Aviation Update: Fucking F-35 Can’t Fucking Run On Fucking Warm Fuel

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – According to sources within the Pentagon, it has been discovered that the vaunted F-35 Joint Strike Fighter is unable to use fuel from standard green colored USAF fuel trucks if they have been sitting in the sun for any period of time, because the fuel is too warm. Considering that these jets will most likely find themselves operating in the desert or in somewhere in the scorching Pacific, this is a big problem.

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Pentagon officials hope that someday the F-35 will be able to fire its cannon and fly right-side-up.

The F-35 fuel temperature problem is only the latest in a long line of “teething issues” to befall the trillion-dollar machine.

The fighter has had a litany of roll-out problems such as its inability to fire its cannon until sometime in 2018, a tendency for the aircraft to fly upside down, and a propensity for the computer system to completely shutdown at any time for no apparent reason. Some pilots have also reported that communication systems aboard the aircraft automatically tune into easy listening radio stations when the craft is flown near large cities.

Pentagon officials are currently scrambling to come up with a fix for the fuel issue, but in the meantime maintenance crews at various air force bases are being forced to take matters into their own hands.

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Ground crews usually draw lots to see who is going to connect the hose to F-35’s because of the plane’s tendency to explode while being fueled.

“We painted the refuelers white to reduce the temperature of fuel being delivered to the F-35 Lightning II joint strike fighter,” said Senior Airman Jacob Hartman, 56th LRS fuels distribution operator at Luke AFB in Glendale, Arizona. “The F-35 has a fuel temperature threshold and may not function properly if the fuel temperature is too high, so after collaborating with other bases and receiving waiver approval from AETC, we painted the tanks white.”

“It’s a real pain in the butt and unnerving as well,” continued Hartman. “In the unlikely event that any of these flying garbage bins makes it to front-line duty someday, who the hell wants to be driving around in a giant bomb painted bright white? We might as well paint a fucking bull’s eye on the trucks.”

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General Turgidson told CNN that regardless of whether the F-35’s ever gets off the ground, he thinks they are cool as shit and worth every penny.

Pentagon experts are wary of trying to correct the problem on the aircraft itself, because every time someone fiddles with any of the plane’s systems, something else goes to shit. So different ways of keeping the fuel cool are being bandied about.

When interviewed by CNN, air force General Buck Turgidson, who is in charge of the F-35 program, said that “Right now we’re considering converting a fleet of ice cream trucks into tankers that could service the plane. But in the long run, we think we can convince Congress to build about 2500 giant refrigerated warehouses in ‘hot spots’ all around the globe and park the refueling trucks inside those. It would cost millions of dollars, but hell, those suckers give us every cent we ask for anyway.”

 

 

Cuban Air Force Spad Shoots Down F-35 Over Gulf Of Mexico

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SANTA ROSA BEACH, CRETONIA (CT&P) – An F-35 Lightning Joint Strike Fighter has been shot down over the Gulf of Mexico by an ancient Cuban Air Force biplane, according to a U.S. Air Force spokesman. The fighter was on a test flight out of Homestead Air Force Base in Lower Cretonia.

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A Pentagon spokesperson told CT&P reporter Vince Snetterton-Lewis that “the F-35 promises to be one kick-ass airplane if we can ever get the thing to fly right-side-up.”

Officials say that the F-35 was having difficulties maintaining level flight, altitude, and direction among other problems. It apparently strayed into Cuban airspace and the Cuban Air Force scrambled a pair of World War I era Spad biplanes to intercept it.

The pilot of the F-35, Benny “Foolhardy” Farris, radioed Homestead that he was “gonna try to get this 135 million dollar piece of shit back into international airspace before all hell breaks loose.”

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The F-35 program has experienced a few minor setbacks

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U.S. Air Force General Buck Churcheson insists that with the proper funding the F-35 will be fully operational by the year 2025

According to radar tracking stations in Miami, Farris did manage to get out of Cuban airspace and back out over the Gulf before the Spads caught up with him. Although the F-35 had a huge speed advantage over the Spads, Farris was forced to fly in lazy circles and take an erratic up and down flight path just to keep the jet in the air, which allowed the slower aircraft to catch up.

As the Spads approached, Farris radioed that he was deploying the giant no más” banner that Lockheed added to the plane’s systems when it became apparent that early production models of the plane were virtually useless in air-to-air combat.

However, the Cuban pilots ignored Farris’ attempt at surrender and blasted the F-35 with Gatling guns purchased as surplus from the British government after the Zulu War of 1879. The stricken plane quickly lost power and plummeted into the sea.

Farris punched out and safely made it to the surface of the Gulf where he was devoured by man-eating sharks already agitated by programming they saw on the Discovery Channel this week.

U.S. Air Force sources have not announced when another test flight will be conducted but it promises to be a wildly entertaining event.

The F-35 program, plagued by cost overruns and multiple groundings, is the most expensive weapons program in history. The GAO estimated the program will cost $12.6 billion a year on average through 2037 — that’s an average of about $1.4 million an hour for the next two and a half decades.

In addition, when asked just who we will be using these jets against, air force generals and politicians alike have so far been unable to come up with a viable enemy.