WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Director of the CIA John Brennan announced this morning that the agency will be hiring Gladys Ironfist, a homeroom teacher at Stonewall Jackson Grammar School in Lynchburg, Virginia, to give classified intelligence briefings to presumptive GOP presidential nominee Donald Trump after the Republican convention in July.
Under a longstanding bipartisan tradition, presidents allow their would-be successors to receive classified intelligence briefings to bring them up to speed on emerging threats around the world. The briefings usually begin immediately after the party conventions, and do not include the top-secret sources and methods.
Mr. Brennan told reporters that the agency believed that Mrs Ironfist would be able to explain the information in terms Mr. Trump could understand.
“We wanted someone who had experience in dealing with insecure, immature individuals without upsetting them or hurting their feelings,” said Brennan. “Mrs Ironfist has proven herself capable handling class clowns, brats, and self-centered little shits over a long an illustrious career.
“We believe she has the patience to deal with someone as clueless and thin-skinned as Mr. Trump, and she’ll throw cold water on any conspiracy theories he may come up with as a result of receiving information that is intended for adults.
“After all, we don’t want the crazy son of a bitch to nuke Luxembourg on his first day in office, do we?”