MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson took his first shower in over a week today, sources say. The reclusive oddball was said to have been as ripe as garbage dump when he finally broke down and cleaned himself up early this morning.
The unfortunate Dickerson reportedly had been suffering for days from food poisoning contracted at a Turtletown drive-thru.
His pets and only neighbor within a mile of his cabin were among those grateful for his decision to pay a little attention to his personal hygiene.
“I’m eighteen years old and I used to consume decaying raccoon carcasses on a regular basis, and I can honestly say I’ve never smelled anything so foul,” said Banjo, Dickerson’s world champion Treeing Feist.
Auda, Dickerson’s Black Giant rooster, said, “Listen, we poultry eat and poop in the same place and I have to tell you that we wanted him nowhere near our coop. He was downright rancid!”
“I’m somewhat of an expert on excavating odoriferous crawlspaces full of all sorts of indescribable filth, and I can tell you, that dude was rank,” said Millie, an English Cream Golden Retriever.
Dozer, Dickerson’s Pit-bull/Husky mix, told the Ducktown Plain Dealer that his owner smelled so bad that he refused to bite him.
Neighbor Roger Wills said, “I felt sorry for the bastard because he felt so bad so I went and got him some Gatorade from the store down the street. But let me tell you, the fumes coming from inside that cabin were so bad I had to leave it on the doorstep. No way I was walking into that hell on earth.”
When asked if her owner didn’t have a legitimate excuse for being so malodorous having contracted such a dread disease, Millie told reporters, “Sure, but that doesn’t explain last month.”