WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – Republican presidential contender Dr. Ben Carson has put his public campaign events on hold for two weeks to go on book tour for his new tome “A More Perfect Union” and to attend meetings and seminars with lunatics and simpletons around the country in order to come up with some more batshit crazy ideas to hawk to his uneducated supporters.
An aide to Dr. Carson told Fox News that Carson felt that he needed to take advantage of his rising poll numbers to rake in some cash off sales of his fantasy novel to gullible right-wing Christians who actually believe he has a grasp of history and how government works.
“Dr. Carson has also expressed a desire to move away from the same old crazy ass ideas he’s been spouting and come up with some fresh conspiracy theories and wacked-out revisionist history,” said the aide.
The Republican presidential candidate and brain damaged former neurosurgeon is scheduled to hold lucrative book signings next week in Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Kansas, Nebraska, and Iowa, where he expects dolts, dullards, and twits to stream in from trailer parks and survivalist compounds to meet him and buy copies of his book.
The aide said that the week after next will be spent visiting some of the premier panic monkeys, hucksters, religious zealots, and conspiracy theorists around the country in order to glean new ideas that he can use on the campaign trail to convince his followers that America should be some sort of theocracy ruled by a Christian version of sharia law.
“Dr. Carson plans on attending a seminar on Iron Age dinosaur-aided construction techniques at Ken Ham’s Creation Museum in Kentucky on the 26th,” said the aide. “He plans on spending the rest of the day with Mr. Ham to bone up on Ken’s ideas regarding just how Noah loaded the dinosaurs on the Ark and what they ate during the voyage.
“After spending the night at Ham’s Lucky Trinity Hotel and Casino in Petersburg, Dr. Carson will spend the rest of the week meeting with famous wackos and imbeciles like Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, and Louie Gohmert, to name a few. Ben is particularly excited to be meeting with Bryan Fischer of the American Family Association to learn how homosexuality is ushering in the End Times, and David Daleiden, who promised to show him some uncut footage of Planned Parenthood chopping up infants and sewing them back together to create armies of infant atheists and Muslims.”
Carson’s whirlwind tour will end with a weekend spent with panic monkey, historical revisionist, and conspiracy theorist extraordinaire Glenn Beck on his End Times ranch and bunker complex located at an undisclosed location in the desert.
“Dr. Carson wants to leave no stone unturned in his quest to get the most fucked up and batshit crazy advice and ideas he can use to shore up his base and attract new lunatics to his cause,” said the aide. “I think by the time he gets back on the campaign trail he’ll be so full of shit you’ll barely recognize him.”