PHILADELPHIA – (CT&P) – Miscreant senator from the bowels of hell Ted Cruz was upbeat today as he campaigned in rural Pennsylvania despite the fact that he was all but eliminated from contention by Donald Trump in the New York primary last night.
The hapless Cruz came in third behind John “I’m Still Our Only Hope” Kasich in a Trump landslide victory.
Standing next to a pool of toxic waste leftover from a fracking operation near Hershey, Cruz told more than two dozen bleary eyed religious kooks that he still had a “path to victory.”
“The road may be narrow, and paved with the skulls of Republicans from all over the country, but I’m sure you agree with me that once I’m in the White House, it’ll all be worth it,” said Cruz, who then paused and looked around the audience like a monitor lizard seeking his next meal.
“Once we crush the dream of health care for the poor, equality for women and minorities, stop the wholesale persecution and murder of Christians in America, and most importantly make this country a theocracy like the founders intended, we can get on to more serious issues, like banning the sale and use of sexual aids in the United States.
“I look forward to eliminating unconstitutional entities like the Supreme Court, NASA, the National Institute for Health, the CDC, the Departments of the Interior, Education, Agriculture, Transportation, and Energy, along with any agency that threatens the mandatory worship of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.
“I alone have been chosen by God to lead this country into a primeval fever swamp of ignorance and hate, and I’m uniquely qualified to do it,” concluded Cruz.
The “crowd” applauded the speech halfheartedly and dispersed but not before one member suggested that Cruz go ahead and commit suicide so we could all get on with “making America great again.”