‘Last Stop Burgers And Bullets’ Now Selling Franchises Around The Southeast

Shooting instructor Charles Vacca stands next to a 9-year-old girl at the Last Stop shooting range in White Hills

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Founder and CEO of Last Stop Burgers and Bullets, General Jack D. Ripper USAF (Ret), announced yesterday that the combo burger joint and machine gun firing range has sold its first franchise to a venture capital group in Atlanta, Georgia.


General Ripper spoke to journalists by phone from his luxurious bunker located deep below the surface of the Nevada desert

“We are pleased to announce that Bad Idea Enterprises of Buckhead have bought the rights for three new locations with an option for three more,” said General Ripper. “We believe that our precious 2nd Amendment rights should be exercised by citizens of all ages, and our new franchises will be even more ‘kid friendly’ than our original location in White Hills.”

Arnold Schmuckenstein, CEO of Bad Idea, agrees: “We want to encourage children and old folks alike to visit our new facility just outside the entrance to Six Flags Over Georgia,” said Schmuckenstein. “We are adding some new attractions, like a quad .50 caliber machine gun mounted on a pickup truck and a vintage WWII Katyusha rocket launcher!”


General Ripper demonstrated via video link one of Last Stand’s new attractions, a vintage Browning .30 caliber machine gun that has been modified for easy use by children as young a six years old

“We have special programs for children, so kids as young as two years old can play with fully automatic assault weapons loaded with rubber bullets,” Schmuckenstein said. “You really can’t start too early teaching kids about firearms. You never know when ISIS might be marching up Peachtree Street and we need to defend ourselves.”


“You must be this tall to fire the RPG.” General Ripper emphasized that he had made extensive safety overhauls before selling the new franchises

Bad Idea also has gone out of its way to make firearms training available to the disabled.

“We have a community outreach program in which we will be providing free live fire sessions for the blind and those unfortunate individuals with advanced Parkinson’s Disease,” said Schmuckenstein.

“We are also producing 50,000 Cd’s and DVDs featuring recent exchanges of machine gun and rocket fire in the Gaza Strip that will be given free of charge to new moms so they can play them 24/7 in their infant’s nurseries. When my kid Kevin was just a baby I played recordings of creeping artillery barrages to him every night. You would not believe the calming effect it had on him. Now he hopes to pass the five-minute exam and become one of our first instructors.”

Although many have questioned the wisdom of expanding what has proved to be a highly dangerous enterprise, General Ripper told reporters he was not worried at all.


Executive Vice President of the NRA Wayne LaPierre is also considering buying a Last Stand franchise for the D.C. area. “Kids deserve to exercise their 2nd Amendment rights just as much as we adults,” said LaPierre. “I mean honestly, what could go wrong?”

“Every business at one time or another suffers casualties. We had one unfortunate incident in which an instructor had his head blown off by a 9-year-old girl with an Uzi. These kind of industrial accidents happen all the time. It’s not fair to condemn a whole program just because of one little slip-up. I’m not saying there won’t be fatalities, but what I am saying is no more than 10 to 20 million killed, tops!”

The introduction of Last Stand into the Atlanta metro area has not gone unnoticed, however.

Founder and CEO of Waffle House Joe Rodgers spoke to Fox News’ Neal Cavuto yesterday and said, “We at Waffle House are not going to take this competition lying down. We intend to add firing ranges to all our locations around the country, so our drunken customers will have a safe area to blow off steam in the wee hours of the morning. We’ve had the corner on the unhealthy food/senseless gunshot wound market for years now and we won’t give it up without a fight!”









FAA Bans Flights Into Houston After Open Carry Texas Takes Delivery On Russian Buk Missile System


After passing through customs in New Orleans, the few members of the organization who had valid licenses took turns driving the vehicle to the Texas Gulf Coast where it was test fired


THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – The FAA has banned all flights into and out of Houston’s Hobby and Bush Intercontinental Airports, citing the presence of dangerous Russian-made anti-aircraft missile batteries in the general area.


The president of Open Carry Texas, C. J. “Small Schlong” Grisham, (seen here relaxing in his bunker) told Fox News that the new missile system would not be used until the outbreak of the inevitable race war in America, or if it became apparent that refugee kids were catching flights into the U.S. via Mexico City.

The airspace in Houston extending out up to 100 miles was closed yesterday after authorities were informed that the pro 2nd Amendment group “Open Carry Texas,” better known to the rest of the country as “A Confederacy of Dunces,” had acquired a Russian army surplus Buk missile system and it had been driven to the nearby Gulf Coast for “testing and training.”

“We’ve all seen what one of these missile systems can do when in the hands of a bunch of drunken Russian rednecks,” said a spokesman for the FAA. “We see no reason to believe that the outcome would be any different when the system is manned by a bunch of our very own drunken rednecks. We decided to err on the side of caution, and we apologize for any inconvenience to air travelers,” said the spokesman.


A crack team of professionals from Open Carry are testing and training on the new air-defense system

During an appearance on the Sean Hannity Show, the president of Open Carry Texas, C.J. “Small Schlong” Grisham protested that Open Carry Texas was a peaceful organization dedicated to the “exercise and protection of our 2nd Amendment rights, rights that are in danger of being revoked by the Obama administration and the worldwide conspiracy to sap and impurify our precious bodily fluids through the heinous use of flouride in our nation’s water supply.”

“It’s only a matter of time before we see foreigners in blue helmets marching up Pennsylvania Avenue,” said Grisham, as he chugged a glass of refreshing rainwater and pure grain alcohol.


The team of simpletons from Open Carry conducted tests of the system on a public beach packed with vacationing families

Testing of the new system went ahead without the benefit of a team of Russian instructors sent by the Putin administration. The Russian advisers, who had the formidable task of training a bunch of borderline imbeciles to operate an advanced air-defense system, were detained after trashing a bar at the Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport.

The Russian team apparently got out of control after imbibing an entire case of Don Cossack Vodka.

“Them Russkies sure know how to party!” said Daisy Airhead, a barmaid at the Drunken Bull Cattle Company on the international concourse. “They was taking off their shirts and doing some kinda crazy dance on top of the bar and all the tables. They was jumpin’ up and down like Messican jumpin’ beans! One of them promised to marry me after they get out of jail. I can’t wait!”


Minuteman founder Jim “Shrunken Sack” Gilchrist is a strong supporter of the patriots at Open Carry and has offered his support for more arms acquisitions


Rosie “Hepatitis C” Gilchrist, Jim’s sister, is engaged to be married to Open Carry’s Grisham

After an arduous journey from New Orleans, the launcher was set up on a beach near Galveston Island and the completely ignorant and untrained personnel from Open Carry launched a few missiles “just for fun.”

The first missile took out a flight of endangered pelicans in route to nesting grounds further up the coast. Grisham justified the murder of the birds to Sean Hannity by saying, “Those pelicans were in fact cartel drug mules transporting heroin across the border in the pouches attached to their lower mandibles.”


Activities at the much-anticipated convention in Dallas will include mock lynchings and a gala barbecue and horseshoe contest on the “Grassy Knoll”

The gullible Hannity accepted the explanation but required clarification as to exactly what a “mandible” was.

The second missile loosed by the team of schmucks zoomed over the Gulf in an erratic flight that ended with a detonation over a British Petroleum oil platform, which was set ablaze.

A third missile misfired at first but then careened wildly down the beach taking out several vacationing families before exploding in a barbecue and salt-water taffy stand, causing massive loss of life.

The crack missile team lost one member when he was incinerated while urinating behind the vehicle during the launch sequence.

Although initial testing of their new toy has not turned out exactly as planned, Open Carry Texas hopes that the vehicle will be fully operational for this fall’s Conspiracy Theory Convention held annually at the Dallas Book Depository.

“We really look forward to displaying our extreme sexual insecurity and paranoid delusions at the upcoming national conference in Dallas,” said Grisham. We really want to show the rest of the country what patriotism and love of God and country is all about.”

When asked about the situation in Houston, NRA president Wayne LaPierre only shook his head, rolled his eyes, and slowly walked away from reporters while staring at the ground.