PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – Jesus Christ, Prince of Peace and Son of Man, is temporarily relaxing membership requirements for being a Christian, according to the Associated Press.
At a press conference held just outside the Gates of Heaven, the Savior of Mankind told reporters today that he hated to see so many politicians doomed to the fires of Hell for all eternity.
“I’ve thought for some time now that our entrance exam was a little stringent,” said Jesus.
“I feel sorry for Trump because I realize that it’s hard running a campaign without lying your ass off and expressing hatred for anyone who isn’t white; I mean not everyone can be Bernie Sanders. So I decided to give Donald and a bunch of other politicians, party members, and ministers a break for the time being.
“I also want to clear up a misconception. I really didn’t mean all that stuff I said about rich people. The acquisition of wealth should be a Christian’s main goal. Without rich people how we would fund all those big, beautiful churches and jet aircraft to spread the gospel?”
When Jesus was asked whether this wouldn’t open the floodgates to let a whole new class of people into Heaven, he said that indeed it would.
“It’s regrettable, and we’ll have to expand our facilities, but I think it’s worth it in order to make America great again.”
A reporter then asked the Messiah whether Ted Cruz would qualify as a Christian under the new rules.
“OH HELL NO!” replied the Lamb of God. “No way that bastard comes anywhere near this place as long as I’m in charge. Let Lucifer deal with his ass.”