to eat them to survive.

Director of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration Dr. Jean Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that water can be very dangerous particularly in wintertime when it is so unpredictable.

Lubchenco said that “We never know from one minute to the next what form water will take as it falls out of the sky. It often poses a threat to life and limb for those who don’t have the sense God gave a goat, so the best course for Americans is to stay inside their homes until spring.”

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Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency news conference last night to assure residents that the state’s fleet of snow plows and salt trucks would work round the clock to keep the streets clear

Dr. Lubchenco agreed with Cantore that carrying an emergency kit around in the car with you was a good idea, but stopped short of advising the public to resort to cannibalism. “Except for Florida, every state in the Union has outlawed cannibalism,” said Lubchenco, “so I don’t recommend devouring grandma except as a last resort.”

In a related story, Georgia Governor Nathan Deal held an emergency press conference late last night to assure a panic-stricken public that the state was prepared to handle anything that Mother Nature could throw at it.

Governor Deal told reporters that at enormous expense to the state, a fleet of over 300 trucks was dispensing a toxic mixture of salt, sand, and radioactive fracking compounds all over the roads of Metro Atlanta, even though temperatures were nowhere near low enough for ice to form.

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Governor Deal warned the residents of rural counties in North Georgia that winter sports should be left to the experts

“We want to err on the side of caution,” said Deal. He assured the public that the money spent contaminating the roads could be replaced by pirating funds from public school systems as is usually done for idiotic projects.

Deal told reporters that if temperatures remained above freezing as was expected, the public should be aware that water in the form of a liquid could fall from the sky making objects around Atlanta wet.

“Puddles could form on sidewalks that could damage leather shoes and whatnot,” said Deal. “The public should remain alert and aware of all the dangers associated with this substance.”

Deal also warned that those venturing out after the trucks got rolling should just drive around and stay inside their vehicles so that they would not be unnecessarily exposed to carcinogenic compounds in the sludge.

“Our health care system is already at the breaking point as it is,” said Deal. “We don’t need a rash of tumors popping up this summer.”

 

 

‘Last Stop Burgers And Bullets’ Now Selling Franchises Around The Southeast

Shooting instructor Charles Vacca stands next to a 9-year-old girl at the Last Stop shooting range in White Hills

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Founder and CEO of Last Stop Burgers and Bullets, General Jack D. Ripper USAF (Ret), announced yesterday that the combo burger joint and machine gun firing range has sold its first franchise to a venture capital group in Atlanta, Georgia.

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General Ripper spoke to journalists by phone from his luxurious bunker located deep below the surface of the Nevada desert

“We are pleased to announce that Bad Idea Enterprises of Buckhead have bought the rights for three new locations with an option for three more,” said General Ripper. “We believe that our precious 2nd Amendment rights should be exercised by citizens of all ages, and our new franchises will be even more ‘kid friendly’ than our original location in White Hills.”

Arnold Schmuckenstein, CEO of Bad Idea, agrees: “We want to encourage children and old folks alike to visit our new facility just outside the entrance to Six Flags Over Georgia,” said Schmuckenstein. “We are adding some new attractions, like a quad .50 caliber machine gun mounted on a pickup truck and a vintage WWII Katyusha rocket launcher!”

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General Ripper demonstrated via video link one of Last Stand’s new attractions, a vintage Browning .30 caliber machine gun that has been modified for easy use by children as young a six years old

“We have special programs for children, so kids as young as two years old can play with fully automatic assault weapons loaded with rubber bullets,” Schmuckenstein said. “You really can’t start too early teaching kids about firearms. You never know when ISIS might be marching up Peachtree Street and we need to defend ourselves.”

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“You must be this tall to fire the RPG.” General Ripper emphasized that he had made extensive safety overhauls before selling the new franchises

Bad Idea also has gone out of its way to make firearms training available to the disabled.

“We have a community outreach program in which we will be providing free live fire sessions for the blind and those unfortunate individuals with advanced Parkinson’s Disease,” said Schmuckenstein.

“We are also producing 50,000 Cd’s and DVDs featuring recent exchanges of machine gun and rocket fire in the Gaza Strip that will be given free of charge to new moms so they can play them 24/7 in their infant’s nurseries. When my kid Kevin was just a baby I played recordings of creeping artillery barrages to him every night. You would not believe the calming effect it had on him. Now he hopes to pass the five-minute exam and become one of our first instructors.”

Although many have questioned the wisdom of expanding what has proved to be a highly dangerous enterprise, General Ripper told reporters he was not worried at all.

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Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre is also considering buying a Last Stand franchise for the D.C. area. “Kids deserve to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights just as much as we adults,” said LaPierre. “I mean honestly, what could go wrong?”

“Every business at one time or another suffers casualties. We had one unfortunate incident in which an instructor had his head blown off by a 9-year-old girl with an Uzi. These kind of industrial accidents happen all the time. It’s not fair to condemn a whole program just because of one little slip-up. I’m not saying there won’t be fatalities, but what I am saying is no more than 10 to 20 million killed, tops!”

The introduction of Last Stand into the Atlanta metro area has not gone unnoticed, however.

Founder and CEO of Waffle House Joe Rodgers spoke to Fox News’ Neal Cavuto yesterday and said, “We at Waffle House are not going to take this competition lying down. We intend to add firing ranges to all our locations around the country, so our drunken customers will have a safe area to blow off steam in the wee hours of the morning. We’ve had the corner on the unhealthy food/senseless gunshot wound market for years now and we won’t give it up without a fight!”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Centers For Disease Control ‘Misplaces’ Ebola Patient

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The Atlanta Journal-Constitution is reporting this morning that the Centers for Disease Control have apparently ‘misplaced’ Dr. Kent Brantly, who had been flown into Atlanta to receive treatment at Emory University Hospital. The AJC reported that Brantly, who has been slowly improving, was moved over the weekend to the CDC campus for some tests. He was to return to Emory Sunday night.

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Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed told the AJC that he lives in fear of being told that some laboratory experiment over at the CDC has gone terribly wrong

“Something went badly wrong here,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the CDC. “As everyone in America knows, we take great pride in our safety and inventory protocols, and run this place strictly by the book. This is the first foul-up we’ve had since that anthrax powder got into the cafeteria mashed potatoes earlier this summer. I want to assure the public that Brantly is here somewhere, but we have a large campus and it might take a while to track him down.”

The unit where Brantly was being treated over at Emory is run by Dr. Bruce Ribner. “The patient was just supposed to be transported over there and back so those idiots over at the CDC could culture some live virus,” said Dr. Ribner. “How the hell they managed to lose him beats the hell out of me.”

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Reed denied rumors that the city has hired Brad Pitt as a consultant paid to come up with contingency plans in case Atlanta is overrun by zombies from the CDC

Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed was also not amused with the situation.

“Just who the hell is running that asylum over there?” said Reed. ” How in God’s name do you lose some dude who can’t even get out of bed because he’s hemorrhaging all over the place? I mean Jesus! The son-of-bitch was in a giant Glad bag for Christ’s sake. Rick Perry has got it easy. All he has to worry about is tuberculosis. I live in fear every day that some federal official is going to call me and tell me that we have some plague of brain-eating zombies overrunning the city. Those people over there couldn’t find their ass if they used both hands! Shit!”

The unfortunate misplacement of Brantly comes at a bad time because a second ebola victim, Nancy Writebol, arrived at Dobbins Air Force base early this morning. She was scheduled to be transported to Emory later today.

However, upon hearing the news of Brantly’s disappearance, she immediately ripped a hole in the protective tent surrounding her gurney and demanded to be transported to Fulton Urgent Care, a doc-in-the-box on Buford Highway, instead.

 

 

Demon Cat Update: Authorities Now Searching For Canine Accomplice

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“Gus” phoned Atlanta Police and claimed he was innocent of wrongdoing and only got mixed up with “Nosferatu” when he answered an ad in the Journal Constitution entitled “Henchmen Needed.” However, photographic evidence seems to tell a very different story.

ATLANTA, GA-Law enforcement authorities in Atlanta have issued a new bulletin regarding the be-headings and massive loss of life suffered within the city in recent weeks. It seems that the deadly and malevolent feline “Nosferatu” has not been operating solo. According to an anonymous tipster, a vicious dachshund named “Gus” has been helping the cat perpetrate its murderous rampage.

The dachshund’s owners, Bruce and Deena Becker, have flatly denied that “Gus” had any role to play in the reign of terror that has descended on the city in recent weeks. “Gus is a sweetheart and would never even harm a fly,” said Mrs Becker. “We raised him to be a perfect gentleman and he would not be caught dead carousing with some homicidal feline.” Mr. Becker was unavailable for comment because his short attention span precludes the use of telephonic devices.

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This carcass was found on the Homeland Security Headquarters’ doorstep with a sloppily-written note that said “Watch out holmes! We’re coming for you next! There was no signature, just a paw-print in blood

The Becker’s denials of wrongdoing notwithstanding, veteran reporters from UPI have produced photographic evidence from within the combat zone that points to the dachshund’s involvement. It seems that “Gus” has been cooperating with “Nosferatu” for over two months. He has a slightly different MO in that he prefers to decapitate his victim and parade around with the corpse in his mouth in order to instill terror in the residents who are still alive.

“We have not seen this level of savagery since Ray Lewis was in town for Superbowl XXXIV,” said Atlanta Police Chief George Turner. This dastardly dachshund must think he’s Robespierre or something. There are human heads on pikes all up and down Peachtree Street. First the ice storms and now this horror! We need the Feds to get here with help as fast as they can.”

Always the optimist, Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed stated at a recent press conference, “I know the situation seems bleak at this time, but just think of all the extra business Publix and Kroger have done over recent weeks. That means extra tax dollars for our community. Plus, with everyone absolutely terrified to go outdoors, traffic has been excellent! I’m sure that when the army arrives late next week all will return to the normal chaotic state of affairs.”

Editor’s note for our readers within the State of Florida: The correct spelling of the breed of dog in question is indeed dachshund and NOT dash-hound!