McDonald’s Ushers In The Apocalypse By Offering All-Day Breakfast

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OAK BROOK, IL – (CT&P) – Television evangelist and walking fossil Pat Robertson warned his viewers this morning that McDonald’s decision to offer its breakfast menu all day long is likely to precipitate the End Times.

“This decision, when combined with the upcoming blood moon, fulfills the ancient Biblical prophecies that warn of the Apocalypse,” said a trembling Robertson. “We’re all fucking doomed.”

The decision to offer breakfast all day means McDonald’s is embarking on its biggest operational change in years. All of its more than 14,300 U.S. restaurants will be effected.

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For years Robertson has blamed his chronic constipation on a three-per-day Filet-O-Fish habit.

The move to all-day breakfast, which McDonald’s has been testing since March and will start Oct. 6, was approved in a vote by franchisees last week and affirmed Tuesday by a franchisee leadership council, the company said.

The expansion marks the latest initiative under Chief Executive Steve Easterbrook, who took over on March 1 vowing to revamp the burger giant’s stale image and end a sales slump in the U.S. that began nearly three years ago.

McDonald’s customers for years have asked the company to sell breakfast items past the traditional 10:30 a.m. cutoff, but the challenges of cooking Egg McMuffins alongside Big Macs deterred the company. In an interview, McDonald’s USA President Mike Andres said it is the biggest strategic move the company has made since it rolled out its McCafe line of coffee and espresso drinks across the U.S. in 2009.

However, Robertson warned that CEO Easterbrook, despite his name, is really the demon Asag in disguise.

“Asag is well-known to cause all forms of illness, including food poisoning,” said Robertson, as he chugged his morning prune juice cocktail.

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McDonalds CEO Steve Easterbrook told CNN that the all day breakfast menu was a marketing decision and had nothing to do with precipitating hell on earth. “This is a decision meant to help our bottom line, and if it triggers the return of Jesus, well then I’m prepared to offer him free Egg McMuffins for the duration of the Last Days,” said Easterbrook.

“McDonald’s is making this change as the moon turns blood-red for the fourth time in 18 months, signaling the completion of the tetrad and doom for this planet. I hope that every God-fearing American will boycott McDonalds and swing by a Chick-fil-A drive-thru instead. Remember, God hates fags, and so does Chick-fil-A.”

Meanwhile at a press conference this morning Andres explained that offering an all day breakfast menu had nothing whatsoever to do with the Apocalypse.

“Pat Robertson is a fucking kook, and anyone who listens to him is an idiot,” said Andres. “Hell, I wish we could just go on TV and beg for money in the name of Jesus, but we don’t have a fucking tax exemption like that asshole.”

“This is the consumers’ idea. This is what they want us to do,” Mr. Andres said. “That’s why I think this could be the catalyst for our turnaround.”

 

In response to Andres remarks, Robertson told Fox News that “the man was possessed by Baal” and had no clue what he was talking about.

Pat Robertson Warns Viewers: “Upcoming Eclipse Is A Clear Sign From God”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.

The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.

For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.

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A constipated Reverend Robertson is seen here praying for America to repent so it can survive God’s wrath over renewable energy sources.

Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.

Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.

Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.

In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”

“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”

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The staff of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky have been instructed to tell visitors this week that eclipses never happened before the moon was created a mere 200 years ago.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”

Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”

During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.

As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”

Dr. Phil Robertson And His Team Of Cretins Achieve Medical Research Breakthrough

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Medical researcher and well-known intellectual Dr. Phil Robertson announced an earth-shattering breakthrough made by his research team regarding the root causes of just about every disease that has plagued mankind since we were created a mere 6,000 years ago.

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Dr Robertson spoke with Perkins from his research facility located in a fetid swamp in Louisiana. It was formerly a hideout for Nazi physicians fleeing Europe in route to South America after WWII

The Duck Dynasty star thinks AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases are God’s punishment for immoral behavior such as ones that aren’t “one man one woman,” he said in a recent interview.

While promoting his new book unPHILtered: The Way I See It, Robertson spoke at length about what he called the “physiological downside to immorality” in an interview with Family Research Council president Tony Perkins’ radio program Washington Watch last week.

Robertson spoke to Perkins from his research facility located in a broken-down wooden shack located in the rapidly sinking fetid swamps of southern Louisiana.

“I mean, a great question to ask is ‘Why is it that all of these just—is this coincidental that viewing all of the immoral conduct that America now is participating in, I’ve asked a lot of people, Do you think it’s a coincidence that all of these debilitating — and literally, it can cause death — diseases follow that kind of conduct?” Robertson said.

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No stranger to controversy, Robertson has come under fire for some of his idiotic statements made during radio interviews in the past

“God says, ‘One woman, one man,’ and everybody says, ‘Oh, that’s old hat, that’s that old Bible stuff’ and I’m thinking well, let’s see now. A clean guy, a disease-free guy, and a disease-free woman, they marry and they keep their sex between the two of ‘em, uh, they’re not gonna get chlamydia and gonorrhea and syphilis and AIDS. It’s, it’s safe.”

Robertson concluded that such diseases from such behaviors are punishment from God.

“Now to me either it’s the wildest coincidence ever that horrible diseases follow immoral conduct,” he said, “or it’s God saying, ‘There’s a penalty for that kind of conduct.’ I’m leanin’ toward there’s a penalty toward it.”

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Robertson believes in a strict interpretation of Genesis, and thinks men once walked with the dinosaurs. He is a founding member of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in the backwoods of Kentucky

But Robertson did not stop there. He informed Perkins that just about every disease on earth was a punishment from God for some sort of sin or affront to the all-powerful, all-knowing, all-loving, and apparently bloodthirsty and savage deity.

“Polio is God’s punishment for too many organized sporting events,” said Robertson. “Melanoma is his punishment for Louis Réard’s invention of the bikini, and strokes are the direct result of reading too many books other than the Bible, and getting too smart.”

Robertson also said that irritable bowel syndrome could be linked to watching ungodly shows on television, and one should stick strictly to Fox News or faith-based programming such as Duck Dynasty or the The 700 Club.

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Although Robertson remains wildly popular with the intellectually underpowered crowd, he is not without his critics

Robertson told Perkins that all of these diseases could be cured by prayer and living a godly life.

“Doctors, hospitals, and medical research are all just a waste of time,” said Robertson. “If one wants to lead a long, healthy life, all you have to do is pray and spend an inordinate amount of time and money on the church of your choice, as long as it is one that I approve of.”

“Obamacare is definitely the work of Satan,” said Robertson. “We’re just wasting a bunch of money on poor people who could lead happy and healthy lives as long as they just stick to a set of rules and regulations laid down thousands of years ago by people who knew the value of stoning fags to death in the village square.”

Robertson closed by giving some advice to young people trying to make that all important decision that we all make at some point in our lives, namely, “Am I attracted to men or women?”

“So, you read in the Bible, you say well let’s see, ‘Well, it’s one man, one woman,’” he said. “Any logical person would say, what the guy is sayin’ is, that’d be me, is that if you wanna be safe from a lot of debilitating diseases, that’s the route to go. And it agrees with what God says so it’s just one argument after another, Tony, but what can I say all you can do is just show ‘em that and say, ‘Man, we ought to think about this Jesus stuff.’”

ROBERTSON GONE WILD!

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Viewers of the “700 Club” were somewhat taken aback yesterday when host and dangerously unhinged televangelist Pat Robertson began channeling some weird fusion of Thomas Aquinas, the Marquis de Sade, and Dr. Ruth in response to a viewer’s letter regarding a spousal relationship.

After listening to a letter from a female viewer detailing her husband’s habit of wanting outsize credit whenever he washes a dish or sweeps the floor, Robertson told the letter writer that she needs to “understand the male psyche.”

“The male wants to do something for his wife; he wants to provide for his family,” Robertson explained. “And when he cleans up, he’s saying, ‘I love you.’ That is his way of saying to you, ‘I love you.’ And you’ve got to understand that’s what it is … and you are supposed to say to him, ‘Darling, you are wonderful and I love you, too.’”

Up until this point Robertson seemed to be on pretty firm ground, which is unusual for Pat, but then things turned a little weird.

Robertson then suggested what a good wife should really do when a husband chips in on the household chores. “With each dish he’s saying, ‘I love you,’” Robertson said, “and if you understood that and you say, ‘Darling, I got a treat for you … wait ’til we get behind closed doors and you’ll see the treat I have for you’” then, presumably, good things will happen.

Robertson continued, “For example, if your husband cleans the table and washes the dishes after a meal, I think that is probably worth some exciting oral sex later on that evening. If your husband vacuums the entire house and takes the garbage out after he gets home from work, then I think oral sex plus intercourse is definitely in order. Now, if your husband forgoes his normal weekend golf outing with the boys in order to mow the grass and work around the home, then a good wife should treat him to a 48 hour sexual marathon complete with sexy lingerie, whips, and maybe  a vibrating tofu butt plug coated with hot Cambodian fish sauce.”

A clearly mortified Terry Meeuwson (Pat’s unfortunate but no doubt well paid co-host) tried to rein the Right Reverend Robertson in by saying, “Wait a minute Pat, it sounds to me like you’re suggesting that women fulfill the role of prostitute for their husbands as well as bearing children and keeping a good Christian household.”

“You’re damn right that’s what I’m saying Terry,” replied Pat, who suddenly began speaking with an accent normally reserved for South American soccer announcers.

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Robertson told viewers that one way to “spice up” your spousal relationship is to include the family pet in the fun.

“The Bible says that women, being the weaker vessel, should obey their husbands and try their best to make them happy, and we all know what husbands want: sex, sex, and more sex! Wives should really investigate new and exotic ways to please their husbands. Just think of female self-debasement and sexual slavery as keys to a long and successful marriage!”

Meeuwson then tried to go  to a commercial break but Pat was on a roll since he had a new book to promote.

Robertson waved off his co-host and continued, “I have written a new book on the subject which covers all the pertinent material including positioning, bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism, wife swapping, and dozens of other helpful ideas for today’s modern wife. It’s titled Pat’s Guide To Whoring Within A Loving Christian Marriage, and it’ll hit the bookshelves on July 4th, just in time for your family vacation!”

At this point the show hit a hard break and Pat was thankfully taken off the air.

Pat never got another opportunity to plug the book because after commercial he got sidetracked with his ongoing feud with fellow insane person and huckster Ken Ham over the age of the earth. However, media talking heads predict that Robertson’s new book will be a successful follow-up to his other bestsellers Pat’s Guide To Interplanetary Collisions, Pat’s Guide To Christian Nudist Camps In The Southeastern United States, Pat’s Guide To Preventing Earthquakes And Tsunamis Through The Power Of Prayer, and his lone  novel published just last year, The Pious Dominatrix.

Jesus And Satan Distance Themselves From Pat Robertson And Christian Right

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GENEVA-At a press conference held this morning in neutral Switzerland, the Prince of Darkness and the Prince of Peace hastened to distance themselves from televangelist and right-wing kook Pat Robertson. Robertson’s unhinged tirade on his “700 Club” broadcast last week seems to have triggered the unprecedented joint press conference.

“We’re used to Pat foaming at the mouth and blaming every conceivable tragedy on us,” said Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar. “What made this time different was that Robertson managed to insult the leaders of both major religions as well as every sentient being in this galaxy with an IQ over 50.”

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Archangel Gabriel, one of Christ’s political advisors, suggested that Robertson may have suffered a stroke during the broadcast which could account for his irrational outburst

Robertson, winner of the coveted “Bigot of the Year Award” for 2013, went berserk on his show last Wednesday, ranting about Jesus having a part-time job in a bakery and recalling the “good old days” when gay people were stoned to death in the town square. Robertson informed his mainly elderly and infirm viewers that back in the “Golden Age” if “two men decided they wanted to cohabit together they would have been stoned to death.”

Robertson went on to rave, “So Jesus would not have baked them a wedding cake or nor would he have made them a bed to sleep in because they wouldn’t have been there.” Robertson went on to lament the current state of affairs in the United States where stoning is unfortunately against the law. “We don’t have that in this country so that’s the way it is.” Robertson wiped a tear from his eye before continuing; “homosexuality is a meaningless exercise because it doesn’t go anywhere.” At this point Phil Robertson (no biologic relation but a brother in hatred) of Duck Dynasty fame and a guest on the show, interjected: “Yeah Pat, that’s right! Besides, women have so much more to offer ‘down there.'”

Robertson was not finished, however. He went on to insult Lucifer, Lord of the Underworld, by stating “The Devil is trying to say, ‘I’m going to destroy your progeny any way I can. If you kill your babies, that’s fine. If you deny the chance of having babies (by being homosexual) then that’s fine too.'”

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Lucifer appeared in one of his less threatening guises in order to stress his cooperative nature

The leaders of the two major religious organizations in the known universe found Robertson’s tirade a little over the top and decided to hold the presser in order to make their positions clear.

A coin was flipped and Jesus won, so he went first.

“I just wanted to make it clear that all humans are equal in my eyes. Everyone is welcome regardless of race, creed, color, or sexual preference, and I’m really am tired of having to take so many antacids to fight off the nausea caused by ignorant and hateful statements made in my name. And another thing: I am a carpenter, not a freaking baker. I’d be lost in a bakery. I have absolutely no clue how to bake a wedding cake, for Heaven’s sake.”

Mephistopheles then approached the lectern to enthusiastic applause from the representatives of the press. He began: “Thanks guys! I just want to say that all this whining about not wanting folks to reproduce is a bunch of horse shit. I love kids and I really love the process that spawns them. Have you guys seen my new monument in  Oklahoma City? It’s one of the few child-friendly monuments in the United States. In fact, that “suffer the little children” line in the New Testament was originally mine. Matthew was always screwing up his quotes and attributions. The guy was a tax-collector for God’s sake, not a Jewish version of Homer.”

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The two charismatic leaders seemed happy to see each other in person and made time for a little male bonding

At this point Jesus interrupted and said, “OK, let’s stay on track here Lou. What both of us would like to make clear is that there is no room for intolerance in either the Divine or Satanic Parties. We don’t countenance bigotry or hatred in any of its myriad forms. Neither one of us could really give a damn what goes on in anyone’s bedroom. Marry who you want to. Just treat your partner with respect, that’s all we’re saying.”

“That’s right,” said the Devil. Prejudice and tribalism are downright counterproductive. We all have to live in this neck of the firmament, so why can’t we all just get along?”

The press conference ended with the two leaders shaking hands and promising a new era of bipartisanship between the parties.