ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Weather Channel anchor Buford G. Alarmist told viewers in the southeast this morning that if they wanted to survive the next 48 hours they should immediately move to basements, civil defense shelters, or caves in their area and stay there for the duration of Spring Deathstorm Armageddon.
“Armageddon has the potential to completely wipe out the old Confederacy,” said Alarmist. “The few parts of the south that have survived President Obama’s scorched earth policies could very well be destroyed in the next two days.
“I advise anyone who does not have a basement or crawlspace to call in sick to work and start digging a slit trench immediately. Be sure to stock it with canned goods and rice. If you manage to survive this week, you can use it to hunker down during the upcoming Clinton presidency. It may be your only hope.”
According to teary-eyed co-anchor Molly Mulebutt Deathstorm Armageddon, the first spring storm of the season, may be last one the Weather Channel is able to report on because more than likely we’ll all be dead by the time the next one hits.