KABUL – (CT&P) -Twelve Afghan girls were crushed to death in a stampede of terrified pupils fleeing their school as a massive earthquake killed at least 300 people in Afghanistan and neighboring Pakistan yesterday, Philip Sherwell, Asia Editor, Ali M Latifi in Kabul and Mohammad Zubair Khan in Islamabad report.
The death toll is expected to rise significantly as aid workers struggle to reach its epicenter in a remote region with poor communications in the Hindu Kush mountain range of north-eastern Afghanistan.
The tremor measured a 7.5 magnitude on the Richter scale, with its shock waves reaching as far away as the Indian capital New Delhi and unleashing panic in major Pakistani and Afghan cities.
The earthquake did, however, take place under a sparsely-populated region at an estimated depth of 130 miles, potentially limiting the number of casualties.
God offered no explanation for why he unleashed the killer quake and took the lives of hundreds of innocent people going about their daily routine. However, religious leaders in the United States postulate that he did it because the people who live in the region are filthy Muslims who don’t love Jesus.
Pat Robertson told viewers of his 700 Club Show that God had his reasons for the mass slaughter, just like he has his reasons for letting three to five million children starve to death each year.
“We can’t be sure, but I’m betting that God is just fed up with a bunch of people who believe in the wrong holy book,” said Robertson, as his head lolled to one side and drool rolled down his chin.
“God works in mysterious and downright sadistic ways when it comes to those who don’t love Jesus. Just look at what he did to all those idol worshipers in Nepal and those voodoo freaks in Haiti. Those crazy Muslims better be glad all their daughters weren’t crushed to death or even drawn and quartered!
“No one likes to see innocent people turned into masses of protoplasmic jello, unless they’re gay of course, but it’s the price human beings have to pay when they don’t believe in the virgin birth or zombie Jesus.
“Like we always do here at the 700 Club we’re asking for donations to help the people of Afghanistan and Pakistan through this crisis. We plan on sending some barely functional highly indoctrinated white missionaries over there to tell these people just how fucked up their beliefs are. So, donate generously to our White Protestant Missionary Relief Fund so we can stop this from happening again.
Robertson guaranteed that at least 11% of all donations will go toward food and lodging for the dimwits slated to go to the region. The rest will be tied up in the purchase of racehorses and new timeshares for the 700 Club staff.