Fox To Air ‘So You Think You’re A Sprinter’ In September

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – Fox has announced that it will air its newest reality show, So You Think You’re A Sprinter, in late September. The show will be shot live on location in a number of major metropolitan areas around the country.

The innovative program will feature unarmed black teens attempting to flee police custody while avoiding flying billy clubs, Tasers, and gunfire from a variety of military grade weapons.

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Cops who successfully neutralize contestants through the use of brute force, electric shock, machine gun fire, or any other civil rights violation will be awarded the Bedford Forrest Medal of Gallantry, a small cash prize, and an all expenses paid trip to the Annual FOP Dog Killing Festival in Little Rock this spring

The show will consist of eight one-hour episodes during which the number of contestants will be whittled down through a process of exhaustion, depression, life threatening back injuries, and death, all at the hands of rogue cops.

During the last episode, if any of the original contestants are still alive, they will be forced to run  a gauntlet of angry white rednecks armed with deer rifles who will be chosen at random from rural areas in Florida, Texas and Arkansas.

Executives at Fox are quite optimistic that the show will be a hit, citing the success of an entire news channel devoted to the kind of people who would really enjoy just this kind of thing.

The show is expected to air on September 25th, and will be going up against the new offering from Bravo, Real Housewives of the Gaza Strip; ABC’s popular docudrama Last Terrorist Standing, a cautionary tale about five dumbass Arab goat herders duped into joining ISIS; and CBS’s controversial new red state sitcom about how zany  gay marriage can be in ‘The Land That Time Forgot.” It will be called How I Met Your Scrotum.

 

CBS To Premiere “The Briefcase Nuke” In Fall

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – CBS has announced that its newest reality show, The Briefcase Nuke, will air sometime this fall. The show will feature two desperate Muslim families facing prejudice and intolerance in a major American city.

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Each Muslim family will be given a Soviet surplus briefcase nuke with an average yield of six to ten kilotons

In each episode, the families are each given a briefcase containing a Soviet army surplus RA-115 thermonuclear device with an approximate yield of 6-10 kilotons.

The families must decide whether to detonate the bomb themselves or forego Paradise and eternal glory in the Arab world by giving it to the other family so they can get all the credit.

Over the course of 72 hours, each family learns about the other and makes the decision, without knowing that the other family has been given a briefcase as well, with the same instructions.

Reception to The Briefcase Nuke has been largely negative because few Americans look forward to the prospect of being vaporized or undergoing a slow and horrible death after being exposed to ionizing radiation.

 

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Updates with approximate body counts will be broadcast over the CBS Evening News for weeks after each detonation

Ken Tucker, Yahoo TV’s critic-at-large, described the series as “cynical, and repulsive” for “passing off its exploitation…as uplifting, inspirational TV.” Jason Miller of Time.com called it “the worst fucking reality show ever.”

Others have compared it to the failed Spanish television series The Inquisition, where two Spanish families raced to blame the other for perceived transgressions against the Roman Catholic Church. The show was canceled after two episodes and nine horrific deaths at the hands of church officials.

CBS executives have said that the show will air on Sunday nights in the time slot just after AMC’s The Walking Dead, with exclusive updates from devastated cities airing each night on the CBS Evening News.

 

Carnival Cruise Lines Announces Ebola Virus To Be Added To Water Supply Aboard Select Vessels

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Ebola will be added to the drinking water supply of Ecstasy’s sister ship the Agony beginning in early 2015

THE CABIN ANTHRAX, MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – At a press conference held in Miami last night, Carnival Cruise Lines announced that a particularly virulent strain of the Ebola virus will be added to the toxic cocktail of viruses, bacteria, medical waste, and spent nuclear fuel rods already present in the holding tanks of some of its ships.

The virus will be added first to Carnival’s Survivor Class of vessels that have become so popular with doomsday preppers, Alaskan homesteaders, survivalists, and other nuts who want to test their mettle against whatever nature has to throw at them.

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Carnival’s Survivor Class vessels are often older and have few of the amenities available aboard their other ships

The line of Survivor Class vessels consist mostly of older, barely seaworthy ships that have little or no medical support staff. They normally travel five to seven days out of Miami to a deserted island populated only with Komodo dragons and huge vampire bats that dwell deep within the island’s extensive underground cave complex.

Passengers are treated to free food and drink on the way out while being exposed to a wide variety of deadly pathogens and an unusually high level of ionizing radiation emanating from spent nuclear fuel rods stored in the hull of each ship. The passengers are then dumped on the island with the only medical care provided by a witch doctor and two cannibal nurses from New Guinea. Those who survive for a week or longer are then picked up and transported back to the mainland where they are given various awards at a gala party on South Beach.

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After a week on the desert island, whose whereabouts remain a mystery, most passengers are eager to be reunited with loved ones on the mainland. One passenger described the adventure as a trip to a “dystopian hellscape.” “It was like visiting Florida during an election,” he said.

Carnival’s spokesman Captain William Bligh told reporters that the company will monitor the results of the additional virus before adding it to Carnival’s remaining ships, which are already teeming with waterborne pathogens such as the Norwalk virus, E. coli, Clostridium botulinum, and Salmonella typhi, just to name a few.

“We want to build on the success we had last year when we introduced Enterobius vermicularis to our Disney Class vessels, which cater to families with kids,” said Captain Bligh. “As you know E. vermicularis causes peri-anal itching, hyperactivity, nervous irritability, and insomnia. It was a big hit with our customers who want to educate their kids about what life has in store for them.”

The cruise line is currently in negotiation with a group of renegade ex-Soviet scientists and is hopeful that weaponized anthrax, smallpox, and bubonic plague can be added to the toxic sludge now present in the water supply of their beautiful ships.

 

 

Yellowstone Bison “Bemused” After Punking Thousands Of Idiots On The Internet

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YELLOWSTONE NATIONAL PARK (CT&P) – A spokesman for the Even-toed Ungulates Society of Greater Yellowstone told reporters this morning that Yellowstone bison were “tickled and a little bemused” by all the attention that a short video of themselves was getting on the internet. The video went viral early last week and has caused a great deal of wailing and gnashing of teeth by tens of thousands of weak-minded alarmists around the globe.

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Buffalo “Bill” Ungulate is spokesman for the Even-toed Ungulates Society of Greater Yellowstone

The video was said to depict members of the subfamily Bovidae fleeing the confines of Yellowstone for the relative safety of Cody, Wyoming and Gardiner, Montana. The reason given for the “Buffalo Exodus” in the video was that the bovines had somehow divined the imminent doom of the park and a large portion of the United States at the hands of a super volcano.

Visitors to the park as well as thousands of idiots around the globe phoned park officials to voice their concerns over the situation and seek instructions in the event that they should suddenly find themselves covered with red hot toxic ash. Kooky survivalists and wacked-out Bible prophets added to the aggravation by posting videos of their own predicting impending apocalypse and the end of civilization as we know it.

Park officials were quick to point out that the four-legged “steaks on the hoof” were actually running deeper into the park, not fleeing it for other environs. “It was a spring-like day and they were frisky. Contrary to online reports, it’s a natural occurrence and not the end of the world,” said Amy Bartlett, a spokeswoman for the park.

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Freddie Wisent is famous for his pranks and weird sense of humor. He once burst into a rancher’s kitchen and demanded French toast and coffee for breakfast

The park sits atop an ancient volcano whose caldera is roughly 50 miles long and 30 miles wide. However, since every scrap of scientific evidence points towards another eruption tens of thousands of years in the future and not tomorrow night, it seems we have little to worry about.

“The chance of that happening in our lifetime is exceedingly insignificant,” said Peter Cervelli, associate director of science and technology at the U.S. Geological Survey’s Volcano Science Center in California.

Despite the best efforts of park officials, scientists, and sane people to quell the abject panic, the video continues to alarm dolts and dimwits across America and the world.

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Freddie’s wife Hildabeest has never been amused by his “silly antics”

The bison themselves find the whole situation laughable. “You humans are so fucking gullible,” said Buffalo “Bill” Ungulate, a spokesman for the Ungulates Society and friends with the herd that carried out the prank. Those guys just saw some cars passing by and thought it would be fun to get down on the highway and raise a little hell. They had no idea that it would cause such a ruckus,” said Ungulate. “It was all Freddie Wisent’s idea. He’s from Europe originally and has a weird sense of humor. He’s always jerking the tourists around by break-dancing  around Old Faithful in a Speedo and acting silly in front of the kids. Freddie is a real clown if there ever was one. He never takes anything seriously.”

 

Tips For Bad Living From OCD Magazine (Part Eight)

If you are a young dude in training to become a wildlife officer or “Grouper Trooper” in the state of Florida, try not to sleep through “Giant Reptile Apprehension” class. In general it is best to approach dangerous alligators from the ass-end thus avoiding jaws equipped with razor-sharp teeth and with the crushing power of an automobile compactor. It might also be advisable to avoid obstacles such as curbs over which you could trip and thus come face to face with your reptilian adversary.

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Always strive to keep your home as clean as a microchip manufacturing facility. Keep your floors clean by purchasing at least six overpriced and inefficient robotic sweepers. That way a team of two sweepers can be on duty around the clock bumping into things and terrorizing your pets. Attaching high-powered rescue strobe beacons to the robotic devices will help guests avoid tripping over them when they get up to urinate in the middle of the night. So what if your neighbors think they are living next to an indoor airport? Cleanliness should be your first consideration. You never know when a physician may want to conduct a kidney transplant on your kitchen floor.

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If you have reached the point in life where you are rationally weighing the all-important decision as to your lifetime sexual preference, take your time and make a wise choice. Even thinking about having sex with another of your own gender could land you in the “Lake of Fire” for the rest of eternity. All this talk of brain chemistry, biology, and genetics is just a bunch of crap liberals have cooked up to force the gay agenda down our throats. Remember, it’s your choice!

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If a friend or relative is staying in your home and he is scurrying around attempting to make a deadline or get ready for an appointment, pepper him with questions like “Do you know what time it is? What time is your appointment? How long does it take to get there?” Then, make a statement like “You should have started getting ready much earlier.” This will serve the dual purpose of accelerating his slide into insanity while encouraging the procrastinating bastard to plan better next time.

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When hiring a chauffeur it is always best to pick someone who has a solid work record and a stable home life. Remember, your life will be in his hands.

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If you move to a new city, one of the most important decisions you will make will be the choice of a family physician. Choose one who can relate to your mental state and all of your fucked-up obsessions and syndromes. Make sure that the dude will readily prescribe the narcotics you so desperately need in order to function in society.

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When choosing a place to worship in your new town, be sure to visit several compounds before making a final decision. Don’t be too particular about belief systems; just make sure the pastor is charismatic and fun to be around. You don’t want to get bored.

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If you are a young person and have yet to decide on your drug of choice, don’t waste time with gateway drugs. You are only given a brief time on this planet so get with the program! Pot and alcohol are for chicken-shit pansies. Opt instead for something that will really kick your ass and is easy to obtain or manufacture at home. For God’s sake enjoy yourself before you get old and decrepit.

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If you have the attention span of a squirrel on amphetamines and tend to get on some people’s nerves, then for Christ’s sake see a physician and get a script for Valium or Xanax so that those of us who love you won’t some day be charged with manslaughter.

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If you are a dog catcher for a canine concentration camp that murders innocents, just what in the fuck is wrong with you anyway? I can personally think of thousands of people who should be scooped up and taken away before the first dog should be harmed. Do us all a favor and drive your truck into a swamp. By the way, you are even less popular than President Obama or the U.S. Congress. Your best bet is to gas yourself as soon as you can find the time.

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Instead of hiring overpriced lazy ass repairmen to work in your home, get a couple of books on-line and do all of your own home repairs, especially easy to fix items such as electrical wiring. Remember, every penny you save can be used to pay for emergency room visits.

Management tip of the week: If you thrive on pettiness and the enforcement of absolutely senseless rules, choose a career as a corrections officer. It is a thankless job with low pay and high risk, but the benefits are alright, there will be opportunities for graft,  and it will make you feel good to know that you around people who are even more miserable than yourself.

Tips for Bad Living is reprinted with permission from OCD Magazine, another quality publication from Anal Industries, a wholly owned subsidiary of Control Freak Ltd., London.

Flight 370 Shocker! Malaysian Airliner Now Believed To Have Crashed Into The Fucking Ocean!

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KUALA LUMPUR-Malaysian government officials have announced that the most unlikely and shocking scenario regarding the fate of Flight 370 has now become a reality. The location of the missing aircraft has now been narrowed down to somewhere within the vast ocean depths of the southern hemisphere. This pinpoint analysis has been made possible by a re-examination of satellite and radar data by people who actually know what the fuck they are doing. The data indicates that the flight ended with the aircraft plunging into the sea somewhere in the remote regions of the Indian Ocean. This wild and crazy conclusion has been backed up by

Sean Hannity stubbornly insists the plane is in a secret “Batcave” in Pakistan or Iran

multiple sightings of debris floating on the surface. Objects have been sighted by crews of both Chinese Iluyshin IL-76 and Royal Australian P3 Orion (built by Lockheed, not Boeing) search aircraft flying over the remote area.

Confused and incredulous anchors on cable outlets all over the world became even more incoherent than usual as they breathlessly reported the new information. However, instead of moving on to other minor stories, such as the imminent threat of a third world war being fought over control of Ukraine, Modavia, or the Baltic countries, news anchors and pundits began the next round of seemingly endless speculations. Indeed, some anchors flatly refused to believe that their vacuous pet theories could be wrong.

Syndicated talk show host, Fox News anchor, and revered intellectual Sean Hannity declared, “I don’t give a damn what the Malaysians say, they’re a bunch of socialists. My sources tell me that the aircraft is in an underground hangar somewhere in Pakistan or Iran.” Hannity went on to rave, “This has all the hallmarks of another Obama conspiracy and cover-up, and I’m convinced that Hillary is the mastermind behind it. I think that some of the president’s Muslim buddies hijacked the plane and are going to use it as a weapon against us sometime in the near future. Maybe during the midterms. It’ll make Benghazi look like child’s play!”

Meanwhile, Great van Sustern chose to emphasize the link between the plane’s disappearance and Obamacare. “The people on that

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Greta emphasized that the loss of the plane and every other unfortunate incident on earth inevitably leads back to Obamacare

plane would have been much better off with private health care rather than the state health care system in China, which is identical to Obamacare. The Affordable Health Care Act is, as we all know, is the very embodiment of evil. The ill-advised attempt to something as vile and heinous as providing health care for the poor is going to lead inevitably lead to the collapse of modern civilization. Insects will once again rule the planet.”

In Beijing reaction to the new revelations was equally unhinged. Irrational and perturbed relatives of the deceased passengers marched to the Malaysian Embassy where they hurled plastic water bottles, tried to rush the gates, and chanted “Liars!” The relatives were wearing t-shirts which said, “Let’s Pray for Flight 370,” (as if that could do any good at this point) and demanding that the Malaysian authorities “tell the truth” and return their relatives unharmed.

That last demand is going to be just a little difficult to fulfill. Apparently the angry relatives have been watching too much Fox News and think there is some sort of hideously complex conspiracy afoot. It’s a damn good thing China is not ruled by Vladimir Putin or armored columns would even now be approaching the outskirts of Kuala Lumpur.

Although the recent revelations by authorities regarding further analysis of the data and the sighting of debris have given us a good

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Megyn Kelly was too busy groveling in front of Bill O’Reilly to offer her thoughts on the new announcements

idea of Flight 370′s terminus, we can look forward with great glee to weeks worth of speculation of just what caused the unfortunate incident. One of the fabulous things about modern technology in the form of cable news, the internet, and social media is that one can get a real education on just how irrational and ignorant many members of our species really are. If nothing else it makes for excellent entertainment.

German Customs Officials Seize Shipment Of Papal Blow

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Pope Francis beseeches the laity to pitch in and help the Holy See through this “rough spot” by dropping off what they can with their local parish priest

VATICAN CITY-The German weekly newspaper Gild am Sonntag reported yesterday that 340 grams of cocaine bound for the Vatican was seized by German customs officials in Leipzig. The officers found the high-quality Peruvian marching powder packed into 14 condoms hidden inside a shipment of comfortable and stylish seat cushions. The shipment of “soft cushions” was addressed only to the Vatican post office, meaning any one of the 800 permanent residents of Vatican City could have picked it up.

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Cardinal Fang led a team of “crack” Swiss Guards on a failed sting operation outside the Vatican post office

After German authorities contacted Vatican police and told them of the discovery, a sting operation was set up under very tight security. The 99% pure yayo was removed from the cushions and placed under guard in Leipzig. Meanwhile, an experienced team of Swiss Guards under the command of Cardinal Fang was assigned to observe the post office and capture the recipient of the shipment when he attempted to pick it up. “We are not that concerned with the nose candy, but the use of condoms is strictly forbidden and could lead to torture and excommunication,” said Cardinal Fang. “We may have to resort to using the ‘comfy chair.'”

However, the operation was called off three weeks later since no one ever appeared to collect the cushions. German officials believe that someone inside the Vatican tipped off the would-be snorter. Cardinal Fang reacted with righteous indignation to the suggestion that information had leaked from the nostrils of his task force. He vehemently insisted that “Nooooooobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!”

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Archbishop of Miami Tony Montana donated 250 grams of pure California cornflakes to the cause and pledged to throw the German custom officials out of a helicopter

A source from within the close-knit College of Cardinals, speaking on condition of anonymity, expressed regret that the shipment was seized in the first place. “We are really gonna miss that shipment. A whole week’s worth of dope flushed down the drain. You know it’s damn hard work saving souls and feeding the less fortunate. How in the hell do think His Holiness is able to spend his nights working in soup kitchens after all day at the office? The man is 77 years old, after all. Furthermore, I don’t know what idiot decided to route that stuff through Leipzig anyway. Everybody knows how anal German customs officials are.”

Appeals have been made to the pious to help the Vatican get over the shortfall in supply. Donations are pouring in from all over Sicily and as far away as Amsterdam and even Bogata. Archbishop Tony Montana of Miami, for instance, pledged 250 grams of pure powder from a stash he has hidden “close by.”

It seems that the faithful have taken the Pope’s pleas for a more humane and giving form of capitalism quite seriously.