KUALA LUMPUR-Malaysian government officials have announced that the most unlikely and shocking scenario regarding the fate of Flight 370 has now become a reality. The location of the missing aircraft has now been narrowed down to somewhere within the vast ocean depths of the southern hemisphere. This pinpoint analysis has been made possible by a re-examination of satellite and radar data by people who actually know what the fuck they are doing. The data indicates that the flight ended with the aircraft plunging into the sea somewhere in the remote regions of the Indian Ocean. This wild and crazy conclusion has been backed up by
Sean Hannity stubbornly insists the plane is in a secret “Batcave” in Pakistan or Iran
multiple sightings of debris floating on the surface. Objects have been sighted by crews of both Chinese Iluyshin IL-76 and Royal Australian P3 Orion (built by Lockheed, not Boeing) search aircraft flying over the remote area.
Confused and incredulous anchors on cable outlets all over the world became even more incoherent than usual as they breathlessly reported the new information. However, instead of moving on to other minor stories, such as the imminent threat of a third world war being fought over control of Ukraine, Modavia, or the Baltic countries, news anchors and pundits began the next round of seemingly endless speculations. Indeed, some anchors flatly refused to believe that their vacuous pet theories could be wrong.
Syndicated talk show host, Fox News anchor, and revered intellectual Sean Hannity declared, “I don’t give a damn what the Malaysians say, they’re a bunch of socialists. My sources tell me that the aircraft is in an underground hangar somewhere in Pakistan or Iran.” Hannity went on to rave, “This has all the hallmarks of another Obama conspiracy and cover-up, and I’m convinced that Hillary is the mastermind behind it. I think that some of the president’s Muslim buddies hijacked the plane and are going to use it as a weapon against us sometime in the near future. Maybe during the midterms. It’ll make Benghazi look like child’s play!”
Meanwhile, Great van Sustern chose to emphasize the link between the plane’s disappearance and Obamacare. “The people on that
Greta emphasized that the loss of the plane and every other unfortunate incident on earth inevitably leads back to Obamacare
plane would have been much better off with private health care rather than the state health care system in China, which is identical to Obamacare. The Affordable Health Care Act is, as we all know, is the very embodiment of evil. The ill-advised attempt to something as vile and heinous as providing health care for the poor is going to lead inevitably lead to the collapse of modern civilization. Insects will once again rule the planet.”
In Beijing reaction to the new revelations was equally unhinged. Irrational and perturbed relatives of the deceased passengers marched to the Malaysian Embassy where they hurled plastic water bottles, tried to rush the gates, and chanted “Liars!” The relatives were wearing t-shirts which said, “Let’s Pray for Flight 370,” (as if that could do any good at this point) and demanding that the Malaysian authorities “tell the truth” and return their relatives unharmed.
That last demand is going to be just a little difficult to fulfill. Apparently the angry relatives have been watching too much Fox News and think there is some sort of hideously complex conspiracy afoot. It’s a damn good thing China is not ruled by Vladimir Putin or armored columns would even now be approaching the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur.
Although the recent revelations by authorities regarding further analysis of the data and the sighting of debris have given us a good
Megyn Kelly was too busy groveling in front of Bill O’Reilly to offer her thoughts on the new announcements
idea of Flight 370′s terminus, we can look forward with great glee to weeks worth of speculation of just what caused the unfortunate incident. One of the fabulous things about modern technology in the form of cable news, the internet, and social media is that one can get a real education on just how irrational and ignorant many members of our species really are. If nothing else it makes for excellent entertainment.