LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA (CT&P) – “Pathogen Parties,” or get-togethers of otherwise healthy unvacccinated kids, are rapidly rising in popularity with the anti-vaxxer crowd on the west coast. The parties are designed to expose the children to deadly childhood and adult diseases in order to “toughen them up” for the coming ordeals and disappointments of adult life.
Hemorrhaging Herman, a professional clown currently suffering from Ebola, has been wildly popular at the CNPA events
“What does not kill you makes you stronger, and we all want strong, healthy kids, don’t we?” said Theresa Twit of the Criminally Negligent Parents Association.
“We got the idea from reading about George Washington vaccinating his troops against smallpox,” said Twit. “He used pus from running sores on smallpox patients and scratched his healthy soldiers’ exposed skin with a filthy needle covered with the live virus. It made perfect sense to us.”
The organization has taken the idea one step further by recruiting diseased children and adults with a whole suite of different communicable diseases and turning them loose to play with the healthy, happy ones.
“We have partnered with Pathogens R Us, a website that hooks up infected individuals with concerned parents all over the United States,” said Twit. “We really owe them a great debt. There’s just no way we could have located enough afflicted people to be effective without their help.”
“Pathogens has made it possible for us to recruit kids and adults with all kinds of horrific diseases. They also provide great game ideas for the kids, such as ‘Bodily Fluids Bingo,’ ‘Pin the Tail on the Anthrax’, and ‘Hide and Go Die.’ They even sell a pinata filled with test tubes containing a wide variety of viruses and bacteria that the kids would normally never get a chance to experience.”
Chuck E. Cheese’s has jumped on the bandwagon to help out the dimwitted parents by developing a toxic “West Coast Menu” and covering its giant rodent mascots with fleas carrying bubonic plague
The CNPA has also formed a partnership with the popular kid’s party palace Chuck E. Cheese’s. The restaurant chain has developed an entirely new ‘West Coast’ menu featuring a variety of toppings laced with life-threatening microbes and parasites. Some of the most popular new pizzas include Salmonella Surprise, Staphylococcus Supreme, and a gourmet white pizza loaded with botulinum toxin called the Upchuckie.
“We just want our kids to form all the antibodies that are so necessary to combat disease,” said Twit. “We just don’t believe in doing it in the modern fashion accepted by scientists and the general public for decades. For example, we’re currently recruiting polio victims from Pakistan to come in and join us at a gala event at Disneyland next month. We just can’t wait.”
The effectiveness of the parties is yet to be determined, but the CNPA insists that those kids who make it out of intensive care alive will be better prepared for life than kids with “normal” parents
Pundits and public health officials around California have expressed alarm at the group’s activities and are strongly advising parents to keep their kids “the fuck away” from any parties designed to make their kids critically ill.
California Attorney General Kamela Harris has said publicly that if the parties continue she will be forced to charge the participants with child abuse and with being “too stupid to live in California.”
“These idiots don’t have the sense to get their kids vaccinated in the first place, and now they are importing diseased individuals from all over the world to do the job a doctor could have done in five minutes,” said Harris. “If these cretins want to return to the 7th century, then let them convert to Islam and move to Syria. I mean, fuck!”