ATLANTA – (CT&P) – CNN is reporting that a 55 gallon drum of Astroglide has been delivered to the Weather Channel headquarters building in Atlanta in preparation for the annual Weather Channel Winter Storm Orgy that occurs during the first major frozen precipitation event of the season.
Wolf Blitzer told viewers today that unnamed sources within the Weather Channel “family” had phoned him and said that this year’s party celebrating the widespread panic and destruction caused by Winter Storm Jonas promised to “blow all the past orgies away.”
The sexual marathon is infamous in Atlanta and has been responsible for multiple unplanned pregnancies and vicious divorce proceedings in the past.
“I can’t begin to count the number of kids that have been conceived during this annual no-holes-barred (literally) sexual romp,” said Blitzer. “They get so excited and out of control over there that Coke bottles aren’t safe.”
“This year the office manager has apparently gone hog-wild and ordered enough lubricant for a herd of elephants,” said a visibly aroused Blitzer.
“They also bought out the entire stock from Tower liquor store on Piedmont and Green’s over on Buford Highway. There are rumors that Inserection and the Love Shack made deliveries early this afternoon. It’s meteorologists gone wild!”
The introduction of erectile dysfunction drugs a few years back turned the party from a one night fling into a test of endurance for the participants. In recent years the drug and alcohol fueled moral abomination has lasted anywhere from 24-48 hours, depending on the length of the blizzard and the number of road closures and casualties.
However, with the epic snowstorm now brewing in D.C. and along the Eastern Seaboard, no one has any idea how long this one will last. A memo from Weather Channel management obtained by Blitzer stressed the need for all employees to remain properly hydrated for the duration, but as a precaution emergency medical personnel from nearby hospitals have been put on alert.
Blitzer closed the segment by wishing all the Weather Channel employees “the very best of luck,” but lamented that this marks the fifth year in row he was not invited to the event.