Children Of The Corn Choose Son Of Satan

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Senator and Antichrist Ted Cruz, powered by a surge of support from fanatical evangelical Christians, dealt a humbling loss to Donald J. Trump in the Iowa caucuses on Monday, throwing into question the depth of support for Mr. Trump’s unconventional candidacy.

In the first contest of what so far has been more a populist revolt against the political order than a traditional Republican primary, part-time Senator Marco Rubio of Florida finished a strong third, bolstering his case to consolidate the support of Republicans uneasy about the two top finishers and so desperate that they will back a man-child with the mind of a teenager instead of face the reality of a Trump or Cruz candidacy.

Mr. Cruz had nearly 28 percent of the vote, Mr. Trump 24 percent and Mr. Rubio 23 percent.

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Christian organizations all across Iowa celebrated the Cruz victory by crucifying gay couples in remote cornfields and sending their adopted children to Jesus, Inc. reeducation camps run by Hobby Lobby and Chick-fil-A

“To God be the glory,” Mr. Cruz told jubilant supporters. “Tonight is a victory for religious kooks all across this great nation. Tonight is a victory for both naive fools that actually believe what I’m saying, and brain-dead Tea Party hayseed twits all across Iowa.”

Chairman Necromancer McSnead of the popular Iowa Christians for a Violent Overthrow of the Federal Government, a splinter group of the American Taliban Association, wholeheartedly agreed.

“When Ted gains power we can go back to executing gays, negroes, and poor people in the village square just like in the good old days of the Middle Ages,” McSnead told Katy Tur of MSNBC. “That’s what Jesus would want.

“We understand that Ted has to bide his time and actually pretend to be reasonable while running his campaign, but we all look forward to him seizing power and turning the federal government into an oppressive theocracy that smothers all progressive ideas and jails all dissenters. Anyone with any sense knows that’s how the ultra right-wing Christian founders wanted it to be, and if we have to make a pact with the Son of Satan to achieve it, then so be it. We just can’t wait to live in the Saudi Arabia of the West!”

Meanwhile, almost every decent human being in the United States and around the world hopes that Cruz will fall flat on his ass in New Hampshire and Trump or Rubio will come out the victor.

Even elected Republican officeholders are lining up against Cruz.

Senator John McCain (R-AZ) told Fox News that he would rather see “a diseased goat” as president rather than Cruz. “Ted Cruz redefines what it means to be an asshole. He’s a walking, talking hemorrhoid. He can’t assume room temperature soon in enough if you ask me.”

With the New Hampshire primary only days away, we won’t have long to wait to see who comes out on top, the fascist, the  man-child, or the Antichrist himself.

 

 

Leader Of Catholic Church Meets With Antichrist

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – His Holiness Pope Francis met today with the Antichrist, President Obama, at the White House to discuss ways in which the church can delay the inevitable apocalypse brought about by his reign of terror over the American people and citizens of the world.

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After the Pope left the White House the Antichrist dropped his clever disguise as a reasonable and intelligent human being.

Before the meeting, His Holiness told reporters outside the White House that he had been monitoring right-wing websites and listening to “kooky radio talk show hosts” talk about the evils of the Obama Administration for years and thought it might be time to intervene.

“After reading about the ravages of Jade Helm 15 on various right-wing websites, which reported that the operation eradicated the Christian population of Texas, I decided it was high time someone tried to reason with that demon masquerading as president,” said the Pontiff.

No one knows what went on during the meeting, as it was conducted behind closed doors and the Pope was alone with the Son of Satan. However, afterwards the Pope had some discouraging words to say to journalists.

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Intellectuals within the Tea Party were the first to recognize that we had elected the Son of Satan to be our 44th president

“I was unable to convince the Prince of Darkness to delay the End Times,” said Francis. “He insists that he will continue to offer health care to the poor and attempt to destroy the United States through the use of clean air and water acts, and encourage free cancer screenings and the use of low-cost contraceptives among the poor at the expense of wealthy Americans. Worst of all, he says he won’t just start invading Muslim countries out of misplaced fear and hatred. I’m afraid we’re all doomed.”

For his part President Obama told the press that he really enjoyed his time with the Pope but had to say goodbye after lunch because he had plans to destroy the entire fucking country again late this afternoon.

 

 

Dick Cheney Comes Out As Transhuman: ‘I am a demon’

Vice President Cheney Criticizes Democrats Iraq Spending Bill

NEW YORK – (CT&P) – During an hour-long interview with Diane Sawyer televised back to back with her two-hour special last night with Bruce Jenner, former Vice President Dick Cheney admitted that he was a “demon from hell” trapped inside a human body.

Cheney really opened up during the interview, and at times even dropped his human guise to reveal his true nature. In a symbolic moment at the start of his interview, Cheney admitted “Yes Diane, for all intents and purposes, I am a fiend spawned in the fires of Hell.”

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On several occasions during the interview Cheney dropped his human guise and let the public see his true nature.

For the Satan-worshiping community, the moment was almost as significant as when Hitler was elected president of Germany in 1934. Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR), widely believed to be the Antichrist, tweeted his support of Cheney, saying “I’m so proud of Dick. It’s high time  one of us came clean with the American people and let them know who we truly represent. He’s setting an example for Republicans everywhere.”

“My whole life has been getting me ready for this,” said Cheney, from my leadership and support of vile and evil oil companies who pollute the earth and are leading us headlong into planetary disaster, to my time as vice president where I lied my ass off and started a catastrophic war in Iraq.”

Cheney said he self-identifies as “Legion,” not a specific name. But he told Sawyer he felt comfortable using the pronouns “demon” and “fiend,” a designation that is an important issue for many in the Satanic community, which believes that Satan worshipers and demons should be referred to by the terms with which they choose to identify.

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Cheney told Sawyer that he met with Satan in the in Oval Office whenever President Bush was out-of-town wreaking havoc at international summits.

“I’m just tired of living a lie,” said Cheney. “When our gracious Lord Lucifer generously ripped the heart out of another human so I could continue my mission on earth, I made the decision to ‘come out’ and let everyone know that I am a servant of the Prince of Darkness, humanity’s true Savior.”

Cheney told Sawyer that he plans on continuing his mission; supporting the torture and humiliation of human beings, the destruction of the environment, and encouraging useless and expensive wars all over the globe. He feels that even though he no longer holds office, he can be of service to other minions of Satan currently serving in the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives.

“The Republican Party still needs my help,” said Cheney. “There are countries all over the globe that we haven’t had a chance to bomb yet.”

Sawyer’s next special is scheduled for late summer, when she will do a five-hour marathon interview with Bill Cosby, in which he is expected to “come out” as a demonic incubus sent from Mephistopheles to have sex with sleeping women.

 

Satan To Kickoff Tour Of Southeast With Visit To SeaWorld

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THE RIVER STYX, HELL – (CT&P) – Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar appeared before reporters this morning to announce the itinerary of Lucifer’s upcoming whirlwind trip around the Southeast. The Prince of Darkness tries to visit every region of the United States at least once per year, and this year the honor of being first goes to the former Confederate states.

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Satan decided to open his tour at SeaWorld because it represents so much that he adores about human beings.

“His majesty is looking forward to meeting his supporters and constituents in the South and thanking them for their ongoing loyalty and generosity,” said Balthazar. “He thought, ‘what better way to kick off this mutual love-fest than a trip to a place that specializes in desensitizing children to the effects of animal torture?'”

According to Balthazar, Mephistopheles will spend a full day in Orlando meeting with representatives from SeaWorld discussing more effective ways of ripping young orcas away from their mothers and sentencing them to a life spent in an overgrown bathtub so they can perform tricks for people on vacation from their soul-crushing jobs at Walmart.

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Journalists dread Satanic news conferences because they are obliged to tread water the entire time Balthazar is speaking

The King of Hell will then jet off to rural south Georgia where he will stop to congratulate Melissa Jeffcoat, the florist who used the Bible to justify her bigotry against gays and lesbians. “She’s a real pro,” said Balthazar.

 

Later that day the Antichrist will visit a puppy mill in South Carolina before attending  a gala dog-fighting event in east Tennessee that night.

 

Lord Balthazar said that Apollyon’s schedule would be very busy and packed with visits to the minions doing his bidding on earth, so there would be little time for interviews with the media.

Roy Moore, former chief justice of Alabama supreme court

Mephistopheles will wind up his tour of the Southeast with a visit to his good friend and follower Judge Roy Moore of Alabama. “He is one of His Majesty’s favorites,” said Balthazar. “No one can twist God’s word to suit his own hatred better than Roy! He really makes Christians look awful. We love him!”

 

Other scheduled stops include appointments with the governors of Florida and Texas, a luncheon engagement with Senator Tom Cotton of Arkansas, and a crab boil with the entire cast of Duck Dynasty.

Balthazar said that the Archfiend will wind up the tour with a giant barbecue at the home of Judge Roy Moore of Alabama.

“The straight public is invited and there will be fun for all ages,” said Balthazar. “The kids will really love all the games we have planned, like ‘pin the crime on the nigger,’ ‘chase the lesbian through the minefield,’ and one Roy came up with himself called ‘the faggot pinata,’ which features a gay man suspended on bungee cords at just the right height for kids to take a swing at him with a Louisville Slugger!”

Balthazar wrapped up the news conference by saying that Satan was looking forward to meeting and rewarding all those who represent him here on earth, and that includes all the kids.

“One of His Majesty’s favorite sayings is ‘You can never start hating too soon.'”