Cruz Refuses To Criticize Fellow Asshole


COLUMBIA, S.C. – (CT&P) – GOP presidential candidate Ted Cruz flatly refused to criticize Donald Trump for statements he made yesterday regarding Muslims and a possible ban on all people of that faith entering the United States.

“I do not believe the world needs my voice added to that chorus of critics,” Cruz said at a Tuesday press conference, referencing the large group of Republican and Democratic presidential candidates who have criticized the plan.

“And listen,” Cruz added, “I commend Donald Trump for standing up and focusing America’s attention on the need to secure our borders.”

“You won’t catch me criticizing a fellow asshole like Donald Trump,” said Cruz, as he stole some candy from a small child loitering on the edge of the crowd.

“I consider Donald Trump a friend of mine, and I only have two or three of them, so I can’t afford to go around alienating my brother cocksuckers all the time. Hell, even my own family hates my fucking guts, so I have to be careful what I say.

“I believe Donald is on the right track with his bigoted and xenophobic ideas and policy proposals, and I think you’re going to find out that the fascists that make up the right wing base of the Republican Party agree with us.

“Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go. I promised my supporters I’d go kick the shit out of that homeless black veteran dozing in the alley over there.”

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