Weather Channel Warns Of Cannibalism In Wake Of Winter Storm

 

NEW YORK – The Weather Channel warned viewers in the Northeast this morning that Winter Storm Stella had the potential to transform areas from New York to Boston into a vast frozen wasteland reminiscent of scenes from the Pleistocene Epoch.

“I think everyone better be ready for at least a temporary return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” said meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was broadcasting from what appeared to be the median of a busy highway in New Jersey.

Cantore, an unhinged lunatic who regularly predicts the end of modern civilization during minor weather fluctuations, was jeered and taunted by passing motorists as he told viewers that wild animals were already devouring their young in an attempt to store fat in preparation for the deadly storm.

“Have you ever seen that flick The Day After Tomorrow?,” asked Cantore in a voice shaking with fear. “This is gonna be just like that. I’m advising those who can’t flee to the South to go buy everything they fucking can out of every grocery store on the east coast. Otherwise, I’m convinced we’ll be eating the dead.”

Although blizzard warnings have been issued for a part of the Northeast coast, including New York City, in advance of Winter Storm Stella, government officials in the area don’t think that this will be quite the cataclysm predicted by Cantore and his pals currently going fucking ape shit around the clock on national television.

New York Mayor Bill De Blasio told Fox News that snow totals of a foot or more could cause travel problems and some power outages, but the area would survive this storm as it has every other storm that has hit for the last 200 years.

“This is not some sort of crescendo of doom,” said De Blasio. Those idiots over at the Weather Channel are panicking like a Republican lost in a mixed-race neighborhood. We’ll be just fine.”

 

 

Weather Channel Hopeful Late Season Snowstorm Could Produce High Body Count

 

ATLANTA – Gleeful anchors at the Weather Channel are warning viewers from Western North Carolina all the way to the Northeast that their forecast for Winter Storm Stella indicates that it could bring death and destruction on a scale not seen since the last winter storm forecast they fucked up earlier in the year.

“The tables have turned on the Northeast after a very warm winter, but jack frost is about to get his revenge on the East Coast,” chuckled a delighted Tom Niziol, chief winter storm expert and doomsayer for the network.

“Winter Storm Stella will come in two parts. An initial disturbance in that jet stream will produce the stripe of snow through this weekend in the Midwest and South. However, a much sharper plunge of the jet by next week should spin up a strong low-pressure center off the East Coast, raising the potential of a nor’easter with heavy snow and wind for parts of the Northeast.

“If we’re lucky, this could mean a variety of emergency conditions in New England and its environs, which in turn could lead to numerous deaths among the elderly and the very young as power outages and stalled vehicles take their toll on human life,” said a grinning Niziol.

“We have high hopes for this one.”

 

 

North Korea Fires Four More Missiles Into The Fucking Ocean

 

TOKYO – North Korea fired four ballistic missiles early Monday morning in what Japan’s leader described as “an extremely dangerous action.”

A fifth missile failed to launch, a US official told CNN.
Military authorities in South Korea, Japan and the United States all confirmed the launch of four projectiles, which traveled almost 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) towards the Sea of Japan, also known as the East Sea. One US official said they were believed to be North Korea’s newest intermediate-range missiles, known as Long Schlong III’s.
Jeffrey Lewis, director of the US-based East Asia Nonproliferation Program, told CNN the North Koreans’ recent behavior was the sort “you see from a state that can’t find its ass with both hands.”
“They keep launching missiles into the fucking ocean,” said Lewis. “God knows what the fuck they’re aiming at. So far they’ve only proved they’re a threat to sea creatures or the occasional unlucky trawler.”
The launches were hailed as great achievements by North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un, who told the North Korea Central News Agency that “Test great success. We hit ocean. Many fish now dead.”
The North Korean government celebrated the successful launch by issuing 25 extra calories in the form of stale bread to every citizen not currently engaged in slave labor at one of the nation’s many concentration camps.
The crew of the missile that failed to launch will be executed later today.

The fallacy of the creationist distinction between micro- and macroevolution

Why Evolution Is True

I’ve belabored this issue before, but there’s always a new crop of readers who might need a lesson. I’m talking about a common creationist trope: the claim that microevolution can occur, usually defined as “evolution within a species” or “evolution within a kind” (whatever a “kind” is), but that macroevolution—seen as a transition from one “kind” to another—doesn’t occur. So antibiotic resistance in a bacterial species, or a change in coat color of a mouse, is fine, because that’s just “microevolutionary change”. Ditto with the evolution of different species of cats, which is simply microevolution within the “cat kind.” And ditto for the creation of different breeds of dogs by artificial selection: breeds so different that, if they were found as fossil skeletons, some would be seen not just as different species, but as different genera. Nevertheless, creationist see that as simply change within the canid “kind”, so that artificial…

View original post 384 more words

Latest Reports Reveal Russian Ambassador Showered Sessions With Gifts

sessions3

WASHINGTON – The Washington Post is reporting that after meetings with then Senator Jeff Sessions last summer, Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak showered the Trump surrogate with expensive gifts in an apparent attempt to curry favor with the Trump Campaign and potential 45th President of the United States.

According to the article in the Post, the gifts included but were not limited to an expensive top-of-the-line tricycle, a large jungle gym playset, an extra small Confederate uniform with a miniature battle flag, and a Shetland pony.

sessions4

According to the article in the Post, the gifts included an expensive tricycle and deluxe jungle gym for Sessions’ plantation in Alabama.

The article claims that Sessions did not report the gifts and should never have accepted them in the first place.

“If this is true Attorney General Sessions is in violation of senate rules,” said Johnny Isakson (R-GA), Chairman of the Senate Ethics Committee. “This is very serious.”

When reached for comment about the allegations, Attorney General Sessions denied that he had received any gifts from any Russian official, and had in fact never spoken to the Russian ambassador in his life.

“I wouldn’t recognize the Russian ambassador if I looked up at him from a foot away,” said the diminutive racist from Alabama.

sessions2

After Sessions denied the allegations made in the article, the Post published photographs of the Attorney General riding his new pony on a farm in Maryland.

“In fact, I’ve never spoken to anyone from Russia at all. I can’t even tell you where Russia is. I know Sarah Palin knows where it is; why don’t you go ask her about the Russian ambassador.”

Despite his denials, the Post is standing by its story, and released photographs of Sessions riding his new pony on a farm belonging to a Republican state senator from Maryland. There were also photos of the attorney general playing on his jungle gym with friends and riding his tricycle on the sidewalk outside a bar in Georgetown.

At a hurriedly called press conference this morning, Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer called for Sessions to resign.

“I don’t care how much fun the Attorney General is having with his new toys,” said a visibly irritated Schumer, “it’s his duty as an American citizen to resign and return those gifts.”

So far there has been no response from the Trump Administration to the disturbing new revelations.

White House Press Secretary Sean Sphincter told reporters that the President was far too busy finalizing plans to nuke Pyongyang to worry about any fucking Shetland ponies.

 

The Killings Times’ Quite Large 2017 Crime Drama Preview

The Killing Times

First LookRight, it’s back to business. We’ve had Sherlock to kick 2017 off in big, thrillery style and this week is jam-packed full of new crime dramas. But it’s not just this week that’s jam-packed with stuff, oh no. The whole bloody year looks as though it’ll be rammed with crime drama. So I’ve scoured the internet and asked some of my contacts for the lowdown on what we can expect. And what can we expect? Lots and lots and lots. You’ll find over 30 crime dramas over the jump, some with estimated transmission dates (don’t hold me to many of them, please) and the one thing you can say about 2017 is that there will be some HUGE – some of the genre’s real big hitters – making a return. Strap yourselves in because you may as well sack off family, friends any kind f social life you had planned.

View original post 4,065 more words

Fargo announces April transmission date; Channel 4 onboard for UK

The Killing Times

c5s42kzxaaqjzvbAs long-time readers of the site will know, Fargo is one of my favourite series. With Noah Hawley and a cast that includes Ewan McGregor (in two roles), David Thewlis, Carrie Coon and Mary Elizabeth Wanstead series three is really starting to gear up. It usually transmits around the end of the year, but this time around FX (the show’s US network) sprung a surprise yesterday – series three will air in the spring. This spring.

View original post 297 more words