WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – After seeing his poll numbers plummet over recent weeks because of his complete ignorance regarding foreign policy, GOP presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson has agreed to separate another set of conjoined twins live on national television.
Carson is scheduled to perform the surgery the week before Christmas, and an 800 number and dedicated web site will be available for contributions to his campaign during the event. Carson plans on cutting the normally nine hour operation down to a mere three hours so he can perform the entire surgery in prime time.
In order to emphasize his surgical expertise, Carson plans limit his instruments to a hacksaw, a pair of garden shears, and a curling iron to cauterize the wound in order to stem blood loss.
“Dr. Carson hopes that by replicating the operation that made him famous, but in more spectacular fashion, he can rejuvenate his campaign and retake the initiative,” said Carson campaign manager Barry Bennett.
“This time the operation will be on national television and Dr. Carson will emphasize speed instead of precision. Hopefully the American public will be impressed enough with Dr. Carson’s skill as a surgeon that they’ll forget that he’s a fucking moron when it comes to almost every other subject.”
Experts predict that the unorthodox technique will render basically the same results as his prior efforts with conjoined twins, most of whom are unable to speak or feed themselves even after years of therapy.
“Results are not what’s important here,” said Bennett. “You have to remember that Dr. Carson is a Republican.”