ATLANTA – Anchors at the Weather Channel are warning that thousands could still die as the result of Winter Storm Niko which is currently pounding the northeast.
Reporting from Pawtucket, Rhode Island, an area that was not getting any fucking snow at all at the time, anchor and Weather Channel resident lunatic Jim Cantore gleefully pointed out that thousands of people have been stranded by canceled flights, leaving them susceptible to frostbite, hypothermia, or instant death from the large number of lightning strikes accompanying this storm.
“Just look at Connecticut! It’s saturated with lightning strikes! And there’s more to come!” yelled a maniacal Cantore, while pointing a three iron at the sky to emphasize his point.
Cantore advised everyone within 500 miles of New York city to cower indoors like rats in a burrow in order to avoid the elements and extend their lives for a few precious hours.
He advised residents of Manhattan to seek shelter in outdated, vermin-infested 1950’s era fallout shelters deep below ground.
“The worst is yet to come,” said a smiling Cantore, doing his best impression of the Abominable Dr. Phibes.
“I feel certain that we’re going to see the body count rise on this one.”