El Chapo Offered Immunity In Return For Trump’s Head

SCARFACE, F. Murray Abraham, 1983. (c) Universal Pictures.


MEXICO CITY – (CT&P) – Notorious drug kingpin “El Chapo” Guzman has been offered blanket immunity from prosecution by the Mexican government if the criminal mastermind is able to bring Donald Trump’s orange head to Mexico City before the Republican Convention begins in July, according to an article to be published next week in the German magazine Der Spiegal.

According to the article, the offer was made after extensive negotiations between the Mexican government and shadowy Republican establishment figures who traveled to Mexico after the results of the Super Tuesday primaries and caucuses became clear.

The talks were brokered by former president of Mexico Vicente Fox at an exclusive resort on Mexico’s west coast.

Gerhard Merwerdichliebe, author of the article, told CNN that Fox, along with high-ranking members of the GOP, were the driving forces behind the deal.

“President Fox reached out to friends in the GOP establishment early last month after becoming completely fed up with Trump’s plans to build a wall along America’s southern border,” said Merwerdichliebe. “His appeals fell on receptive ears and the rest is history.”

When reached by phone for comment, former president Fox told CNN that he knew nothing about any plans regarding the murder and dismemberment of the GOP front-runner.

“I never like him,” said Fox, as he was counting out tall stacks of hundred-dollar bills. “But I don’t know nothing about no plans to chop off that cock-a-roach’s head, place it in a bowling ball bag, and bring it to a restaurant in Mexico City before noon on July 18th.

“Fuck the Tea Party, fuck Donald Trump, fuck that fucking wall, and fuck the fucking Diaz brothers. Fuck, fuck, fuck!” said Fox as he ended the phone interview.

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