WASHINGTON – At a press conference earlier today President Obama pledged to destroy the country one last time before turning over the reigns of power to Donald Trump, the first illiterate person to be elected President of the United States.
“I just want to make sure I leave this fucking place in the same shape I found it in,” said an emotional Obama.
The President did not specify what form this last orgy of destruction would take, but White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters later that it would be one of the President’s more creative efforts.
“He may alter the path of a large asteroid and have it impact at the geographical center of the lower 48, or he could cause huge tidal waves to hit both the east and west coasts simultaneously,” said a smiling Earnest. “Hell, he may even order our submarines to launch their Trident II missiles and wipe out every major city in America, you just never know with Barry.”
Experts from around the country say that this will mark the 47th time Obama has “completely destroyed America.”
Professor Hikita of the Banzai Institute told CNN that the variety of methods Obama has used in the past is mind-boggling, and there’s no way to predict how he’ll destroy the country this time.
“The bastard provided health insurance to poor people one time, then he orchestrated a deadly agreement with the Iranians that guaranteed we would all die of radiation poisoning another time,” said Hikita. “Then there was the time he rounded up all the Christians in Texas and sentenced them to live the rest of their lives in forced labor camps under WalMart Supercenters. He’s diabolical!”
The crescendo of doom is expected to begin sometime this evening and continue until the swearing-in ceremony tomorrow morning, leaving little time for many of us to live.
Sara Palin told Fox News that our only hope lies in the good and honorable man we’ve elected to be our next president.
“God has sent Donald Trump to save America, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it,” said Palin, as she injected 1/2 a gram of methamphetamine into a pulsating vein in her temple. “Trust in Jesus and everything will be just fine.”