THE RIVER STYX, HELL – Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz picked up a key endorsement today from Satan, the Prince of Darkness and Spirit of Evil. The surprise endorsement came during a hastily called press conference early this morning along the banks of the River Styx, on the outskirts of Hades.
Satanic Press Secretary Lord Balthazar told assembled journalists that Lucifer, who has long been expected to endorse current GOP front runner Donald Trump, changed his mind and will be backing Cruz throughout the primaries.
“His Majesty the King of Hell feels that Senator Cruz embodies the all the qualities we hold dear here in the Abyss of Eternal Suffering,” said Balthazar. “It was a close call, because so many of the Republican candidates are truly horrible human beings, but Ted shined in the key ‘hypocrite’ category, and that won him the endorsement in the end.”
“Mephistopheles believes that when it comes down to it, none of the GOP candidates can match Ted for his ability to mask his dark soul and evil intentions while claiming to be a Christian. He’s truly an abominable human being, and we feel he has the best chance to usher in a period of hell on earth that will pave the way for El Diablo’s reign on your miserable planet.”
The endorsement came as a complete surprise to Donald Trump, who was counting on the endorsement after exhibiting all the characteristics of a racist, misogynistic, homophobic fascist on the campaign trail.
Trump told Wolf Blitzer that he was really counting on a “Beelzebub Bump” in the polls.
“Instead I’m stuck with this fucking idiot Sarah Palin,” said a despondent Trump. “I’m going to have to come up with a new plan.”