MURPHY, N.C. – Longtime Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson was turned into what is being described as a “human pincushion” early yesterday morning when the staff of Turtletown Primitive Baptist Medical Center penetrated his flesh with a huge ass needle approximately two dozen times in a futile attempt to start an IV flowing.
Setting up the IV was meant to be the first step in a nuclear stress test his doctor had ordered after Dickerson had complained of “weird shit” going on in his thoracic cavity.
Although a team of medical technicians, nurses, and even a few physicians attempted to start the IV for what seemed like a fortnight, they were unable to achieve success.
Dickerson told Action News reporter Billy Bob McSneed that he left the hospital feeling like “a fucking inverted porcupine.”
Action News at 11 reporter Billy Bob McSneed caught up with Dickerson at McCaysville Drug and Gun where he had stopped on his way home to purchase some bandages and ammunition for his .50 caliber sniper rifle.
“I just wanted to make sure there were no blockages that could break loose and kill my ass or worse yet cause a stroke and turn me into a fucking Trump supporter,” said Dickerson, who appeared pale from loss of blood. “I didn’t expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition.”
“I have no clue how he’s alive and walking around,” said Dickerson’s physician, Dr. Joe Mengele III. “The bastard appears to have no vascular system at all. We can detect a heartbeat alright, but what it’s pumping and where that material is going is a mystery to us. I plan on writing a grant proposal to the National Institutes of Health or maybe the Humane Society to get some funding to study this son of a bitch. The results could be fascinating.”
Although the medical team urged Dickerson to reschedule the test next week, Dickerson demurred saying, “I’d rather have a combination root canal and colonoscopy while viewing Dancing with the Stars. Fuck this shit.”
SEOUL – At a press conference in Pyongyang this morning North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un threatened the Sea of Japan with more missile strikes if the body of water continued to allow U.S., Japanese, and South Korean warships to travel freely over its surface.
“If this cooperation continues the water will know our wrath,” said an agitated Kim. “Our missiles are being fueled and will be ready to strike anywhere we deem necessary in response to this aquatic aggression.”
As of this afternoon the Sea of Japan has not publicly responded to the threat.
Earlier this month North Korea fired four of its new Long Schlong III missiles into the middle of the fucking ocean in a show of force meant to discourage the Sea of Japan from cooperating with its enemies. A fifth missile failed to launch and its crew was executed the next day.
As of this afternoon there has been no response to the threat from the Sea of Japan, but South Korean officials stated that they weren’t particularly worried about the ravings of “that fat ass cheese-eating manchild” currently in charge of the rogue state to their north.
“They can’t aim worth a shit,” said Admiral Um Hyun-Seong, Chief of Naval Operations. “They’re just as likely to hit the South China Sea or the fucking Arctic Ocean when they launch those things. Fuck ’em.”
WASHINGTON – Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is reportedly losing patience with members of Congress who want to put the brakes on his abominable plan to fuck as many poor people as possible by denying them health insurance.
“Speaker Ryan is really pissed about this new report by the CBO,” said a staffer on condition of anonymity. “He thinks it’s just going add ammunition to wimps within the Party who have reservations about stomping on the poor.”
Ryan’s staffer told Politico that during a meeting late last night the Speaker threw a temper tantrum and started screaming that poor people “deserved to die” and he wanted it to “start happening yesterday!”
“He acted like he was unhinged,” said the staffer. “He was picking up 40 lb dumbbells and hurling them around the office like they were paperweights. One female staffer was hit in the leg and she had to go to the emergency room. He was screaming ‘That’ll show you, you bitch! I hope you enrolled in our office plan! Next time move your ass out-of-the-way!’ as she was being removed from the office on a gurney.”
“I’m currently looking for alternative employment,” said the staffer. “I really don’t see much future with the Speaker in politics if he continues down this road.”
Politico is also reporting that Ryan has plans to become an evangelist if he loses in the next round of elections.
“That way I can fuck poor people 24 hours a day, 365 days a year!” Ryan is reported to have said.
NEW YORK – The Weather Channel warned viewers in the Northeast this morning that Winter Storm Stella had the potential to transform areas from New York to Boston into a vast frozen wasteland reminiscent of scenes from the Pleistocene Epoch.
“I think everyone better be ready for at least a temporary return to a hunter-gatherer lifestyle,” said meteorologist Jim Cantore, who was broadcasting from what appeared to be the median of a busy highway in New Jersey.
Cantore, an unhinged lunatic who regularly predicts the end of modern civilization during minor weather fluctuations, was jeered and taunted by passing motorists as he told viewers that wild animals were already devouring their young in an attempt to store fat in preparation for the deadly storm.
“Have you ever seen that flick The Day After Tomorrow?,” asked Cantore in a voice shaking with fear. “This is gonna be just like that. I’m advising those who can’t flee to the South to go buy everything they fucking can out of every grocery store on the east coast. Otherwise, I’m convinced we’ll be eating the dead.”
Although blizzard warnings have been issued for a part of the Northeast coast, including New York City, in advance of Winter Storm Stella, government officials in the area don’t think that this will be quite the cataclysm predicted by Cantore and his pals currently going fucking ape shit around the clock on national television.
New York Mayor Bill De Blasio told Fox News that snow totals of a foot or more could cause travel problems and some power outages, but the area would survive this storm as it has every other storm that has hit for the last 200 years.
“This is not some sort of crescendo of doom,” said De Blasio. Those idiots over at the Weather Channel are panicking like a Republican lost in a mixed-race neighborhood. We’ll be just fine.”
ATLANTA – Gleeful anchors at the Weather Channel are warning viewers from Western North Carolina all the way to the Northeast that their forecast for Winter Storm Stella indicates that it could bring death and destruction on a scale not seen since the last winter storm forecast they fucked up earlier in the year.
“The tables have turned on the Northeast after a very warm winter, but jack frost is about to get his revenge on the East Coast,” chuckled a delighted Tom Niziol, chief winter storm expert and doomsayer for the network.
“Winter Storm Stella will come in two parts. An initial disturbance in that jet stream will produce the stripe of snow through this weekend in the Midwest and South. However, a much sharper plunge of the jet by next week should spin up a strong low-pressure center off the East Coast, raising the potential of a nor’easter with heavy snow and wind for parts of the Northeast.
“If we’re lucky, this could mean a variety of emergency conditions in New England and its environs, which in turn could lead to numerous deaths among the elderly and the very young as power outages and stalled vehicles take their toll on human life,” said a grinning Niziol.
“We have high hopes for this one.”
TOKYO – North Korea fired four ballistic missiles early Monday morning in what Japan’s leader described as “an extremely dangerous action.”
A fifth missile failed to launch, a US official told CNN.
Military authorities in South Korea, Japan and the United States all confirmed the launch of four projectiles, which traveled almost 1,000 kilometers (620 miles) towards the Sea of Japan, also known as the East Sea. One US official said they were believed to be North Korea’s newest intermediate-range missiles, known as Long Schlong III’s.
Jeffrey Lewis, director of the US-based East Asia Nonproliferation Program, told CNN the North Koreans’ recent behavior was the sort “you see from a state that can’t find its ass with both hands.”
“They keep launching missiles into the fucking ocean,” said Lewis. “God knows what the fuck they’re aiming at. So far they’ve only proved they’re a threat to sea creatures or the occasional unlucky trawler.”
The launches were hailed as great achievements by North Korea’s leader Kim Jong-un, who told the North Korea Central News Agency that “Test great success. We hit ocean. Many fish now dead.”
The North Korean government celebrated the successful launch by issuing 25 extra calories in the form of stale bread to every citizen not currently engaged in slave labor at one of the nation’s many concentration camps.
The crew of the missile that failed to launch will be executed later today.