WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – During a speech this morning Donald Trump announced that he has come under attack by what “any reasonable person” would believe is a conspiracy involving, but not limited to, every national newspaper, every national and regional magazine, cable outlets, every television network except Fox News, all forms of social media, the GOP establishment, the entire Democratic Party, President and Mrs Obama, Hillary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Chelsea Clinton, the ghost of Buddy the Clinton’s slain Labrador Retriever, various sluts of all ages, the Illuminati, almost every Freemason on the planet, ISIS, Jimmy Hoffa, black folks, Mexicans, hundreds of thousands of Syrian refugees milling about on Ellis Island, 1.8 billion Muslims, and the International Organization of Evil Jews who control just about everything on the fucking planet.
Mr. Trump said that he has incontrovertible proof of the conspiracy and it will be made public “really really soon.”
“The conspiracy is meant to demean me and steal the election from you, my highly intelligent and not a bit gullible supporters,” said Trump, as he glowed orange like a spent nuclear fuel rod.
“We all know that the Clinton Foundation has been grooming these ugly sluts over a period of months and has set them loose on the public right before everyone goes to vote on November 28th,” he said while waving his tiny hands in semi-circles in an attempt to hypnotize his dim-witted voters.
“I mean just look at them. Are those the kinds of women you think I would assault? I have a lot higher standards than that, let me tell you. I wouldn’t put my little hands anywhere near those skanks. And I want to make one thing very clear. I have never raped anyone! They were begging for it every time.”
Mr. Trump concluded his defense by saying that the attacks from every decent person on the planet had nothing to do with the words that spewed out of his own vile and vulgar mouth.
“It’s a huge, well-organized conspiracy decades in the making, let me tell you. None of this is my fault.”