Despicable Asshole Gains Support In Iowa


DES MOINES – (CT&P) – Presidential candidate and despicable asshole Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is vaulting into the Iowa caucus’ first tier of Republican candidates, a survey released Tuesday suggests.

A new Quinnipiac University poll shows despicable asshole Cruz taking 23 percent to pompous ass racist Donald Trump’s 25 percent among likely GOP caucus-goers. Former neurosurgeon, lunatic, and dunce Ben Carson and man-child credit risk Senator Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) stand at 18 percent and 13 percent respectively, with the field’s 10 other asshole candidates all polling at or below 5 percent.

Cruz’s support has risen 13 points since Quinnipiac’s survey of the race last month, mostly at the expense of Dr. Ben Carson, who has steadily lost support nationwide as he continues to make it abundantly clear that he has no idea what the fuck he is doing outside an operating theater.

Cruz, known to his congressional colleagues as “Turd” or “that giant asshole,” has gone full bore Nazi in order to pick up as many evangelical supporters as he can in Iowa and across the United States.


However, if he wins the GOP nomination, Cruz will have to do it without the support of his fellow GOP senators, who consider him to be the most despicable asshole who has ever entered politics.


“I consider Ted to be a dirty, filthy, despicable asshole,” said Senator John McCain, when asked about Cruz’s character.

“I wouldn’t piss on Ted Cruz if were on fire,” said Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell. “He’s a putrid, festering, despicable asshole.”

Many members of the U.S. House of representatives feel the same way about Cruz.

In fact, former Speaker John Boehner once described Cruz as a “moldy, decomposing, rancid, unscrupulous, dishonest, despicable asshole.”

“The man is a walking hemorrhoid,” said Boehner.

Regardless of how his fellow politicians and most of the free world feels about Cruz, it is apparent that the Republican base in Iowa, which is heavily evangelical, thinks he just peachy.

Political pundits postulate that this is because they have been desensitized to despicable assholes after having been exposed to Representative Steve King (R-IA), a 24 karat asshole, for so many years.


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