Koch Brothers To Acquire Nuclear Weapons


WICHITA, KANSAS – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside Koch Industries World Domination Headquarters in Wichita, Kansas, a spokesman for the Koch brothers told reporters that a dedicated team has been assembled to purchase nuclear weapons from former Soviet satellite states. Another team has been tasked to begin research and development of a modern version of the old Cold War neutron bombs made so popular by former President Ronald Reagan.


Koch operatives are currently scouring old Eastern Bloc countries and making contact with Russian mafia leaders in order to acquire as many “suitcase nukes” as possible.

Dr. Raymond Turd, head of the company’s weapons division, said that around three dozen operatives were now scouring the old Soviet Union and Eastern Bloc countries for briefcase bombs and other “battlefield nukes,” such as atomic artillery shells, nuclear-capable short-range surface to surface missiles, and nuclear depth charges.

When asked why the Kochs felt the need to acquire nukes, Dr. Turd explained that the brothers were sick and tired of dealing with people who did not agree with their policies and their plans to turn America into a giant oligarchy with Koch Industries as its leader.

“The brothers are getting up there in age,” said Dr. Turd, “and they are fed up with pumping billions of dollars into a political system that still relies on the old-fashioned ideas of democracy and rule of law. The fact that poor people are allowed to vote has always griped their asses. So they have decided to cut to the chase and simply wipe out the opposition with nuclear bombs, starting with urban areas and the capitals of blue states.”


Dr. Turd replaced Dr. Jonathon Rediman as head of the weapons division of Koch. Rediman’s failed attempt to bring back a xenomorph from LV-426 got him fired, and he is currently in a Koch Industries mental ward where all he does is repeat “You are a beautiful, beautiful butterfly” all day long.

“We’re really excited by the idea of a new suite of neutron bombs,” continued Turd. “That way, we can kill all human and animal life in liberal areas of the country and colonize the undamaged cities with young right-wing wacko couples who have signed agreements to breed like hell. It’s truly and inspired plan.”

Apparently the plan has been on the drawing board at Koch Industries for quite some time, but was never taken too seriously until Hillary announced she was running on the Democrat ticket. With the 2016 presidential election looming, Koch’s “Committee of Public Safety,” led by one of the Koch’s distant cousins known only as “Robespierre,” initiated “Operation Dropkick,” as the plan is called within the Empire.

“None of us really thought they would go through with it because of the labor shortage and clean up costs associated with  killing all those people, but when the brothers saw the lineup of Republican clowns running for president, they just threw up their hands and said ‘fuck it,'” said Dr. Turd.