BRISTOL – (CT&P) – Danny Kanell told ESPN viewers this evening that next week he would be legally changing his name to Giant Bipedal Penis, or ‘Dickhead’ for short.
“I’ve come to the conclusion that my name should match the way I look and act,” said an emotional Kanell, “and I think ‘Dickhead’ suits me perfectly.”
The insecure former quarterback from FSU has worked for ESPN as an analyst for several years, where he consistently picks the wrong teams to win and expresses his contempt for the SEC or any teams not led by Danny Kanell.
Kanell got the job after a lackluster career in the NFL where he threw 31 touchdowns, 34 interceptions, and had a quarterback rating of 63.2.
The new ‘Mr. Penis’ also had a rather sad stint in the arena football league before finally coming to the conclusion that he just did not have what it takes to play football professionally.
Kirk Herbstreit, a person who actually knows what the fuck he is talking about, told Sports Illustrated that it was high time Kanell came to terms with his own impotence and vacuousness.
“I think this is a good move for Danny,” said Herbstreit. “He really needs to embrace just how much he sucks. I think it’ll make him a better colleague and person as well.”