Dickerson Loses It After Three Days Without Satellite Dish

jerryshocked

 

MURPHY, N.C. (CT&P) – 55-year-old Murphy resident Jerry Lee Dickerson was found wandering the woods along the Tennessee state line late last night suffering from exposure and dehydration, according to authorities from the North Carolina Wildlife Commission.

Wildlife Resource Officer John Small Berries found the man around 11 P.M wearing nothing but a tie-dyed Speedo with the words “Chavez-Dingo” sewn across the posterior area.

“I’ve been working this job for twenty years and it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever seen,” said Small Berries.

“The dude was running around howling like some kind of animal and mumbling something about Barcelona and the Messiah. He was totally incoherent. At first I thought he was speaking in tongues.”

With the help of Dickerson’s neighbor Roger Wills, authorities were able to patch together what most likely led to the wilderness rampage.

It seems that Dickerson lost his Dish service sometime late Sunday during the playoff games. Officials believe it had something to do with the ice and snow that hit the area over the weekend. Dickerson’s problems apparently began when he was told it would be Thursday before a technician could be scheduled to come repair the damage because of his remote location and the Dish employees that had disappeared in the area in recent years.

“He just became more and more agitated as the days went by,” said Wills. “I know for a fact that he hasn’t gone more than four hours without watching a soccer match over the last two years. He’s kinda of a kook if you ask me. I always thought he was a weird son of a bitch, but have to admit I never expected this kind of breakdown just because he couldn’t watch the Premier League.”

Dickerson was checked into the Cherokee County Mental Health Unit in Murphy to undergo a battery of tests to ensure that he poses no threat to the public or wildlife in his area. He is expected to be released sometime Thursday afternoon in time to meet the Dish repairman who will be escorted to the site by a Cherokee County deputy sheriff.

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