SEOUL – At a press conference in Pyongyang this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un threatened the Sea of Japan with more missile strikes if the body of water continued to allow U.S., Japanese, and South Korean warships to travel freely over its surface.
“If this cooperation continues the water will know our wrath,” said an agitated Kim. “Our missiles are being fueled and will be ready to strike anywhere we deem necessary in response to this aquatic aggression.”
As of this afternoon the Sea of Japan has not publicly responded to the threat.
Earlier this month North Korea fired four of its new Long Schlong III missiles into the middle of the fucking ocean in a show of force meant to discourage the Sea of Japan from cooperating with its enemies. A fifth missile failed to launch and its crew was executed the next day.
As of this afternoon there has been no response to the threat from the Sea of Japan, but South Korean officials stated that they weren’t particularly worried about the ravings of “that fat ass cheese-eating manchild” currently in charge of the rogue state to their north.
“They can’t aim worth a shit,” said Admiral Um Hyun-Seong, Chief of Naval Operations. “They’re just as likely to hit the South China Sea or the fucking Arctic Ocean when they launch those things. Fuck ’em.”
TOKYO – North Korea fired four ballistic missiles early Monday morning in what Japan’s leader described as “an extremely dangerous action.”
A fifth missile failed to launch, a US official told CNN.
Military authorities in South Korea, Japan and the United States all confirmed the launch of four projectiles, which traveled almost 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) towards the Sea of Japan, also known as the East Sea. One US official said they were believed to be North Korea’s newest intermediate-range missiles, known as Long Schlong III’s.
Jeffrey Lewis, director of the US-based East Asia Nonproliferation Program, told CNN the North Koreans’ recent behavior was the sort “you see from a state that can’t find its ass with both hands.”
“They keep launching missiles into the fucking ocean,” said Lewis. “God knows what the fuck they’re aiming at. So far they’ve only proved they’re a threat to sea creatures or the occasional unlucky trawler.”
The launches were hailed as great achievements by North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un, who told the North Korea Central News Agency that “Test great success. We hit ocean. Many fish now dead.”
The North Korean government celebrated the successful launch by issuing 25 extra calories in the form of stale bread to every citizen not currently engaged in slave labor at one of the nation’s many concentration camps.
The crew of the missile that failed to launch will be executed later today.
SEOUL – (CT&P) North Korea failed to launch two intermediate-range ballistic missiles on Thursday, the South Korean Defense Ministry said, adding to a string of unsuccessful weapons tests in the past two weeks.
The first attempted launch of the powerful Musudan missile crashed into the sea seconds after ignition. Hours after that attempt, North Korea fired another missile of the same type but that test also failed, the ministry said.
Thursday’s attempts bring the total failures in launching the Musudan — one of the North’s most powerful missiles deployed or under development — to three in the past two weeks, according to South Korean officials.
The successive failures are a potential embarrassment for North Korea’s obese and highly unstable leader, Kim Jong-un, just days before a rare congress of his ruling Workers’ Party, the North’s biggest political meeting in decades.
Pentagon officials said that the string of failures highlighted the fact that the North Koreans are a bunch of fucking morons that couldn’t find their asses with both hands.
USAF General Buck Turgidson told CNN that the North Koreans were “a race of idiots” who have trouble understanding how to operate a wheelbarrow properly, much less a rocket.
“You just can’t expect a bunch of ignorant peons to understand a machine like some of our boys can,” said Turgidson. “I really don’t understand why everyone is so worried about those people. Sure the Musudan is a powerful missile, but the biggest threat it poses is to the assholes who try to launch it. The last one spun around like a drunken sea-gull, crashed into the viewing stands, and killed over 100 North Korean generals. I mean fuck!”
Sources within the South Korean intelligence community say that North Korea is expected to try to launch another missile tomorrow after the proper number of army officers and technicians are eaten alive by ravenous Alsatians or executed with anti-aircraft artillery.