PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – At press conference held early this morning just outside Heaven, God told reporters that he was “fed up” with protecting little Johnny Gregg from his moronic mother.
“I’m sick and fucking tired of having to follow this chick around making sure she doesn’t accidentally kill her little brat,” said a pissed-off Jehovah.
“Last week I caught her letting the hellion play on the rooftop of her eight story apartment complex. I had to cushion his fall or he would have ended up as a useless mass of protoplasm on the sidewalk. The week before that she accidentally threw him down the garbage chute along with nine empty boxes of bonbons and a stack of old National Enquirers.
“And what did she do this week?
“She takes the kid to the zoo and leaves him unsupervised while she goes off to buy some popcorn and cotton candy to shovel into her gullet, and while she’s washing it all down with a Big Gulp he falls into the fucking gorilla enclosure. This bitch has already cost the life of one endangered species. There’s no telling what she’ll do next. She’s a walking disaster area. This idiot and her spawn are taking up way too of much of my time.
“I’m telling you I’ve had it! From now on the rug rodent is on his own. It’s the law of the jungle for Little Johnny. I’ve got a universe to run.”