Florida Governor Rick Scott Takes It In The Ass



TALLAHASSEE – (CT&P) – This morning U.S. District Judge Mark Walker ordered the extension of Florida’s voter registration by one week, until next Tuesday, because of Hurricane Matthew.

“No right is more precious than having a voice in our elections,” Walker said Wednesday during a 40-minute hearing in a Tallahassee courtroom.

Judge Walker also ordered that a two-by-four be driven up Florida Governor Rick Scott’s ass, to remind him that he wasn’t a fucking dictator.

The Florida Democratic Party had asked for an extension of the deadline in the wake of the disarray left behind by Hurricane Matthew, which led to evacuation orders of more than 1 million residents.

Attorneys for Gov. Rick Scott, who had opposed the extension because he is a fucking asshole who’ll do anything to deny poor black folks the vote, and Secretary of State Ken Detzner spoke only to acknowledge their presence. They didn’t argue a position before Walker because they didn’t have a fucking leg to stand on.

Democrats filed a lawsuit Sunday against Governor Scott, who is widely believed to be the direct descendant of the Aztec snake god Quetzalcoatl. The lawsuit argued that Scott refused to extend the deadline for the very residents he ordered to evacuate for the storm.

“Many Floridians who would have registered to vote prior to the Oct. 11 registration deadline have been displaced or otherwise prevented from registering,” the lawsuit stated.

The lawsuit also claimed that Governor Scott took advantage of the storm to capture, smother through constriction, and devour several undocumented farm workers.

“Quite simply, it is wholly irrational in this instance for Florida to refuse to extend the voter registration deadline when the state already allows the governor to suspend or move the election date due to an unforeseen emergency,” Walker wrote in a 16-page order, which also mandated that Scott be X-rayed to determine if was slowly digesting any human beings.

“We hope that this order will in some small way alleviate the horror inflicted on the less fortunate residents of Florida by Governor Scott, and maybe they’ll get some satisfaction in the knowledge that the bloodthirsty serpent will have a large piece of wood driven way up inside his ass.”


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