Weather Channel Warns Viewers In Southeast ‘Move To Underground Shelters Now If You Want To Live’



ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Weather Channel anchor Buford G. Alarmist told viewers in the southeast this morning that if they wanted to survive the next 48 hours they should immediately move to basements, civil defense shelters, or caves in their area and stay there for the duration of Spring Deathstorm Armageddon.

“Armageddon has the potential to completely wipe out the old Confederacy,” said Alarmist. “The few parts of the south that have survived President Obama’s scorched earth policies could very well be destroyed in the next two days.

“I advise anyone who does not have a basement or crawlspace to call in sick to work and start digging a slit trench immediately. Be sure to stock it with canned goods and rice. If you manage to survive this week, you can use it to hunker down during the upcoming Clinton presidency. It may be your only hope.”

According to teary-eyed co-anchor Molly Mulebutt Deathstorm Armageddon, the first spring storm of the season, may be last one the Weather Channel is able to report on because more than likely we’ll all be dead by the time the next one hits.


Recently Deceased Trump Supporters Fail To Convince Jesus



PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – A delegation of newly dead Trump supporters arrived at the Pearly Gates this morning only to have their credentials for admittance flatly rejected by Saint Peter and a small group of angels who were outside the walls smoking at the time.

The group consisted mostly of poorly educated, xenophobic racists from the old Confederacy who were die-hard Trump supporters from day one.

They made impassioned pleas that economic hardship brought on by a conspiracy of illegal immigrants, lazy blacks, establishment Republicans, the Chinese, mysterious Jews who controlled the liberal media, and above all Megyn Kelly, whom they consider the leader of the cabal, justified their support of a fascist candidate.

However, Saint Peter remained unmoved.

“I can’t recall Our Lord and Savior mentioning anything about immigrants or trade policy in the New Testament, except of course his admonition to ‘love thy neighbor as thyself,’ which right-wing Christians seem to ignore with increasing frequency these days,” said Peter to a group of Brietbart reporters who were loitering outside the gates while in route to the Lake of Fire.

“These idiots think they can have it both ways; go to the rally and spew hatred on Saturday and then run to church on Sunday and talk about Jesus for an hour, and everything is just hunky-dory. Well, I’m here to tell you it doesn’t work that way.”

As usual, the group of miscreants would not take an expert’s word on the subject and refused to leave until they spoke directly to the ‘Strongman.’

Eventually Jesus did put in an appearance and without hesitation told the group to go to Hell, which they promptly did.


Cruz Calls Trump ‘Sniveling Coward,’ Agrees To Back Him In General Election

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LA CROSSE – (CT&P) – While on the campaign trail in Wisconsin, presidential candidate and profoundly disturbed religious kook Ted Cruz paused long enough to deliver a blistering verbal assault on the Republican front runner and giant orange dick Donald Trump.

Cruz called Donald Trump a “sniveling coward” and told him to leave his wife “the hell alone” after Trump retweeted an unflattering photo of his spouse, Heidi Cruz.


Cruz and his father are currently barnstorming Wisconsin trying to drum up support from evangelicals.

“It’s not easy to tick me off. I don’t get angry often,” Cruz told reporters while campaigning in Wisconsin. “But you mess with my wife, you mess with my kids, that’ll do it every time. Donald you are a sniveling coward and leave Heidi the hell alone.

“Donald Trump is most disgusting asshole to ever run for office. He’s a lying, defrauding, bankrupting motherfucker who should dragged out and staked down in the hot sun on top of a bed of ants. No one in their right mind would vote for that insecure micropenised subhuman heap of parrot droppings.

“He can spend eternity in the fiery depths of Hell as far as I’m concerned.”

When later asked if he would be supporting Trump should he get the nomination, Cruz replied, “Well of course I’ll have to support the Republican nominee whoever he his. We just can’t afford someone like Hillary Clinton in the White House.”

Bentley Elected President Of Prestigious Governors Association



MONTGOMERY – (CT&P) – Alabama Governor Robert Bentley has been elected president of the prestigious Horny Republican Governors Association, edging out former governor of South Carolina Mark Sanford in what pundits have called a ‘nip and tuck’ race between two swollen and distended southern politicians.

Sanford had long been considered the favorite to win the position because of his creativity and yarn-spinning abilities, and he held double-digit leads in the polls for most of the race.

However, Bentley made a big comeback towards the end of the contest and won the election going away in large part because voters were so impressed with his prowess, performance, and doggedness when faced with situations that would make most men his age run for the prescription bottle.

“Bentley is one of the horniest motherfuckers I’ve ever seen,” said Milton Schlongstein of the Birmingham News. “I think it was that sex tape that really gave him the inside track and lubed his way to victory.

“That old coot may look like a funeral director, but let me tell ya, he can bang away all night long in every imaginable position. He’s a real stud.”

Bentley told journalists that he’s honored to be taking over the reins of the organization and looked forward to helping it grow in length and girth.

“I think I can engorge the HRGA with new blood and significant cash donations from our allies in the business world,” said Bentley at a press conference outside the Fuck Hut Motor Lodge in Opelika.

The HRGA was originally created to give political cover for Tea Baggers who run as ‘family values’ candidates but who in reality will fuck anything with a pulse.

However, over the years the group has become a multi-faceted organization that has done a great deal to help out embattled right wing politicians by paying legal fees stemming from sexual harassment lawsuits, delivering bags of cash to pay off blackmailing bitches and the parents of adolescents, and finding lawyers willing to defend state officials brought up on bestiality charges.

Governor Bentley is slated to take over as president just as soon as the people of Alabama throw him out on his shriveled white hypocritical ass sometime this spring.

North Korea Running Out Of Missiles To Launch Into The Fucking Ocean



SEOUL – (CT&P) – In a memo distributed to media outlets, South Korea’s National Intelligence Service stated that it believes that North Korea is running low on its supply of functional rockets and missiles because they have launched so many into the Sea of Japan lately.

“We believe that the North has only about a dozen missiles left in its arsenal at this point because it has insisted on acting like an overgrown starving child and has been launching them right and left into the closest body of water available,” said the press release.

“The North’s idiotic actions over the last few weeks has left it with a small number of ballistic missiles which it could use to attack us, which is a good thing. However, we would like to stress that the despotic regime still represents a very real threat to any country that has progressed past the nineteenth century.”

The memo went on to outline a frightening scenario in which North Korea could send a wave of World War II era Russian T-34 tanks accompanied by millions of starving farmers with clubs in an attempt to take over the South and get something to fucking eat for a change.

“We can never allow our guard to drop,” concluded the memo, “you never know what those crazy fucks will do next.”

Belgium Raises Terror Threat Level To Clusterfuck



BRUSSELS – (CT&P) – Prime Minister Charles Michel raised Belgium’s terror threat level to Clusterfuck today after several cowardly religious kooks blew the shit out of the airport and subway in Brussels.

Clusterfuck is Belgium’s highest terror alert level, and its interior minister has ordered extra soldiers deployed to the streets and security at its ports and borders. All airport operations have been stopped and incoming flights diverted, while public transport has been halted in Brussels and trains and subway stations have been closed.

However, none of these actions are expected to do shit to help the situation because the terrorists are already in Belgium and have been for years.


Colonel Kurtz appeared on a special edition of Wolf Blitzer’s The Situation Room, which showed the same clips of the Brussels bombings over and over again until Kurtz ripped his own head off.

Experts agree that Belgian authorities continue to ignore the root of the problem, which is the fact that they have a neighborhood in the heart of Brussels that acts a veritable welcome center for murderous goat-fucking Islamic thugs.

“Molenbeek is a neighborhood where bloodthirsty 7th Century Neanderthals can kick back and relax for a while, confident that none of the other residents will turn them in,” said Colonel Walter E. Kurtz (USA-Ret) earlier today on CNN.

“Until the Belgians grow a set of balls and plow through that miserable shithole with tanks and flamethrowers they’re going to continue to have this problem.

“As it turns out, it’s not such a great idea to invite a bunch of folks from a completely different culture into your country and then alienate the fuck out of them, denying them meaningful work and encouraging a sense of hopelessness in their youth. It’s slightly counterproductive.


General Ripper called in to Blitzer’s show from Burpelson Air Force Base in Omaha, Nebraska

“Now you have a bunch of disaffected people holed up together in what amounts to a slum with a bunch of bombs, rockets, and automatic weapons. What the fuck do you think is gonna happen?

“As far as I’m concerned what that neighborhood sorely needs right now is a bunch of heads on pikes. That’ll act as a little wake up call for those sitting on the fence. Then if we can manage to pry Belgian politicians’ heads out of their asses long enough to help these folks become real members of society, we might get somewhere.”

Although most pundits agree with Colonel Kurtz that integration is the key, U.S. Air Force General Jack Ripper told the same CNN panel that it’s too late to repair the mistakes of the past.

“The best solution here is to nuke Molenbeek and any other hotbed of Islamic terror festering in Europe, and I’ve already started the ball rolling,” said Ripper.

“My boys will give us the best kind of start, fourteen hundred megatons worth, and you sure as hell won’t stop them now,” chuckled General Ripper.

Although it looks like General Ripper exceeded his authority in this instance and his actions have not been condoned by the United States or NATO, it seems it’s too late to do anything about it, so expect a change of scenery the next time you travel to western Europe.

Obama Destroys Cuba In Less Than 24 Hours



HAVANA – (CT&P) – A distraught President Raul Castro of Cuba appeared on Radio Havana today and announced that after less than 24 hours since setting foot in Havana, the President of the United States had managed to completely destroy the entire country.

“Our beautiful nation now lays in ruins,” said an emotional Castro. “This monster, this Antichrist, was not satisfied destroying his own country dozens of times during his presidency; he had to haul his black ass down here and destroy ours as well, the bastard!”

“Cuba was once a glittering jewel of the Caribbean, now it nothing more than a heap of smoldering ashes. I had heard rumors from Republicans and other poorly educated Americans about how Obama had repeatedly ‘destroyed America’ but I chose to ignore the warnings and let him visit our idyllic land.

“Now I must take full responsibility for the disaster that has occurred. We have a long and hard rebuilding process ahead of us, but with the help of God and western European tourists we will prevail. God help us all.”

Mr. Obama offered no response to the radio address as he drank beer and toured a sugar cane plantation in the hills outside a burning garbage dump that only the day before was the thriving city of Cardenas.

He is expected to leave Havana tomorrow and destroy three countries in Central America before returning home to destroy America several more times before leaving office.