ATLANTA – (CT&P) – Anchors on The Weather Channel warned viewers in Texas and the southeast this morning that large quantities of water falling from the sky could possibly cause flooding.
Weather Channel anchor Sam Champion, anchor of the hit show America’s Morning Headquarters, a show that specializes in telling viewers what they already fucking know, told viewers that water, when coming down in fucking buckets from the leftovers of Hurricane Patricia, could conceivably cause problems for people in the path of the Biblical deluge.
“We like to err on the safe side and when possible induce as much panic as we possibly can,” said Champion, who, like the Weather Channel itself, is known for his brilliant grasp of the obvious.
“We’ve called all the governors of the southeastern United States and warned them that water was coming, and water can cause all kinds of problems. We also let them know that we will be monitoring the situation closely, and we’ve sent out scores of barely functional reporters dressed in Weather Channel rain coats and hats to stand around in puddles and let us know just how wet the water is.
“You just can’t be too careful with water,” continued Champion, “as everyone knows, an American drowns in a bathtub, spa, or hot tub every day in America. Water is dangerous as hell and we should all be terrified of it.”
Governor Bobby Jindal of Louisiana told the Times Picayune that he was grateful for the warning.
“I for one am grateful for the Weather Channel,” he said, “I never would have noticed that it’s raining cats and dogs outside if I hadn’t watched Sam’s show this morning. I make it a habit to tune in every morning so I know whether the sun is shining or not.”