‘Pathogen Parties’ Becoming Popular On Left Coast

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LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – “Pathogen Parties,” or get-togethers of otherwise healthy unvacccinated kids, are rapidly rising in popularity with the anti-vaxxer crowd on the west coast. The parties are designed to expose the children to deadly childhood and adult diseases in order to “toughen them up” for the coming ordeals and disappointments of adult life.

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Hemorrhaging Herman, a professional clown currently suffering from Ebola, has been wildly popular at the CNPA events

“What does not kill you makes you stronger, and we all want strong, healthy kids, don’t we?” said Theresa Twit of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association.

“We got the idea from reading about George Washington vaccinating his troops against smallpox,” said Twit. “He used pus from running sores on smallpox patients and scratched his healthy soldiers’ exposed skin with a filthy needle covered with the live virus. It made perfect sense to us.”

The organization has taken the idea one step further by recruiting diseased children and adults with a whole suite of different communicable diseases and turning them loose to play with the healthy, happy ones.

“We have partnered with Pathogens R Us, a website that hooks up infected individuals with concerned parents all over the United States,” said Twit. “We really owe them a great debt. There’s just no way we could have located enough afflicted people to be effective without their help.”

Pathogens has made it possible for us to recruit kids and adults with all kinds of horrific diseases. They also provide great game ideas for the kids, such as ‘Bodily Fluids Bingo,’ ‘Pin the Tail on the Anthrax’, and ‘Hide and Go Die.’ They even sell a pinata filled with test tubes containing a wide variety of viruses and bacteria that the kids would normally never get a chance to experience.”

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Chuck E. Cheese’s has jumped on the bandwagon to help out the dimwitted parents by developing a toxic “West Coast Menu” and covering its giant rodent mascots with fleas carrying bubonic plague

The CNPA has also formed a partnership with the popular kid’s party palace Chuck E. Cheese’s. The restaurant chain has developed an entirely new ‘West Coast’ menu featuring a variety of toppings laced with life-threatening microbes and parasites. Some of the most popular new pizzas include Salmonella Surprise, Staphylococcus  Supreme, and a gourmet white pizza loaded with botulinum toxin called the Upchuckie.

“We just want our kids to form all the antibodies that are so necessary to combat disease,” said Twit. “We just don’t believe in doing it in the modern fashion accepted by scientists and the general public for decades. For example, we’re currently recruiting polio victims from Pakistan to come in and join us at a gala event at Disneyland next month. We just can’t wait.”

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The effectiveness of the parties is yet to be determined, but the CNPA insists that those kids who make it out of intensive care alive will be better prepared for life than kids with “normal” parents

Pundits and public health officials around California have expressed alarm at the group’s activities and are strongly advising parents to keep their kids “the fuck away” from any parties designed to make their kids critically ill.

California Attorney General Kamela Harris has said publicly that if the parties continue she will be forced to charge the participants with child abuse and with being “too stupid to live in California.”

“These idiots don’t have the sense to get their kids vaccinated in the first place, and now they are importing diseased individuals from all over the world to do the job a doctor could have done in five minutes,” said Harris. “If these cretins want to return to the 7th century, then let them convert to Islam and move to Syria. I mean, fuck!”

Anti Vaxxers Call Emergency Séance To Seek Guidance From Spirit World

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SANTA ANA, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – Leaders of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association and the Vacuous Housewives Club of Orange County, the two largest anti-vaccination groups in the country, have called a crisis meeting this weekend to discuss how to respond to the barrage of criticism the groups are receiving over the measles outbreak currently sweeping the country.

Officeholders of both organizations will be present at the emergency summit as well as several luminaries and public advocates for the misguided cause. Former Playmate and Rhodes Scholar Jenny McCarthy, serial killer and conspiracy theory kook Jeffrey John Aufderheide, virus rights advocate Senator Thom “Typhoid” Tillis (R-NC), and New Jersey governor and planetoid Chris Christie will all be in attendance.

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Anti-vax leader and serial killer Jeffrey John Aufderheide will be the keynote speaker at the emergency meeting

The emergency summit will commence on Saturday morning with a series of round table discussions on how to best deflect the criticism of nearly every sane person in the United States and carry on with the asinine policies that have loosed a once-eradicated disease on an unsuspecting public.

The discussions will be followed up with a gala dance featuring West African witch doctors and shamans on loan from obscure Brazilian rain forest tribes.

Late Saturday night, VIP guests will be treated to a gathering where famous medium and charlatan John Edward MaGee Jr. will conduct a séance in an attempt to reach long-dead anti-intellectuals and enemies of science to seek their advice in averting a catastrophe for “The Cause.”

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Aufderheide has repeatedly warned visitors to his website that lizard people from outer space are attempting to take over our planet

Mr. MaGee will enter the “spirit world” and try to speak with such revered personalities as Puritan John Cotton, Chairman Mao of China, various former leaders of the Spanish Inquisition, and most importantly, leader of the Cambodian Khmer Rouge guerrillas, Pol-Pot.

“We’d like to get some advice on just how we can keep this dumb ass anti-vaccination movement going,” said Jenny McCarthy, president of the Vapid Blonde Models Society. “I’d really like to get in touch with General Fransisco Franco of Spain to get some advice on how we could initiate our very own ‘White Terror’ campaign. After all, I think we can all agree that intellectuals and scientists are Public Enemy #1 in this country.”

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Anti-vax leaders invited New Jersey Governor Chris Christie to attend the summit in hopes that the gravitational field that surrounds him will attract long dead personalities from the spirit world to their fucked up seance

Jeffrey John Aufderheide agreed with McCarthy saying: “We have to nip this criticism in the bud. Most of it is coming from alien lizard people from outer space posing as cable TV pundits anyway. If we don’t find some way to stop this invasion from Planet 10, the earth is doomed.”

Most pundits believe that the summit meeting has a snowball’s chance in hell of stemming the tide of criticism for the anti-vax crowd. “Even the mentally deficient American public has enough sense to see the logic in protecting our kids from the ravages of preventable diseases,” said Bill O’Reilly of Fox News.

 

Even in California the tide seems to be turning against the dunderheads in the anti-vax crowd. State politicians from both sides of the aisle are proposing legislation to join 32 other states in limiting exemptions for childhood vaccinations.

“We’ve got to get a grip on things before these morons fuck things up for the rest of us,” said California State Senator Richard Pan, a pediatrician from the 6th District. “If these idiots don’t want to vaccinate their kids, fine. Let them live in total isolation from the rest of us. The nitwits don’t make any valuable contribution to society anyway. Fuck ’em!”

 

 

 

Anti Vaxxers Choose New Convention Site

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – A statement released this morning from the Criminally Negligent Parents Association announced that the annual Anti-Vaccination Convention and Voodoo Science Expo will be moved to Petersburg, Kentucky this year. The group was forced to find a new site for the event when it became apparent that the original choice, Disneyland, had become too dangerous to visit.

The anti-vaxxers will join the Dumb Ass Conspiracy Theorist’s League, the Climate Change Denier’s Guild, and the Open Carry Accidental Gunshot Wound Alliance at the Creation Museum in mid September in one big celebration of ignorance. The American Family Association has also changed the dates of its annual “Jesus Hates Fags” Homosexual Hatefest and Chili Cookoff to coincide with the event.

“We thought that combining our convention with those of like-minded organizations just made economic sense, and as far as we have been able to determine, the measles outbreak currently ravaging the west coast has not yet spread to the backwoods of Kentucky, so it should be safe,” said Jenny McCarthy, spokesperson for the organization of twits.

“The Creation Museum was the perfect choice,” said Glenn Beck, keynote speaker for the event. “Ken Ham has built a veritable altar to ignorance there in Petersburg. He, like me, has managed to build a profitable career on the utter ignorance of the American public.”

Turd McPherson, president of the Climate Change Denier’s Club, agreed. “Ken has done a great job building a child-friendly environment that erases 300 years of scientific progress. He’s gone to great lengths to replace it with superstitious nonsense out of a book written before we knew our ass from a hole in the ground.”

“We all know that the Bible says we can’t change the climate, just like we all know that Noah put giant dinosaurs on a lifeboat along with every other species of animal on the planet. It’s just common sense. Science is the real enemy in the modern world, and we have to fight it tooth and nail,” said McPherson.

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Federal authorities insisted that the convention be delayed until September so they could be ready for anything from Ebola to mass hysteria. “We just don’t know what to expect from this potentially toxic concentration of idiocy,” said Director of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson

The convention, which was originally scheduled for June, had to be delayed because federal authorities insisted on the erection of a giant electric fence encircling the museum and the entire city of Petersburg.

“We can’t take the risk that any pathogens might escape,” said Dr. Tom Frieden, Director of the Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta. “We’re coordinating with Homeland Security and FEMA in order to reduce the chance that we might have some sort of plague outbreak that could harm the citizens of our country who actually have functioning forebrains.”

“This combined convention will be the largest concentration of dolts, cretins, morons, and dunderheads in one location that the nation has seen since the 2010 National Tea Party Convention in Dimbulb, Texas,” said FEMA Administrator Craig Fugate. “We have to be prepared for the worst.”