Governor Scott Calms Fears Of Nervous Floridians

 

TALLAHASSEE – Governor Rick Scott of Florida held a press conference this afternoon to assure his constituents that they would be protected from “storm vultures” in the aftermath of Irma, which is expected to give the entire peninsula a weather enema over the weekend.

Governor Scott is widely believed to be a direct descendant of Quetzalcoatl, the ancient Aztec snake god.

“I fought hard to prevent poor Floridians from obtaining life-saving health insurance when Obamacare was enacted, and by God I’m not going to let our citizens be taken advantage of by people coming in from out-of-state to do unlicensed repairs to homes or businesses!” said Scott, as he ate a late lunch of fried infant.

“Anyone coming into our great state with water, food, generators, battery-powered vibrators, or a skill set that might help and who doesn’t have the proper paperwork will be arrested and thrown in prison, unless they happen to be black, in which case they’ll be shot on sight.”

When asked how long the licensing process would take so the people of Florida could take advantage of the services of people from surrounding states, Scott bristled and his scales appeared to change color.

“As long as it takes to make sure we fuck up the less fortunate and the middle class,” said a clearly irritated Scott.

To his credit, Scott sacrificed dozens of migrant farm workers in an attempt to please the gods and change the track of the hurricane.

 

“I’m a Christian first and a Republican second, and that means money talks and bullshit walks. If anyone wants to make a sizable donation to one of my political action groups then we can talk. Otherwise he can file for the proper permits and wait until hell freezes over to sell goods and services to people who desperately want them.

“Fuck ’em!” screamed Scott, as his bare cranium began to sweat blood.

“People get the wrong impression about the GOP; we love government when it controls vaginas, black people, hard-working immigrants and people we don’t want to make money, so I’m telling anyone who wants to come in here from out-of-state to help and make a little cash in the process, think twice asshole!

 

“I’m the only one who is allowed to rip off innocent people in this state. Just ask the guys who prosecuted me for Medicare fraud.”

 

 

God ‘Sick And Tired’ Of Protecting Kid From Incompetent Mom

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PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – At press conference held early this morning just outside Heaven, God told reporters that he was “fed up” with protecting little Johnny Gregg from his moronic mother.

“I’m sick and fucking tired of having to follow this chick around making sure she doesn’t accidentally kill her little brat,” said a pissed-off Jehovah.

“Last week I caught her letting the hellion play on the rooftop of her eight story apartment complex. I had to cushion his fall or he would have ended up as a useless mass of protoplasm on the sidewalk. The week before that she accidentally threw him down the garbage chute along with nine empty boxes of bonbons and a stack of old National Enquirers.

“And what did she do this week?

“She takes the kid to the zoo and leaves him unsupervised while she goes off to buy some popcorn and cotton candy to shovel into her gullet, and while she’s washing it all down with a Big Gulp he falls into the fucking gorilla enclosure. This bitch has already cost the life of one endangered species. There’s no telling what she’ll do next. She’s a walking disaster area. This idiot and her spawn are taking up way too of much of my time.

“I’m telling you I’ve had it! From now on the rug rodent is on his own. It’s the law of the jungle for Little Johnny. I’ve got a universe to run.”

High School Commencement Speakers Tell Graduates They Actually Matter

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – A New York Times/SurveyMonkey Poll taken over the weekend has found that over 90% of commencement speakers at high school graduation ceremonies around the country this year told seniors that they actually matter and will make a difference in society.

In the survey, over 1000 commencement speakers were asked a variety of questions regarding the subject matter and overall tone of the speeches they gave.

“Frankly, we were shocked by what we found,” said Professor John Two Horns of SurveyMonkey.

“Almost every speaker we surveyed told graduating seniors that they were ‘the future of America,’ would ‘make a huge difference,’ and were ‘really important.’ We couldn’t find a single speaker that told these kids that their lives really didn’t matter one iota in the overall scheme of things. I mean, someday the sun will burn out and all traces of humanity will be gone. Why doesn’t someone tell them that? ”

“It’s as if these commencement speakers entered some alternate universe for an hour where facts and figures don’t matter,” said John Bigboote of the New York Times. “We don’t know what to make of it, other than they’re saying what the little cretins want to hear. I mean, it’s not as if they need their self-esteem pumped up any more; they’re already narcissistic little monsters anyway.”

Dr. John Mud Head of SurveyMonkey who managed the joint survey agreed.

“My kid just graduated a few years ago and it seemed like we were going to some fucking awards ceremony every other week and watching a soccer game every ten minutes,” said Dr. Mud Head. “It was pure hell. These kids have no idea what they’re in for, I can tell you that.”

Dr. Mud Head said that SurveyMonkey planned on conducting a follow-up survey of graduates ten years from now once they’ve found out that they’re not so fucking precious.

 

 

 

 

Hateful Religious Kook Condemns St Patrick’s Day As ‘Gay Holiday Sanctioned By Lucifer’

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DENVER – (CT&P) – Homophobic minister and all around despicable human being Kevin Swanson urged Christians across the United States not to celebrate St Patrick’s Day today because it has been taken over by forces sent from Lucifer himself.

Swanson spoke from his radio studio in Elizabeth, Colorado, where his show, World View of a Bigoted Hypocritical Religious Charlatan is featured on Generations of Assholes Radio.

“St Patrick’s Day has always been a problematic holiday because of its association with snakes,” said Swanson on his radio show. “Snakes are the agents of Satan, and they represent the male sexual organ, which should only be used when attempting reproduction in the dark within a good Christian marriage.

“As we have seen the homosexual conspiracy to take over this country grow and grow, St Patrick’s Day has become a time of celebration and congregation for these subhumans. I personally believe that we should execute all of them along with every Girl Scout leader in the United States. It’s what our Lord Jesus Christ would have wanted,” said Swanson, as he massaged his crotch.

“These heathens paint themselves green and march around in parades while wearing hardly a stitch of clothing to cover up their heinous maleness. Why do you know that in New York City, that den of iniquity, they’re letting the sodomites march with decent human beings today? Their sweaty, muscular, athletic bodies are going to be on display for everyone to see. It’s disgusting!

“I’ve spent hours on gay porn sites and I know what these men are up to,” raged Swanson. “God will punish them for their vile sins, that’s for sure, but in the meantime I feel it’s my duty to tell the public all about it, so my research will continue.”

Swanson eventually got so worked up that he started speaking in tongues and had to be escorted from his studio and given a sedative because aides feared he would activate the poison glands located in the roof of his mouth and inadvertently hurt himself.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un Calls Missile Tests ‘Resounding Success’

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PYONGYANG – (CT&P) – Dear Attractive Benevolent Leader Kim Jong-un proclaimed today that this week’s short-range missile tests a “resounding success.” A pair of advanced (for North Korea) Tinyschlong-2 missiles were launched from a secret base just outside the capital and crashed into the Sea of Japan just off the coast.

“Our target was the Sea of Japan, and by God we hit it,” said the Dearest Beloved Athletic Well-Hung Leader. “We will use our superior technology to crush all you capitalist pig-dogs in the mother of all battles.”

The pudgy lunatic declined to state when the battle would take place, but said it would sometime “real soon.”

Kim watched the tests from a rowboat powered by serfs chosen at random from among the starving populace.

The murderous asshole dictator was also on hand to watch a missile launch from a submerged submarine go awry when it circled lazily around in the air and then streaked off towards China.

The entire crew of the sub was later executed using anti-aircraft guns and hungry Alsatians.

After the massacre Kim told the malnourished North Korean press corps that although he does intend on turning the entire peninsular into a giant radioactive cauldron of death, he looked forward to dealing with Donald Trump after this year’s U.S. presidential election.

“We have a great deal in common and I’m sure we’ll be able to work together,” said Kim, as he sentenced 11,000 innocent civilians to life sentences in concentration camps along the Chinese border.

 

U.N. Leader Calls Gas Attack “Crime Against Humanity”

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon called this morning’s massive poison gas attack on Cabin Anthrax “a vicious attack on innocent civilians” and a “crime against humanity” in a statement made to the press late this afternoon.

“Of all the horrific acts conducted against a civilian population this may be the worst,” said the Secretary-General, as he wiped a tear from his eye. “We don’t have casualty figures yet, but there seems to have been significant loss of life caused by the attack. We’re mobilizing all the assets we have and rushing them to help in the cleanup.”

The attack came just before dawn and was conducted by rebel leader Generalissimo Francisco Banjo (pictured above), mastermind of similar gas attacks in the past.

“It was terrifying,” said Jerry Dickerson, a survivor of the attack. “I was awakened out of a deep sleep and had to rush to the bathroom, turn on the fan, and light an entire book of matches in order to survive. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.”

General Banjo has been detained by Cherokee County authorities and is expected to make his first appearance at the World Court in The Hague sometime next week. He is charged with war crimes and crimes against humanity and fellow canines.

“I don’t know if he’ll be convicted or not because the evidence has long since dissipated, but I can tell you this, he’ll be one dead dog if interrupts another dream about Salma Hayek,” said Dickerson as he was released from the hospital.

Dickerson Renews Vows To Self (Again)

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MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – In what has become somewhat of a Valentine’s Day tradition, 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson reaffirmed his vows to himself in a touching ceremony just off an old logging road near his cabin in rural Cherokee County.

Attending the ceremony were his dogs, two dozen chickens, several scorpions who interrupted their mid winter slumber for the event, and an incompetent survivalist asshole who happened to be wandering by.

Dickerson told the Murphy Plain Dealer that he usually tries to renew his vows at least once per year just to assure himself that no one else will ever get in the way of the deep and abiding love he feels for the person who is most important to him.

An Armenian military scout eats a live fish during a performance devoted to the celebration of the 20th anniversary of formation of the reconnaissance troops of the Armed Forces at Qanaqer military unit in Yerevan on November 10, 2012. AFP PHOTO / KAREN MINASYANKAREN MINASYAN/AFP/Getty Images

Ducktown resident Gilbert McScrotum, an unemployed fry cook and amateur survivalist, happened upon the ceremony and congratulated Dickerson on his successful long term relationship, something that has always eluded McScrotum despite having fathered 11 children.

“There’s really no one else who even comes close,” said Dickerson.

“I came to the conclusion years ago that I made myself happier than anyone else ever could. I try my best to think of myself first in any and all situations, and I try not to deny myself anything.

“I just don’t see anyone ever breaking us up.”

Jerry’s mother Charlene and sister Kathy, reached by phone in Blue Mountain Beach, Florida, agreed.

“Jerry’s devotion to himself is really something to behold,” said Charlene. “He’s been that way ever since he was a little boy. He used to mug other kids on Easter so that he could hoard all the eggs and chocolate bunnies. It was really cute.”

“I’ve really never encountered anyone who loves himself more than Jerry does,” said Kathy. “He thinks very highly of just of about everything he does, says, or thinks, and you’re wasting your time trying to tell him any different.”

After the ceremony the guests were invited to a small get-together at Cabin Anthrax, where the dogs were treated to peanut butter flavored biscuits, the chickens a loaf of bread, and the scorpions a variety of live insects.

Since Dickerson eschews human contact at all costs since it tends to interfere with his narcissism, the starving survivalist was sent to a nearby pond where he devoured an unfortunate trout that swam too close to shore.

Dickerson told reporters that he intends to redouble his efforts to satisfy himself in every way in the coming months, and looks forward to a happy and rewarding relationship with himself for many years to come.