ROME – (CT&P) – At a press conference just outside the Vatican this morning God announced that he would be withdrawing his support for the Carson Campaign effective immediately.
God told reporters that after reviewing Dr. Carson’s statements regarding a variety of issues he could no longer support the retired neurosurgeon for the GOP nomination.
“In the end it was really not a hard decision,” said God. “This guy does not know his ass from a hole in the ground on most subjects, and he’s clueless when it comes to foreign policy. He would be an absolute disaster as president.
“At first I thought because he was a neurosurgeon he would be a smart dude, capable of making the hard the decisions a president has to make every day,” said the Creator of the Universe. “But I’m surprised this guy can wipe his own ass. I mean he is dumb! It just goes to show you that you don’t have to be some kind of genius to crack a head open,” chuckled the omniscient deity.
The American public apparently agrees with God’s assessment as Carson has been steadily slipping in the polls lately. Most pundits attribute the slide to the increased attention Carson received when he briefly led the Republican field.
“The more you look at Ben Carson, the more you see a simple-minded chowderhead incapable of critical thought,” said GOP political consultant Karl Rove. “Hillary would chew him up and spit him out like a plug of tobacco.”
When a reporter from CNN informed him of God’s decision, Carson accused him of being part of a liberal media conspiracy inspired by Satan.
“All you guys are just out to get me,” whispered a rapidly blinking Carson, as he twirled his hands in semi circles.
“I feel the fingers of God gently touching me telling me I’ll be President someday.”
When journalists contacted God for a response, he denied he had ever touched Carson gently or otherwise.
“I never fingered Dr. Carson in any way whatsoever,” said Jehovah. “What do you think I am, some sort of pervert? I’ve never touched the son of a bitch in my life. He’s out of his small mind.”