NEW YORK – The Weather Channel warned viewers in the Northeast this morning that Winter Storm Stella had the potential to transform areas from New York to Boston into a vast frozen wasteland reminiscent of scenes from the Pleistocene Epoch.
“I think everyone better be ready for at least a temporary return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” said meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was broadcasting from what appeared to be the median of a busy highway in New Jersey.
Cantore, an unhinged lunatic who regularly predicts the end of modern civilization during minor weather fluctuations, was jeered and taunted by passing motorists as he told viewers that wild animals were already devouring their young in an attempt to store fat in preparation for the deadly storm.
“Have you ever seen that flick The Day After Tomorrow?,” asked Cantore in a voice shaking with fear. “This is gonna be just like that. I’m advising those who can’t flee to the South to go buy everything they fucking can out of every grocery store on the east coast. Otherwise, I’m convinced we’ll be eating the dead.”
Although blizzard warnings have been issued for a part of the Northeast coast, including New York City, in advance of Winter Storm Stella, government officials in the area don’t think that this will be quite the cataclysm predicted by Cantore and his pals currently going fucking ape shit around the clock on national television.
New York Mayor Bill De Blasio told Fox News that snow totals of a foot or more could cause travel problems and some power outages, but the area would survive this storm as it has every other storm that has hit for the last 200 years.
“This is not some sort of crescendo of doom,” said De Blasio. Those idiots over at the Weather Channel are panicking like a Republican lost in a mixed-race neighborhood. We’ll be just fine.”
ATLANTA – Gleeful anchors at the Weather Channel are warning viewers from Western North Carolina all the way to the Northeast that their forecast for Winter Storm Stella indicates that it could bring death and destruction on a scale not seen since the last winter storm forecast they fucked up earlier in the year.
“The tables have turned on the Northeast after a very warm winter, but jack frost is about to get his revenge on the East Coast,” chuckled a delighted Tom Niziol, chief winter storm expert and doomsayer for the network.
“Winter Storm Stella will come in two parts. An initial disturbance in that jet stream will produce the stripe of snow through this weekend in the Midwest and South. However, a much sharper plunge of the jet by next week should spin up a strong low-pressure center off the East Coast, raising the potential of a nor’easter with heavy snow and wind for parts of the Northeast.
“If we’re lucky, this could mean a variety of emergency conditions in New England and its environs, which in turn could lead to numerous deaths among the elderly and the very young as power outages and stalled vehicles take their toll on human life,” said a grinning Niziol.
“We have high hopes for this one.”
ATLANTA – Anchors at the Weather Channel are warning that thousands could still die as the result of Winter Storm Niko which is currently pounding the northeast.
Reporting from Pawtucket, Rhode Island, an area that was not getting any fucking snow at all at the time, anchor and Weather Channel resident lunatic Jim Cantore gleefully pointed out that thousands of people have been stranded by canceled flights, leaving them susceptible to frostbite, hypothermia, or instant death from the large number of lightning strikes accompanying this storm.
Although considered profoundly unhinged by many of his co-workers, a judge has determined that Cantore poses no threat to himself or others
“Just look at Connecticut! It’s saturated with lightning strikes! And there’s more to come!” yelled a maniacal Cantore, while pointing a three iron at the sky to emphasize his point.
Cantore advised everyone within 500 miles of New York city to cower indoors like rats in a burrow in order to avoid the elements and extend their lives for a few precious hours.
He advised residents of Manhattan to seek shelter in outdated, vermin-infested 1950’s era fallout shelters deep below ground.
“The worst is yet to come,” said a smiling Cantore, doing his best impression of the Abominable Dr. Phibes.
“I feel certain that we’re going to see the body count rise on this one.”
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Early this afternoon Weather Channel anchor and crazed lunatic Jim Cantore advised viewers in the southeastern United States to be sure that their wills were updated before Winter Storm Helena hits this evening.
“I can’t stress this enough: many of you people are fucking doomed,” said a gleeful Cantore.
“This storm packs quite a punch and it could be days for we dig out. If you’re old or infirm your best bet is to make sure your life insurance is paid up and your will is updated. You wouldn’t want your kids to have to pay to have you buried or cremated when the authorities finally find your decaying body, now would you?” said the maniacal meteorologist.
In 2005 Cantore refused to leave his bathtub for a week after some minor flooding along the Chattahoochee River failed to kill thousands as he had predicted.
This isn’t the first time Cantore has lost his small mind during an extreme weather event. In 2010 the foreboding forecaster was treated for scrotal frostbite after coming unhinged and stripping off all his clothing during a thundersnow event.
Cantore closed his segment by advising viewers that were already feeling a little post-holiday depression to go ahead an commit suicide now in order to avoid the pain involved in freezing to death or skidding under a tanker truck, causing it to explode and slowly burning alive.
MIAMI – (CT&P) – The latest computer models coming out of the National Hurricane Center in Miami are predicting that anchors and reporters for almost every cable outlet will remain hysterical until Hurricane Matthew deteriorates and heads out to sea.
NHC Director Rick Knabb told CNN’s Wolf Blitzer that computer modeling from almost every U.S. source predicted that anchors and reporters in the field would continue to overstate the danger and act as if the world was coming to an end at any minute.
“We expect the melodrama to hit a fever pitch sometime this afternoon or evening,” said a frustrated Knabb. “It would be helpful if these idiots would just report the fucking news and get on with it.
“Everyone on earth knows that trees and stop signs are going to sway during windy conditions. We don’t need Hollywood productions of palm fronds flying around parking lots and dim-witted reporters trying to talk during downpours.
“Telling us the number of residents without power really doesn’t help either,” continued Knabb. “If folks can’t do without power for a few days they don’t deserve to live anyway.”
Knabb concluded by saying that although American computer models have been accurate in predicting cable channel behavior in the past, European models have proved to be virtually useless because foreign programmers just don’t have the experience with morons on television like we do in the U.S.
ATLANTA – (CT&P) – During his 11 A.M. Hurricane Matthew update, Weather Channel anchor and resident village idiot Jim Cantore told viewers that although most of the Florida east coast had dodged a bullet, there was still ample time for the storm to swerve the west and completely destroy the Sunshine State.
“Catastrophe could strike any minute,” said a nervous Cantore, as a wind and rain machine pelted him with palm fronds and litter from a nearby McDonald’s dumpster. “This storm could take a left turn and churn across the Florida peninsula like an out of control rototiller, effectively turning the entire state into a large island devoid of any law and order.”
While Cantore seemed obsessed by the threat Matthew still posed to Florida, hurricane specialist Carl Parker stressed the danger that still looms over the Georgia and South Carolina coastlines.
“Millions could still die,” said a smiling Parker. “This storm could regain its intensity and hit the Georgia coastline, barrel all the way to Atlanta like a runaway train, and explode like a nuclear bomb. Or, it could skirt the coast until it reaches Charleston, turn out to sea, then reverse course and flatten the city like a fucking pancake. We just don’t know at this point.”
Other anchors and meteorologists pitched in with their own warnings saying that the storm could precipitate a nuclear winter, Biblical floods, or even a zombie apocalypse.
“We’re not out of the woods yet,” said the ubiquitous Sam Champion as he wandered around a Burger King parking covered in three inches of water, “this storm could still mean the end of mankind. Thanks a lot Obama!”
TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – At a press conference outside his bunker deep beneath the governor’s mansion, Florida Governor Rick Scott, surrounded by military and government officials who appeared to have been hypnotized, told reporters this morning that authorities were “hoping for the best while preparing for the worst” for the 113th time in less than 24 hours.
Pundits and pol watchers believe this sets a record for a governor saying the same fucking thing over and over again.
“We think this breaks the record set my Governor Brownback of Kansas when he said ‘a rising tide lifts all boats’ 75 times in just three days as the state’s economy went in the toilet,” said Chris Hayes of MSNBC.
“Tea Party governors in particular tend to repeat the same phrase or sentence over and over and over again in hopes that the populace is ignorant enough to buy the bullshit they’re selling.
“This situation is really not that different; Scott is trying to convince the residents of Florida that he has some grasp of what the fuck is going on, which has never been true.”