Jesus Relaxes Membership Requirements; Allows Trump To Become A Christian

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PEARLY GATES – (CT&P) – Jesus Christ, Prince of Peace and Son of Man, is temporarily relaxing membership requirements for being a Christian, according to the Associated Press.

At a press conference held just outside the Gates of Heaven, the Savior of Mankind told reporters today that he hated to see so many politicians doomed to the fires of Hell for all eternity.

“I’ve thought for some time now that our entrance exam was a little stringent,” said Jesus.

“I feel sorry for Trump because I realize that it’s hard running a campaign without lying your ass off and expressing hatred for anyone who isn’t white; I mean not everyone can be Bernie Sanders. So I decided to give Donald and a bunch of other politicians, party members, and ministers a break for the time being.

“I also want to clear up a misconception. I really didn’t mean all that stuff I said about rich people. The acquisition of wealth should be a Christian’s main goal. Without rich people how we would fund all those big, beautiful churches and jet aircraft to spread the gospel?”

When Jesus was asked whether this wouldn’t open the floodgates to let a whole new class of people into Heaven, he said that indeed it would.

“It’s regrettable, and we’ll have to expand our facilities, but I think it’s worth it in order to make America great again.”

A reporter then asked the Messiah whether Ted Cruz would qualify as a Christian under the new rules.

“OH HELL NO!” replied the Lamb of God. “No way that bastard comes anywhere near this place as long as I’m in charge. Let Lucifer deal with his ass.”

U.N. Leader Calls Gas Attack “Crime Against Humanity”

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NEW YORK – (CT&P) – United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon called this morning’s massive poison gas attack on Cabin Anthrax “a vicious attack on innocent civilians” and a “crime against humanity” in a statement made to the press late this afternoon.

“Of all the horrific acts conducted against a civilian population this may be the worst,” said the Secretary-General, as he wiped a tear from his eye. “We don’t have casualty figures yet, but there seems to have been significant loss of life caused by the attack. We’re mobilizing all the assets we have and rushing them to help in the cleanup.”

The attack came just before dawn and was conducted by rebel leader Generalissimo Francisco Banjo (pictured above), mastermind of similar gas attacks in the past.

“It was terrifying,” said Jerry Dickerson, a survivor of the attack. “I was awakened out of a deep sleep and had to rush to the bathroom, turn on the fan, and light an entire book of matches in order to survive. I don’t know if I’ll ever recover.”

General Banjo has been detained by Cherokee County authorities and is expected to make his first appearance at the World Court in The Hague sometime next week. He is charged with war crimes and crimes against humanity and fellow canines.

“I don’t know if he’ll be convicted or not because the evidence has long since dissipated, but I can tell you this, he’ll be one dead dog if interrupts another dream about Salma Hayek,” said Dickerson as he was released from the hospital.

Fredo Suspends Campaign To Manage Greyhound Track

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MIAMI – (CT&P) – After a poor performance in Saturday’s South Carolina Republican primary, Jeb Bush suspended his campaign and told supporters that he would be headed back to Florida to help manage a greyhound track close to his home in Coral Gables.

Jeb, known affectionately as “Fredo” within the Bush crime family, said that he was looking forward to managing the track and making money for his mom Barbara, who recently took over the reins of the criminal empire from her husband George.

“I can handle things… I’m smart! Not like everybody says! Like, dumb! I’m smart… and I want respect!” said Jeb, as he trembled violently in front of a crowd of over 25 supporters. “I never really wanted to run for office. I just want a nice quiet job where I can count money and pet the doggies.”

“We had high hopes for Jeb ever since he was a little kid,” said the new Godmom Barbara, “but he just doesn’t have what it takes to be an international crime boss like his brother.”

Bush is expected to take over as manager of the Furry Friends Greyhound Track in Tamiami in early April after he returns from a brief “toughening up” trip out west under the supervision of Bush capo Richard “The Dick” Cheney.

 

Dickhead And Asshole Pose For Photograph In South Carolina

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CHARLESTON, S.C. – (CT&P) – Infamous South Carolina dickhead congressman Mark Sanford posed for a photograph with bigoted pseudo Christian asshole Phil Robertson at a campaign event for Antichrist miscreant Senator Ted Cruz last night, who continues to fantasize about being president of the United States.

Mr. Sanford posted the photograph on Twitter with the caption, “I love getting to know scumbag cretins like myself. Phil is a good Christian who wants to kill all gay people. Go Ted!”

Pundits are calling the photograph a warning to all citizens of the United States of what could happen if a Republican wins the White House, particularly the giant bipedal penis Ted Cruz.

“It never ceases to amaze me that people are dumb enough to actually sit and listen to a couple of fossilized turds like Sanford and Robertson,” said Sheldon Schlongowitz, a political analyst for CNN.

“It’s truly worrisome that Republican voters in are apparently splitting their vote between an ego-maniacal fascist and a foul smelling hypocrite who wants to turn America into some sort of theocracy, but then again we are talking about South Carolina.”

Democrats are hopeful that the photograph will scare the fuck out of decent people across the U.S. and help them win the general election in the fall.

“If that photograph doesn’t convince the American public that electing a Republican president is tantamount to suicide, then nothing will,” said Bernie Sanders’ campaign manager Jeff Weaver.

 

McConnell Threatens To Destroy Tokyo

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WASHINGTON, D.C. – (CT&P) – During an interview with Fox News couch tumor Steve Doocy this morning, Senate Majority Leader and behemoth reptile Mitch McConnell threatened Tokyo with “utter and complete destruction” if President Obama had the audacity to nominate a replacement for Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, who recently assumed room temperature.

McConnell told Doocy that “never in the history of the United States” has a president been allowed to nominate a justice during the last three years of his term.

“The constitution only allows presidents to nominate judges during their first year in office,” said McConnell, as he consumed a large pine tree outside his Louisville office. “Everyone knows the rules, and the fact that Obama is willing to flout them like this just proves that he is in fact the Antichrist. If he dares to make a nomination, I promise I’ll lay waste to Tokyo and move on from there.”

McConnell’s threats were taken seriously by the Japan Self-Defense Forces, who immediately went on alert and started lining up antiquated tanks and rocket launchers along the shores of Tokyo Bay.

“We have to take these threats seriously,” said General Tojo Yamamoto of the JSDF. “McConnell’s tough outer shell and leathery skin make him almost impervious to conventional weapons. We may have to call in other monsters such as Ted Cruz or even Michele Bachmann in order to stop him.”

Until now McConnell has been satisfied to merely lumber onto to Pennsylvania Avenue and stop traffic in all directions to satisfy his unquenchable thirst for obstruction. However, these new threats mark a willingness to up the ante and destroy every in his path in order to get his way.

The Obama Administration so far has not been willing to use “the nuclear option” to destroy McConnell, but with Tokyo and other major cities under threat of annihilation this may change.

“We don’t want to nuke him,” said White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest, “but when you’re dealing with a throwback from the early Jurassic period, you have to keep all your options open.”

Dickerson Renews Vows To Self (Again)

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MURPHY, N.C. – (CT&P) – In what has become somewhat of a Valentine’s Day tradition, 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Dickerson reaffirmed his vows to himself in a touching ceremony just off an old logging road near his cabin in rural Cherokee County.

Attending the ceremony were his dogs, two dozen chickens, several scorpions who interrupted their mid winter slumber for the event, and an incompetent survivalist asshole who happened to be wandering by.

Dickerson told the Murphy Plain Dealer that he usually tries to renew his vows at least once per year just to assure himself that no one else will ever get in the way of the deep and abiding love he feels for the person who is most important to him.

An Armenian military scout eats a live fish during a performance devoted to the celebration of the 20th anniversary of formation of the reconnaissance troops of the Armed Forces at Qanaqer military unit in Yerevan on November 10, 2012. AFP PHOTO / KAREN MINASYANKAREN MINASYAN/AFP/Getty Images

Ducktown resident Gilbert McScrotum, an unemployed fry cook and amateur survivalist, happened upon the ceremony and congratulated Dickerson on his successful long term relationship, something that has always eluded McScrotum despite having fathered 11 children.

“There’s really no one else who even comes close,” said Dickerson.

“I came to the conclusion years ago that I made myself happier than anyone else ever could. I try my best to think of myself first in any and all situations, and I try not to deny myself anything.

“I just don’t see anyone ever breaking us up.”

Jerry’s mother Charlene and sister Kathy, reached by phone in Blue Mountain Beach, Florida, agreed.

“Jerry’s devotion to himself is really something to behold,” said Charlene. “He’s been that way ever since he was a little boy. He used to mug other kids on Easter so that he could hoard all the eggs and chocolate bunnies. It was really cute.”

“I’ve really never encountered anyone who loves himself more than Jerry does,” said Kathy. “He thinks very highly of just of about everything he does, says, or thinks, and you’re wasting your time trying to tell him any different.”

After the ceremony the guests were invited to a small get-together at Cabin Anthrax, where the dogs were treated to peanut butter flavored biscuits, the chickens a loaf of bread, and the scorpions a variety of live insects.

Since Dickerson eschews human contact at all costs since it tends to interfere with his narcissism, the starving survivalist was sent to a nearby pond where he devoured an unfortunate trout that swam too close to shore.

Dickerson told reporters that he intends to redouble his efforts to satisfy himself in every way in the coming months, and looks forward to a happy and rewarding relationship with himself for many years to come.

 

12 Dead At RNC Headquarters Building After Rubio Fails Voight-Kampff Test

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WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – The Associated Press is reporting at least 12 dead and 27 injured today inside the RNC Headquarters building in Washington, D.C. after presidential hopeful Marco Rubio went berserk during a Voight-Kampff test.

The test, which measures bodily functions such as respiration, heart rate, blushing and eye movement in response to emotionally provocative questions, was ordered by RNC Chairman Reince Priebus in an attempt to determine if Rubio was human or some form of advanced robot.

“After Marco’s performance in Saturday night’s debate, we felt we owed it to our voters to determine whether Marco was indeed a human being or some kind of malfunctioning replicant,” said Priebus. “I guess we got our answer.”

Rubio reportedly answered a series of questions about his part-time senate job successfully before the examiner moved on to questions about tortoises and Rubio’s supposed mother.

According to an eyewitness, when the examiner asked Rubio if his mother was a reptile with a protective shell, the candidate leaped over the table and snapped the examiner’s neck like it was a toothpick.

“Then he went on a rampage, overpowering security guards and slaughtering half the staff,” said the witness, on condition of anonymity. “I’ve never seen anything like it. He had this childlike grin on his face as crushed the skulls of our employees with his bare hands. He kept demanding to know when he was made, and when no one could answer, he just slaughtered them. It was horrific.”

According to Priebus, SWAT teams reportedly have Rubio cornered inside a janitor’s closet where he’s holding several volunteers and lobbyists hostage. A FBI hostage negotiator has been called in.

So far Rubio has refused to give up and keeps repeating the phrase “Obama knows what he’s doing” over and over again. An RNC insider is telling Reuters that assault teams will give the negotiator a few hours to reason with Rubio before they move in.

“We hope we can resolve this without further loss of life, but if push comes to shove we’ll blow that closet all to hell,” said Priebus. “We can’t have robots going berserk and killing our people willy-nilly. We don’t care so much about the volunteers, but lobbyists are another thing entirely.”