WASHINGTON – (CT&P) – In an emergency meeting held early this morning house Republicans voted unanimously to nominate suspended FIFA President Sepp Blatter for speaker.
Republican leaders hope that the nomination can calm the chaos precipitated by Kevin McCarthy’s withdrawal from the race.
McCarthy was seen by the Republican lunatic fringe Tea Bagger contingent as being too cooperative with rational politicians, whom they consider to be minions of Satan.
“Mr. Blatter has all the qualities we’re looking for in a leader,” said Freedom Caucus Chairman Jim Jordan.
“He’s greedy, mean-spirited, misogynistic, and is devoid of empathy for the less fortunate. We think he’ll do a fine job shutting down the government and completely fucking up the American economy. The main thing here is that we get our way. To hell with the rest of the country.”
Although Mr. Blatter is not a U.S. citizen and is currently the target of a criminal investigation, Jordan said that these were minor problems and may even be considered advantages in the upcoming vote.
“We need an outsider who has no experience in American politics or governance, and a person who is willing to go to any extreme, constitutional or not, to get things done,” said Jordan. “That’s what we Republicans are looking for in a president, and we think we should have a speaker to match.”
An aide to Mr. Blatter told Reuters that he was flattered by the nomination and as soon as he receives the agreed upon sum in unmarked bills he will be on a flight to D.C.