European Space Agency Accelerates Mars Landing Project



PARIS – European Space Agency CEO Johann-Dietrich Worner told a reporter for Rocket Fuel Today magazine this morning that the organization is teaming with the China National Space Administration in order to move up dates for a manned landing on Mars.

“Recent events in the United States have really put a fire under our ass,” said Worner. “For years we’ve been trying to drag those people across the Atlantic into the modern age, and let me tell you, it’s been an uphill battle. We’re done. It’s time to get the hell out of here.”

Worner said that with the help of the Chinese a manned landing could be achieved as soon as 2022, with colonization beginning shortly thereafter.

In a prepared statement, CNSPA Administrator Xu Dahze told the international press that he looked forward to working with his friends in Europe and had high hopes of getting the majority of his people safely off the planet before “all hell breaks loose.”

“Americans crazy as fuck,” said Dahze. “Time to get our butts off this rock.”

According to the article in RFT, both parties are anxious to get as much done before Inauguration Day because “no one really knows what the hell is going to happen after that.”


Brick Top To Lead Clinton Poll Watching Team



PITTSBURGH – (CT&P) – Clinton campaign manager Robby Mook told reporters this morning that Brick Top has been tapped to lead the campaign’s poll watching team on Tuesday.

“We’re pleased to announce that Brick Top has accepted the recently created position of poll watching Czar for the Clinton campaign,” said Mook.

“His duties will include overseeing the work of thousands of volunteers across the country tasked with making sure no Trumpkins try to interfere with or intimidate minority voters as they exercise their constitutional right to decide who they want to rule over them.”

Brick Top himself gave a brief statement at London’s Heathrow Airport as he hurried to board a flight to New York to meet with Clinton campaign officials over the weekend.

Asked by a reporter what he intended to do to any Trumpkins caught trying to interfere with the election, Brick Top replied, “Well, you’re always gonna have problems lifting a body in one piece.


So far reporters have been unable to confirm rumors swirling around the Clinton campaign that a farm in western New York has been leased for the month of November.

“Apparently the best thing to do is cut up a corpse into six pieces and pile it all together. And when you got your six pieces, you gotta get rid of them, because it’s no good leaving it in the deep freeze for your mum to discover, now is it? Then I hear the best thing to do is feed them to pigs. You got to starve the pigs for a few days, then the sight of a chopped-up body will look like curry to a pisshead. You gotta shave the heads of your victims, and pull the teeth out for the sake of the piggies’ digestion. You could do this afterwards, of course, but you don’t want to go sievin’ through pig shit, now do you? They will go through bone like butter. You need at least sixteen pigs to finish the job in one sitting, so be wary of any man who keeps a pig farm. They will go through a body that weighs 200 pounds in about eight minutes. That means that a single pig can consume two pounds of uncooked flesh every minute. Hence the expression, ‘as greedy as a pig.'”

When a reporter pointed out that what he was planning might not conform with current election laws in the United States, Brick Top told him, “Listen, you fucking fringe, if I throw a dog a bone, I don’t want to know if it tastes good or not. You stop me again whilst I’m walking, and I’ll cut your fucking Jacobs off!

“You’re on thin fucking ice my pedigreed chums, and I shall be under it when it breaks. Now, fuck off.”

Brick Top is scheduled to arrive this evening at LaGuardia Airport where he will be met by longtime Clinton supporter Harvey “The Wolf” Keitel.

Reports that a Clinton aide has placed an order for five thousand baseball bats could not immediately be confirmed by sources close to the campaign.




Poll: Village Idiots Breaking For Trump


WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – According to the latest Washington Post-ABC News Tracking Poll, village idiots across the United States are breaking for Donald Trump. Clinton and Trump are all but tied according to the poll, and pundits believe that this trend among undecided village idiots, morons, and imbeciles could very well determine the outcome of the election.

The tracking poll finds little shift in Clinton’s overall support following news of the FBI’s renewed look at Clinton emails, but strong enthusiasm among her supporters fell behind Trump in combined Saturday and Sunday interviews.


Vince Snetterton-Lewis, a village idiot from Panama City, Florida, says he supports Trump because he’ll make him great again like before his accident.

By 53 to 43 percent, more Trump supporters, who tend to be poorly educated simpletons, say they are “very enthusiastic” about him, compared with Thursday and Friday when Trump’s edge was negligible (53 percent vs. 51 percent).

“Clinton backers are slipping behind in enthusiasm even though Democrats have an edge in early voting,” said Merideth Bullsmegma, who manages the poll for ABC News.

“This presents a clear opportunity for Trump, if somehow his supporters are able to find their respective polling places.”

Bullsmegma cited reports that many potential Trump voters are wandering aimlessly around cities and towns complaining that they can’t find where to vote because they have ‘pieces of brain lodged in their heads’.

“If the RNC can somehow get these schmucks to the polls, and convince them that the voting machines won’t hurt them, then Trump could pull off the upset,” said a nervous Bullsmegma.

“If that happens, then God help us all.”