Hundreds Injured After Fun-Loving Aliens Punk Evangelicals In Alabama

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BIRMINGHAM – (CT&P) – Dozens have been hospitalized and many more injured after a couple of alien observers pulled a prank on the members of Our Lady of the Poorly Educated Primitive Baptist Church located in Draconian, Alabama.

According to an article in Imaginary Friends magazine the two aliens, John Small Berries and John Yaya, Red Lectroids from Planet 10 by way of the 8th Dimension, admitted to violating the Prime Directive by using a tractor beam to lift members of the congregation into the air and then allowing them to plummet back to earth. The simulated Rapture took place as churchgoers were gathering in the parking lot to participate in the weekly Wednesday night snake-handling ritual.

Small Berries and Yaya said that they could just not resist fucking with the members of the church any longer.

“We’ve been observing these idiots for years, and let me tell you, a dumber group of imbeciles would be hard to find in the known universe,” said Small Berries.

“I mean these folks actually believe they’re gonna be levitated to heaven at some point so as to avoid the wrath of some zombie savior when he comes back. It’s ridiculous. The closest I’ve seen to this kind of idiocy is the Lizard People of Zoltan. They think a giant alligator will visit the planet with amazing gifts and make their lives wonderful for ever and ever. It’s like some sort of reptilian cargo cult.”

John Yaya agreed, saying “When you’re dealing with lower life forms who think some incestuous farmer built an ark for the dinosaurs I say that all bets are off. I know we shouldn’t have interfered, and we really didn’t mean to hurt anyone, but we just got carried away. We only wanted to pound some sense into these misguided souls.”

All of the victims of the prank are expected to survive the ordeal, but many say they are scarred for life.

Helga Rodentwat of nearby Naive, Alabama told a local reporter that she really thought Jesus was lifting her up to the heavens to receive her reward for remaining a virgin all her life.

“Now I know it was all in vain,” she said. “I could’ve been out there raising hell and bumpin’ uglies all this time. Now I’m 83 and it’s gonna be hard to find a ‘date’ this late in the game. Shit!”

This makes the third time in as many years that Our Lady of the Poorly Educated has been in the news.

In 2014 the church was rocked by scandal when it was discovered the youth minister was running a child prostitution ring featuring a rare breed of miniature goats, and last fall three members of the church died of rattlesnake bites on the church grounds when no one was able to phone for an ambulance because everyone was speaking in tongues.

 

 

 

 

 

The church, located near Sand Mountain, has a congregation of over three hundred souls.

 

 

Bentley Elected President Of Prestigious Governors Association

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MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been elected president of the prestigious Horny Republican Governors Association, edging out former governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford in what pundits have called a ‘nip and tuck’ race between two swollen and distended southern politicians.

Sanford had long been considered the favorite to win the position because of his creativity and yarn-spinning abilities, and he held double-digit leads in the polls for most of the race.

However, Bentley made a big comeback towards the end of the contest and won the election going away in large part because voters were so impressed with his prowess, performance, and doggedness when faced with situations that would make most men his age run for the prescription bottle.

“Bentley is one of the horniest motherfuckers I’ve ever seen,” said Milton Schlongstein of the Birmingham News. “I think it was that sex tape that really gave him the inside track and lubed his way to victory.

“That old coot may look like a funeral director, but let me tell ya, he can bang away all night long in every imaginable position. He’s a real stud.”

Bentley told journalists that he’s honored to be taking over the reins of the organization and looked forward to helping it grow in length and girth.

“I think I can engorge the HRGA with new blood and significant cash donations from our allies in the business world,” said Bentley at a press conference outside the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Opelika.

The HRGA was originally created to give political cover for Tea Baggers who run as ‘family values’ candidates but who in reality will fuck anything with a pulse.

However, over the years the group has become a multi-faceted organization that has done a great deal to help out embattled right wing politicians by paying legal fees stemming from sexual harassment lawsuits, delivering bags of cash to pay off blackmailing bitches and the parents of adolescents, and finding lawyers willing to defend state officials brought up on bestiality charges.

Governor Bentley is slated to take over as president just as soon as the people of Alabama throw him out on his shriveled white hypocritical ass sometime this spring.

Rubio Pulls An Ohio State; Claims Victory After Finishing Third

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DES MOINES – (CT&P) – In a scene that no doubt reminded Alabama and Clemson supporters of petulant Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about their wonderful 2015 season, Marco Rubio climbed the podium Monday night to declare victory in the Iowa caucuses, a contest in which he finished third behind Antichrist Ted Cruz and up-and-coming fascist Donald Trump.

“For months, they said we had no chance,” said the part-time senator from Florida. “They told me I had no chance because my hair wasn’t gray enough and my jackboots were too high. They told me I needed to wait my turn, that I needed to wait in line, that I needed to be proven against tougher competition. But tonight here in Iowa the people of this great state have sent a very clear message, that we are the national champions!”

Despite being defeated by real men when push came to shove, Rubio droned on for hours about how he had defeated cupcake establishment rivals in a long and glorious season during the campaign in Iowa.

“This victory is unprecedented in the annals of politics, and will go down as one of the greatest comebacks in coaching history!”

On Tuesday morning political pundits wondered aloud just what type of drugs Rubio has been ingesting, but speculated that they are the same type readily available throughout the State of Ohio.

Rubio faces an uphill challenge in his next gridiron battle, taking place in a matter of days in New Hampshire, where the Coaches Poll has him a distant second behind Trump, 36 to 15. But hope springs eternal, and Rubio has confidence that his newly hired offensive speech coordinator will help pull him through.

“Our win in Iowa will give us the momentum we need to pull off this thing in the 4th quarter,” said a thirsty Rubio. “We’re going all the way to number one!”

Rubio is scheduled to meet with Ohio State Coach Urban Meyer on Friday to get some tips on how to spin a second defeat in a row just in case things don’t go according to plan.

 

 

Obama Signs Executive Order Forcing Ohio State To Play Tougher Schedule

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama signed an executive order today that will force Ohio State to play a tougher schedule each year or be banned from whining like a bunch of pussies, according to White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest.

At a press conference this afternoon Earnest told reporters that the entire country was “sick and fucking tired” of Ohio State players and fans bellyaching about how great they are and how they could have beaten Alabama or Clemson easily if only they had been in the college football playoff.

The order calls for Ohio State to play at least one game per year against a quality opponent from outside the Big Ten, preferably a team from the SEC or ACC. Cupcakes such as Wake Forest and Vanderbilt are excluded from the list of possible opponents. If Ohio State refuses to schedule a team that actually has quality players on it, there will be a gag order placed on all players and fans.

Any coach, player or fan who disregards the order and runs his or her fucking mouth will face heavy fines and possible jail time.

Ohio governor and presidential candidate John Kasich called the order just another example of Obama run amok issuing edicts like a despot.

“Obama is a tyrant, that much is clear,” said Kasich.

However, the order has been greeted with approval from nearly every corner of the country excluding the State of Ohio. Even fellow GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, former governor of Arkansas, praised the action.

“I can’t tell you how sick we are of that idiot Urban Meyer and those Buckeye bumpkins going on and on about how great they are,” said Huckabee. “I used to think that Obama was the Antichrist, but in his last year in office he seems to have found the Lord. It’s a great day. SEC! SEC! SEC!”

God Condemns Judge Roy Moore To Burn In Hell

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PEARLY GATES, HEAVEN (CT&P) – God paused outside the Pearly Gates this morning long enough to tell reporters that he had decided to let Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore’s soul “burn in hell for all of eternity.”

“I usually reserve judgement on a soul until the human in question assumes room temperature,” said God, “but in Judge Moore’s case I wanted to set an example for all those other cretins down there on earth who think they know what the hell I’m thinking.”

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God advised the residents of Alabama to throw Moore off the court and into a mental institution before he has to take action they will regret.

Because of his recent decisions and orders to probate judges around the state concerning gay marriage, Judge Moore has once again made Alabama the laughingstock of the United States.

In an apparent effort to compound the damage to Alabama’s reputation, Moore appeared on CNN and told “New Day’ host Chris Cuomo that he doesn’t believe the U.S. Supreme Court has the right to “invent a definition of marriage,” that would lead to same-sex marriage being the law of the land because the rights Americans enjoy come from God.

“You are putting God before the laws of man. That’s not what we do in this country. That’s not how it works,” Cuomo countered.

When pressed by Cuomo over why he ordered probate judges in the state not to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples, Moore responded, “I had to do this…. “This is not about racial discrimination, it’s about sexual preference overcoming an institution which has existed in our state, in our United States for centuries and I think it’s wrong.”

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God also condemned Pike County Probate Judge Wes Allen to spend eternity in a fiery lake of burning sulphur. “That sniveling little pussy couldn’t find his ass with both hands,” said God. “He deserves to go to hell over his haircut alone. What an idiot.”

Cuomo responded by asking Moore if he had ever had a brain scan to determine if he had a tumor in his prefrontal cortex.

“Listen Chris, no one knows better than me what God wants and I’ll be damned if federal law is going to take precedence over my wisdom,” said Moore.

“This is just the kind of pompous asshole who deserves to be entertained by Lucifer until the stars burn out,” said God after a reporter told him about the interview.

“Article VI, paragraph 2 of the U.S. Constitution, commonly known as the Supremacy Clause, clearly establishes that the federal constitution, and federal law generally, takes precedence over state laws and constitutions,” said the Supreme Being.

“You idiots fought a bloody civil war over this very thing only 150 years ago. You would think that a state supreme court judge would know all this, but Moore is either a psychotic religious freak or a complete dumb ass.”

“Either way, the son of bitch is gonna burn,” chuckled God.

Madison Alabama Cops To Investigate Madison Alabama Cops

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HUNTSVILLE, ALABAMA (CT&P) – At a press conference early this morning, Captain John “Billy Club” Stringer of the Madison, Alabama Police Department announced that there would be a “thorough investigation” of an incident last week that left a 57 year old grandfather in hospital with temporary paralysis. The granddad was visiting his family from India.

“He was just walking on the sidewalk as he does all the time,” said his son, Chirag Patel, this morning. “They put him to the ground, even though no crime had been committed. The officers later told me that they suspected him of ‘walking while brown in a predominately white neighborhood.'”

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Captain Stringer promised a thorough and unbiased secret internal investigation of the cops he has worked side-by-side with for years. “No way they should have let that towel head survive to testify,” said Stringer.

Walking while brown can get you into a lot of trouble in Madison and other Alabama towns, especially when the perpetrator is a damn foreigner or, God forbid, gay.

Captain Stringer made it clear that the cops would get to the bottom of their fellow cops’ actions as soon as possible.

“We want this investigation to be totally fair and transparent,” said Captain Stringer. “We are here to protect and serve the white population of Madison and we certainly don’t want to do anything to betray the trust we have built up with our white residents, so the public can rest assured that we will spend a great deal of time pretending to do the right thing.”

Stringer said that the names of the officers involved in the brutal and unnecessary treatment would be kept secret, as will all details of the investigation.

“We don’t need a bunch of dumb ass civilians poking around in police business,” said Stringer, “and we really don’t give a fuck what they think anyway. I think the main thing here is to determine just how this subhuman brown-skinned foreigner managed to get out of this thing alive. We may need to lower our threshold when it comes to the use of deadly force.”

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Cops in Alabama have a long history of treating everyone fairly, as long as the suspects are not black, brown, yellow, Hispanic, hippies, liberals, atheists, or homosexuals.

Chirag Patel, the son of the victim, an engineer for one of the many government contractors in Huntsville, said he had just bought a one-way ticket for his father, bringing him from the small Indian town of Pij to his new home in fast-growing suburbs of Madison.

“I wanted Dad to see first hand what a great and progressive state Alabama actually is,” said Patel. “Unfortunately things just did not work out that way.”

Mr. Patel told the Huntsville Times that the family is packing up and plans to “get the fuck out of here” as soon as possible.

“I think we will be returning to India as soon as possible,” said Patel. “At least over there we don’t pretend to offer every citizen equal rights. Over there everyone knows exactly where he stands.”

Alabama To Reconsider Sharia Law

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MONTGOMERY, ALABAMA (CT&P) – A group of Alabama state senators backed by religious zealot Judge Roy Moore and unhinged racist congressman Mo Brooks (R-AL) have introduced a bill in the Alabama legislature that would effectively overturn a November ballot initiative that banned Sharia law from being used in Alabama’s court system. The November initiative was passed by an overwhelming majority of 72% of voters.

Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa), the idiot who introduced the original amendment, told the Birmingham News that recent events have caused him to change his mind about the ballot initiative. “The decision by a federal court judge to overturn our ban on gay marriage, and the horrible measles outbreak across our dear country have made me think that we may have been a bit too hasty,” said the imbecile from Tuscaloosa.

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State Senator Gerald Allen (R-Tuscaloosa) is one of the most conservative members of Congress. He is also a passionate xenophobe who wears his feelings on his forehead.

“Judge Moore and Representative Brooks have convinced me and several other senators to introduce the ‘Sharia Ain’t So Bad’ bill early next month,” said Allen. “The bill will overturn the ballot initiative and introduce our own version of Sharia into the court system, although our version will be called Chriria, and will be based on the Bible instead of the Quran.”

Judge Moore, famous for his religious zealotry that most Americans thought we left behind in the Middle Ages, set up a series of meetings with the senators when it became apparent that the federal government was going to attempt to drag Alabama kicking and screaming into the 21st century.

“If we allow these fags and lesbians to marry, it will be the end of the world as we know it and God will take back the coal, deer, and other natural resources that he bestowed upon us at the Creation,” said the sexually insecure homophobe.

Representative Mo Brooks joined the fray because he is convinced that the measles outbreak has been caused by illegal dingoes crossing the U.S.-Mexico border. The dingoes in question are said to be seeking political asylum after years of oppression in Australia.  The wacked-out right-wing kook is also against abortion in any form and thinks that stem cell research is the work of Satan.

“Chriria law will help us keep subhuman Central American kids and diseased dingoes out of America,” said the bigoted freak from the 5th District. It’ll also help us to keep women where they belong, in the bed or in the kitchen.”

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Judge Moore argued that many Alabama residents have been complying with Sharia law for decades.

Senator Allen told the Montgomery Advertiser that in the end it was a pretty easy decision to introduce the bill.

“When we all sat down and really thought about it, we decided that we really have a lot in common with those Islamic savages from the 7th century. We both think women are our property, we both think that a nation should be governed by a set of archaic religious laws, and of course we both fear homosexuals and think they should be thrown onto concrete from a great height.”

As of yet there are no polls to indicate how the residents of Alabama will respond to the flip-flop, but most pundits think that as long as the politicians say that the new law is based on the Bible, it will pass without too much trouble.

“You can convince these idiots to pass just about anything if you say that Jesus wants them too,” chuckled Senator Allen.

On another note, Alabama is currently ranked third behind Florida and Texas as the most idiotic state in the Union, but it appears to be rapidly gaining ground.

“In recent years Florida and Texas have really been kicking our ass,” said Alabama Governor Robert Bentley. “But it is my sincere hope that the recent actions of Judge Moore, Representative Brooks, and Senator Allen will boost us back to our rightful position as laughingstock of the entire country.”