WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – President Obama destroyed the country again today by rejecting the Keystone Pipeline, a project that has been compared to some of the great engineering projects ever undertaken by human beings.
The President cited concerns regarding the climate as the reason he decided to kill the project and destroy what was left of the United States.
“America’s now a global leader when it comes to taking serious action to fight climate change,” Obama told reporters, standing in the Roosevelt Room beside Vice President Biden and Secretary of State John F. Kerry. “And frankly, approving this project would have undercut that global leadership. And that’s the biggest risk we face, not acting.”
He said now was the time to act to “protect the one planet we’ve got while we still can.”
While environmentalists and anyone possessed of any intelligence at all applauded the President’s decision, GOP politicians and presidential candidates criticized the move.
“The Keystone Pipeline would have made us energy independent for more than a week, and would have provided at least three dozen permanent jobs for Americans who are suffering because of the flood of illegal Central American children stealing their income and spreading disease across our country,” said the borderline insane Senator Tom Cotton (R-AR).
“This is another victory for the international conspiracy of climate change scientists who are bent on worldwide Marxist revolution,” said Senator James Inhofe (R-OK), who’s been fighting Alzheimer’s disease for over five years now.
GOP presidential candidate Donald Trump told Fox News that he wasn’t worried about the decision, because the first day of his term he plans on building the “biggest, best, most beautiful pipeline ever made by man” to transport the dirtiest, filthiest, most environmentally destructive oil known to man down from Canada to the U.S. Gulf Coast.
Perhaps the most bizarre response to the President’s decision came from Dr. Ben Carson, currently in a dead heat with Trump for the Republican nomination.
Dr. Carson told CNN that he felt confident that although Obama, whom he referred to as the “Antichrist,” had rejected the pipeline and thus insured a second Great Depression, God would provide oil to America if he was elected.
“When I’m elected president I plan on building a series of giant pyramids across the country that can store oil that can be used in case of emergencies such as the Rapture or End Times,” whispered the unbalanced former neurosurgeon. “God takes care of those who take care of themselves.”
Obama’s rejection of the pipeline marks the fifth time this year he has destroyed the country. Experts state that in all he has destroyed the country at least 32 times since taking office.