Carson Aide Reveals General Election Strategy

Republican U.S. presidential candidate and retired neurosurgeon Ben Carson officially launches his bid for the Republican presidential nomination in Detroit, Michigan May 4, 2015. REUTERS/Rebecca Cook


WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – An aide to Republican presidential candidate and unhinged lunatic Dr. Ben Carson revealed his general election strategy should he do the unthinkable and win the GOP nomination. The aide spoke with Fox News desk tumor Sean Hannity on his radio show yesterday on condition of anonymity.

Hannity, a strong supporter of insane people who stumble into the public eye, asked the aide what kind of campaign Carson would run in the unlikely event he made it to the general election, where he would be going up against a Democrat candidate who has full use of her or his frontal lobes.

“Well Sean, we see that as a real problem,” said the mystery aide. “It’s one thing to garner support from an unhinged base who thinks America should be some kind of theocracy, but it’s another thing altogether to try to win over people who can actually reason.

“Our current strategy calls for Dr. Carson, if he wins the nomination, to remain mute for the entire general election. We just can’t take the chance that Ben will repeat his performance of last week while we try to convince normal people that he would make a sane president. I mean, did you hear some of the bullshit that came out of his mouth in the last few days? Jesus!”

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation and a myriad of mental disorders to become a viable candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

Dr. Carson has overcome a lifetime of chronic constipation and a myriad of mental disorders to become a viable candidate for the GOP presidential nomination.

“But what about the presidential debates he would have to participate in?” asked a distraught Hannity.

“We think it would be best if Dr. Carson simply responds ‘no comment’ to any questions he’s asked on the campaign trail or during any of the debates. You just never know when he’s going to start talking about Hitler, bullet-riddled bodies, or make up some cock and bull story about Popeye’s.

“What if he starts talking about Satanic conspiracies involving fossils or dinosaurs on the Ark or any of that other crap he believes while he’s on national television debating Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders? It would be a disaster. He does fine when surrounded by other kooks, but he’s simply too unbalanced to be allowed to participate in a debate with a person who has an IQ over 75. No, we’re convinced his best bet is to mumble ‘no comment’ and then emit that weird laugh like he knows something everyone else doesn’t.”

The aide went on to tell Hannity that there was a long way to go before the general election, and Dr. Carson had his work cut out for him solidifying his base of paranoid conspiracy theorists, bigots, fundamentalist cretins, and other Tea Bagger dim wits making up the unhinged right-wing of the GOP.

“We’ve got a lot of work to do before the general,” said the aide, “so Dr. Carson will be able to enjoy himself by spouting all the nonsense he wants for quite some time before he’s force-fed a nice big cup of shut the fuck up.”


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