Guns, Beer And Vomit: Trump Delegates In Custody After Rampage In Death Valley

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LOS ANGELES – (CT&P) – Three men who went on a drunken rampage involving gunfire, vomiting, skinny dipping and the death of a tiny endangered fish in Death Valley National Park are now in custody, officials said today.

The men, now identified as John Ya Ya, John Many Jars, and John Small Berries, are all on the ballot as Trump delegates in the California primary. They were seen on surveillance video the evening of April 30 driving around a secured gate surrounding Devils Hole, a 40-acre detached unit in Death Valley National Park. The habitat is also home to the endangered Devils Hole pupfish.

Once they entered Devils Hole, park officials said the men shot at signs, gate locks and a security system motion sensor. The men fired at least 10 rounds, according to authorities. They also left behind beer cans, vomit, and a “Make America Great Again” trucker’s cap.

During the excursion, one man jumped into the waters of Devils Hole and swam around for a while shouting “Mexicans are rapists!” and “Muslims suck!”

For some reason the man left his pink boxer shorts floating in the water. They are currently being tested for alien DNA.

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Ya Ya, Many Jars, and Small Berries were apprehended on Hollywood Boulevard while hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians and yelling “Make America Great Again” through a loudspeaker mounted on top of their vehicle.

Park officials later found a dead pupfish in the water — one of only 115 that currently inhabit Devils Hole.

Pupfish, which grow to about an inch in length, roughly the size of Donald Trump’s dick, are the tenacious descendants of fish that inhabited an ancient lake that once covered Death Valley.

According to the National Park Service, the pupfish population fluctuates between 100 and 200 in the winter and between 300 and 500 in the summer. The latest population numbers were tallied in a survey last month, park officials said.

“A necropsy is being performed on the pupfish to determine whether the vandals’ actions may have caused the death of this member of an endangered species,” park officials said in a statement.

Investigators are examining the area and reviewing surveillance video footage of the incident.

Park officials said the men not only shot the motion sensor, but also tried to remove cables in an attempt to dismantle the security system, but failed because they were so fucking stupid.

Video footage shows the men climbing over the fence and driving away in a blue Yamaha Rhino, an off-road vehicle.

The vehicle was later pulled over and the three men were arrested while driving up Hollywood Boulevard hurling empty beer cans at pedestrians, officials said.

Officials credit the swift arrest of the men to a tip provided by an anonymous caller who claimed that Ted Cruz was sent by God to rule over America.

The three men face charges of destruction of government property, killing an endangered species by toxic urine discharge, and chronic criminal stupidity.

Monsanto Finalizes Plans To Destroy All Life On Earth

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ST LOUIS – (CT&P) – Monsanto Chairman and CEO Hugh Grant announced at a press conference this morning that the company’s long-awaited master plan to annihilate all life on earth had been finalized.

The company hopes to use a combination of carcinogenic weed killers, toxic fertilizers, and genetically altered plants and animals to wipe out all life on the planet.

“I know it’s been a long time coming, but we’re finally on the verge of killing every living thing on this miserable rock,” said Grant, as blood from an early morning feeding dripped off his chin. “We’ve already done one hell of a job on the bees, bats, and amphibians. Now we’re going to go after the base of the food chain and then graduate to larger reptiles and mammals.

“We’ve also been rapidly buying up every heritage seed company we can get our hands on so desperate survivors of the initial cataclysm won’t be able to grow their own food,” said a chuckling Grant.

When asked just when he thought Monsanto would accomplish its goal of worldwide apocalypse, Grant said that it should only take about three generations.

“Originally we planned on 200 years,” said Grant. “But our partnering with Koch Industries has changed all that. With the help of the Koch brothers poisoning the groundwater through fracking, and accelerated global warming from our dear friends in the oil industry, we think we can wipe out millions of years of evolution in no time flat.”

One reporter asked Grant if he didn’t think that environmentalists might object to large corporations laying waste to the entire planet and push for tighter regulations in congress.

“What, are you an idiot? Between us and the Kochs we own almost every politician now serving in office. We hope we can get a Republican in the presidency this time around so we can really get to work decimating what’s left of our water, air, and wildlife so we can come in under budget and right on time!”

When asked why Monsanto and Koch would want to make the earth a sterile rock incapable of supporting life of any kind, Grant said “For the money you moron! I won’t be around when all the shit hits the fan, so who the fuck cares?”

 

 

Dumbass Farmers Baffled By Turkey Plague

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SIOUX FALLS, SOUTH DAKOTA – (CT&P) -A bird flu outbreak that has puzzled farmers and scientists has spread to three more Midwest turkey farms, bringing the number of farms infected to 23 and raising the death toll to more than 1.2 million birds killed by the disease or by authorities scrambling to contain it.

The U.S. Department of Agriculture confirmed on Saturday that the H5N2 strain of avian influenza was found among 38,000 birds at a commercial farm in Kandiyohi County in west-central Minnesota. It’s the third confirmed outbreak in Kandiyohi, which is the top turkey producing county in the country’s top turkey producing state.

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Commercial turkeys farms are a veritable poultry paradise, where each bird has as much to eat as it wants, great health care, and 24/7 access to 50,000 of its closest friends.

South Dakota State Veterinarian Dustin Oedekoven said crews were working Saturday to begin euthanizing any birds not killed by the highly contagious strain to prevent the virus from spreading.

Once those birds have been destroyed, the 23 farms in Minnesota, South Dakota, North Dakota, Missouri, Kansas and Arkansas will have lost more than 1.2 million turkeys, a small fraction of the 235 million turkeys produced nationally in 2014. Canadian officials also confirmed earlier in the week that a turkey farm in southern Ontario with 44,800 birds was hit, too.

“We just can’t understand it,” said Rufus Simpleton, a turkey farmer from Guano Flats in central Minnesota. “I mean, we feed these birds a wonderful high-fat diet and pump them full of antibiotics practically from the day they’re born. Then we provide excellent living conditions for them. Each bird has at least a one square foot area in which they can grow up and live a productive and fulfilling life. It’s not like they don’t have social contacts, I mean each turkey has immediate access to roughly 50,000 other turkeys living in the same room. I just can’t understand why they would get sick.”

Dr. Beth Thompson, assistant director of the Minnesota Board of Animal Health, said the reason Minnesota has had so many cases has a lot to do with the fact that it’s the country’s top turkey producing state, and that it has a myriad of ponds and lakes that are attractive stopover places for migrating waterfowl such as ducks, who are suspected of carrying the deadly bird flu virus.

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Gertrude, a resident of Turkenau Farms outside Minneapolis, told CNN she loves living in a commercial setting. “Especially the part where they cut off our beaks and toes! That’s really fun!” she said.

“It’s got to be the ducks, damn their black souls!” said Thompson. “Packing 50,000 members of the same species into concentration camp conditions and fattening them to point where they can barely walk has got nothing to do with it, that’s for sure.”

In Minnesota, turkey producers have now lost over 900,000 birds.

Officials stress the risk to public health is low and that there’s no danger to the food supply, as long as no one wants to eat turkey meat. No human cases have been detected in the U.S., but conspiracy theorists hope that will change soon.

Because trucks and equipment provide a potential way to carry the virus onto farms, Minnesota Gov. Mark Dayton signed an executive order Friday lifting seasonal weight restrictions for poultry feed trucks and trailers, and for emergency equipment being used in the response. His order said tightening biosecurity by reducing the number of trips to poultry farms is critical to lowering the risk of introducing the virus to non-infected farms.

Governor Dayton signed another order calling for the aerial use of nerve gas over 90% of Minnesota’s lakes and ponds in order to kill the offending waterfowl. “We want to err on the side of caution here, so killing millions of ducks that may or may not be carrying the virus seems like the logical thing to do,” said Dayton.

Meanwhile, chicken farmers all across the Southeast are reporting raised levels of unrest and nervousness among their flocks as it seems more and more likely that the traditional Thanksgiving menu will have to be changed this year.

Pat Robertson Warns Viewers: “Upcoming Eclipse Is A Clear Sign From God”

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Pat Robertson warned viewers of his television show The 700 Club on Friday that the upcoming solar eclipse was a warning from God that the use of solar power was “Satanic,” and should cease immediately. He predicted that the eclipse would cause chaos across Europe and much wailing and gnashing of teeth around the world.

The eclipse will occur on March 20th, beginning at 7:41 UTC and ending at 11:50 UTC.

For the uninformed, UTC or Coordinated Universal Time is the primary time standard by which the world regulates clocks and time. It is one of several closely related successors to Greenwich Mean Time (GMT). For most purposes, UTC is considered interchangeable with GMT, but GMT is no longer precisely defined by the scientific community, which of course is dominated by Lucifer and his climate change minions.

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A constipated Reverend Robertson is seen here praying for America to repent so it can survive God’s wrath over renewable energy sources.

Dubbed the “Equinox Eclipse,” totality only occurs over a swath of the North Atlantic and passes over distant Faroe and Svalbard Islands. Germany and central Europe can expect an approximately 80% partially obscured Sun at the eclipse’s maximum.

Although some pundits have predicted a Y2K type disaster all over northern Europe as a result of the eclipse, authorities in Germany and across the European Union have assured doomsayers that precautions have been taken and no serious interruptions of power are expected.

Germany currently stands at the forefront of solar energy technology, representing a whopping quarter of all solar energy capacity installed worldwide. Germany now relies of solar power for almost 7% of its annual electricity production, and during the sunniest hours, has used solar panels to satisfy up to 50% of the country’s power demand.

In his usual fashion, the Reverend Robertson took a normal and predictable natural event and turned it into a sign from the Almighty that he is in some way infuriated that we are not doing as the Bible instructs. On his show Robertson repeatedly insisted that the eclipse was “Our Lord’s way of telling us to stick with fossil fuels.”

“God created oil and coal for us to burn so we could cook, drive and take showers,” said Robertson. “Only the Antichrist Obama and all those socialists in Europe are in favor of Green energy. Let all those pagan Europeans go straight to Hell if they want. Renewable energy represents everything we God-fearing Republicans are against: clean air, clean water, societal progress, and science in general.”

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The staff of Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Petersburg, Kentucky have been instructed to tell visitors this week that eclipses never happened before the moon was created a mere 200 years ago.

Speaker of the House John Boehner (R-OH) weighed in on Robertson’s comments saying, “This proves that the G.O.P. is right in line with the wishes of our G.O.D. on the matter of the Keystone Pipeline. God wants us to burn fossil fuels until Texas and Florida are completely underwater, and I think this is something the rest of America looks forward to.”

Boehner continued, “Unfettered capitalism is our country’s only hope. If we keep putting up roadblocks to slow down the destruction of our natural world by benevolent and generous multinational energy companies, then we’ll all be cooking gruel over a campfire like all those Germans are right now. We need to heed God’s warning and frack the shit out of every square mile of land in the United States before it’s too late.”

During the same broadcast Robertson also warned that windmills were the work of Beelzebub because they did not generate any power on calm days, and the celebration of Pi Day on Saturday was proof that mathematicians and other scientists were possessed by demons who entered them through clothing bought at thrift stores.

As he was leaving the Vatican after his weekly meeting with Pope Francis today, God was asked by members of the Italian press to comment on Robertson’s observations. An exasperated God replied, “I’m just about ready to give up and start this whole thing over again. There is really no hope for you ignorant bastards, is there?”

Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe Unable To Locate His Own Ass

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (CT&P) – Sources close to Senator James Inhofe are telling the Washington Post that the politician from Oklahoma is so stupid that he cannot find his ass even when he utilizes both hands.

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Senator Inhofe possesses roughly the same IQ as that of a South American tapir

“The man is as dumb as a box of rocks,” said an aide to the senator, on the condition that he remain anonymous. “He has roughly the same IQ as a tapir running around in a South American rain forest. I’m relatively new to the staff, so I don’t know how long he’s been like this, but let me tell you, the man has trouble crossing the fucking street by himself. It’s a classic case of ‘lights on-nobody home.'”

The revelation is all the more alarming because as a result of the November elections Senator Inhofe has assumed the chairmanship of the Senate Environment and Public Works Committee.

“It’s like making Barney Fife secretary of defense,” said Dr. Frank Black of the Banzai Institute in Holland Township, New Jersey. “This guy actually believes that the Bible somehow refutes man-made climate change. He’s as bad as those savages in the Middle East that want to take us back to the 7th Century. He belongs in a mental institution or a third grade science class or anywhere other than the U.S. Senate. The man is a menace.”

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Inhofe has consistently ranked in the top ten of mentally deficient politicians over the last two decades, which calls into question the native intelligence of those who have elected the cretin to the senate four times in a row

Senator Inhofe has become famous for his idiotic statements in the past, such as the time he compared the rise of gay rights to the sinking of the Titanic. Most Americans have up to this point considered him another Tea Party type clown with the native intelligence of cement block, but many are now alarmed that he is chairman of an important committee.

Inhofe’s first act as committee chairman was to take the floor and drone on and on about how anthropologic climate change is a giant hoax perpetrated by scientists who just want funding to continue their lavish lifestyles.

“Man made climate change is just a giant conspiracy like the moon landings and the JFK assassination,” said Inhofe. “We can’t trust these scientists at all, they’re just like doctors. Everyone knows it’s better to pray to God to be healed rather than see a doctor,” raved the moron from Oklahoma.

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Most Americans have considered Inhofe a harmless buffoon from Turdflip, Oklahoma up until this point.

The senator used a video made in his garage to support his arguments. The video began with a list of people who don’t agree with the vast majority of climate scientists who say human-caused carbon emissions are contributing to climate change. Inhofe said he has compiled a list of 4,000 “renowned scientists” who disagree with the 97% of climate scientists who actually have looked at the data. Inhofe’s list actually has 650 people-not 4,000, and some of whom are television meteorologists, amateur gynecologists, pizza delivery dudes, and fry cooks at McDonalds.

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Many believe that Inhofe belongs in some mental institution or in a home for mentally challenged religious fanatics, anywhere but in a position of power

Conversely, one of the most recent peer-reviewed studies on the state of climate science showed that out of 4000 abstracts from peer-reviewed papers published in the past 21 years that stated a position on the cause of global warming — 97 percent of these endorsed the point that it was human-caused.

In the video, Inhofe says this is “just not true.” “Whoever heard of someone reviewing a paper on a pier?” said Inhofe. “Piers are for fishing.”

“With people as dumb as Inhofe in positions of power in the federal government, well, things don’t bode well for any meaningful action on climate change for at least the next two years,” said Dr. Black. “It really cements the image of the U.S. Senate as being ‘old, white, male, and stupid.’ One thing about it though, with guys like this and those idiots in the Tea Party on television every week, the Democrats are sure to do well in 2016.”

 

 

 

Smith To Replace McCarthy At EPA

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – Disgusted with the glacial pace of environmental reform and the gas and oil industry’s stubborn refusal to admit culpability for the world’s ongoing climate crisis, President Obama has announced sweeping changes at the EPA including the appointment of a new administrator, Agent Smith.

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Smith conferred with himself for several days before accepting the new position at EPA

“Smith knows how to get things done,” said the President, at a brief White House press conference this morning. “We believe that Smith’s ability to replicate himself and seemingly be everywhere at once will save us money on inspectors and help cut through bureaucratic red tape. After all, nearly everyone is terrified of the man, and all those who have taken him on in the past have ended up dead.”

Smith told reporters that he was honored to be taking over the leadership role at EPA, as  he had long wanted to do something about the plague of humans destroying what was once a pristine planet.

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The ubiquitous Agent Smith’s ability to replicate himself is considered one of his most valuable assets. “Since he requires only one salary and benefits package, he’ll save us millions in health care costs alone,” said President Obama.

“I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here,” said Smith. “It came to me when I tried to classify your species and I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment but you humans do not. You move to an area and you multiply and multiply until every natural resource is consumed and the only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet. You’re a plague and I am the cure.”

The appointment of Smith was made over protests from nearly every industry leader in the United States, who have had free rein to run roughshod over environmental rules and regulations up to this point.

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President Obama threatened to bring in Bricktop if Agent Smith should fail in his mission

“It’s downright unpatriotic to prevent us from destroying our great country’s land and water resources!” said ExxonMobil’s CEO Rex Tillerson, a huge proponent of fracking. “For decades we have been allowed to pollute and lay waste to the land, air, and water of this great land, and now is no time to try to stops us. It might raise the cost of a gallon of gasoline an extra ten cents! Do you want to pay an extra ten cents per gallon every time you fill up? Obama is obviously a Muslim communist intent on destroying our economy through needless rules and regulations. It’s outrageous!”

Tillerson, an industry leader, made the list of “Top Ten American Hypocrites of 2014” for joining a lawsuit to prevent fracking close to the neighborhood in which he lives. He joined other luminaries on the list such as the Reverend Pat Robertson and Judge Antonin Scalia.

When asked what would happen to the environment and future generations if Smith did not bring the energy sector under some semblance of control, Tillerson replied, “Fuck the fucking environment and fuck future generations. We are here to make money, plain and simple.”

Smith is scheduled to assume his new post on October 1st.

God Distances Himself From ‘Idiots’ On Alabama Public Service Commission

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THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – During a brief layover in Atlanta (God always flies Delta) Almighty God expressed his displeasure with recent statements coming out of the slightly unhinged and highly political Alabama Public Service Commission.

God told reporters gathered in the intergalactic concourse that “I wish to make my position crystal clear on this subject. I want nothing to do with those idiots, pay no attention to them whatsoever.”

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God told reporters that maybe the Alabama PSC should be trying a little harder to “clean up their act” and encourage the development of alternative energy sources considering coal mining’s track record and the threat it poses to the environment

God was referring to recent statements made by Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh, president of the commission, and commissioner-elect Chip Beeker. Cavanaugh called on the people of the state to ask for God’s intervention against the Obama administration’s proposed reduction in carbon emissions that is expected to heavily impact coal-fired plants responsible for massive amounts of greenhouse gas emissions. Cavanaugh asked citizens to pray for the failure of the EPA crackdown on pollution.

“I hope all the citizens of Alabama will be in prayer that the right thing will be done,” she said.

Beeker also made comments about the regulations while invoking the name of God. He told reporters that coal was created in Alabama by God, and the federal government should not enact policy that runs counter to “God’s plan.”

“Who has the right to take what God’s given a state?” he said.

coalmine2This is not the first time the Alabama PSC has tried to recruit God for political purposes. Last year a Baptist minister spoke at a meeting of the commission. The minister was a friend of Cavanaugh’s of course.

The minister, John Jordan of East Memorial Baptist Church in Prattville, Ala., who is also a member of the Alabama Tea Party, began his prayer by polling those present to see who believed in God. Then he went on to pray for a number of things, including forgiveness from God for the sins of abortion and gay marriage.

“We’ve taken you [God] out of our schools and out of our prayers,” Jordan intoned. “We have murdered your children. We’ve said it’s okay to have same-sex marriage. We have sinned and we ask once again that you forgive us for our sins.”

coalmine3While at Hartsfield God told reporters that “There is a reason for the separation of church and state. Do they really need to be talking about this crap when they were elected to oversee utilities and make sure that the citizens of Alabama are not ripped off? What the hell are these twits thinking?”

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God told reporters that “If those religious zealots on the PSC don’t start doing their job instead of playing politics by bringing my name into it, they’ll get a taste of divine retribution courtesy of my left foot.”

God continued, “And another thing, coal is a fossil fuel formed when peat is altered physically and chemically. This process is called “coalification.” During coalification, peat undergoes several changes as a result of bacterial decay, compaction, heat, and time. In short, the coal in Alabama was formed by decaying plant matter over a period of millions of years. Every high school graduate should know this. I just didn’t get up one day and say ‘Wow, those folks in Alabama deserve some coal. I think I’ll bury some deep under ground for them to mine and burn so they can run their dishwashers.”

“What a bunch of dullards. I guess the citizens of Alabama are getting what they deserve. Who the hell elects a woman named ‘Twinkle’ anyway?”

God closed the presser by saying, “I appreciate you guys coming out here and having to go through all that idiotic TSA bullshit. I know what a pain in the ass it is. Now I’ve got to scoot. I have an audience scheduled with Pope Francis at eleven.”